If he feels like you should spend more time together as a trio then I guess you should go for it, you still get father/son bonding even when there is another person there, and I guess it would help his son see you as a couple more than just seeing him out somewhere...if that makes any sense

If you are happy with seeing the little lad then just go with the flow. Sometimes you can over think things. If the lad and his dad have no concerns about you being there then go for it.

From a geezers point of few mummy maz......


Erm, I have kinda been in the same situation meself, AND I can see where your fella is coming from tbh...tho I dont think its your "fault" tis a tough one...you need to show ya fella rather than tell him...make that lil bit of extra effort maybe? (not saying you dont already) Does ya fellas son live with him or does he just have him now and then?

he just sees him at weekends Russell, him and his son's mother broke up when he was still a baby so its always been like that - he's a good dad and cos he doesnt see him as much as he should i feel like i'm intruding and one day his Son will grow up and think i took his Dad from him ...

hi mummy, well your bf obviously isn't worried about the bonding thingy, and he really wants you to be part of their relationship. Go for it hun, don't let his family get away with such awful hurtful things, prove 'em wrong.

I'm sure it must be hard having to to try and treat somebody elses child as your own, but it sounds like that is what he and his family want.

I do not envy you this one Maz. I HAVE kids, and yet the one bloke I dated with kids of his own.... jeez it was so difficult!

I think you just need to be open with all concerned.... tell bf you are happy to have as much, or as little involvement as he wants you to have... and are happy to be guided by him.

I am assuming you are happy to be around when he's there though.

Don't feel bad if you do want to run for the hills sometimes Maz... I used to feel that way, and I am a Mummy. Other peoples kids can be hard work, other peoples kids that represent an old relationship and the associated baggage can be even harder work.

In a way... you'll always be doing 'something wrong' in someones eyes.

quote:

he just sees him at weekends Russell, him and his son's mother broke up when he was still a baby so its always been like that - he's a good dad and cos he doesnt see him as much as he should i feel like i'm intruding and one day his Son will grow up and think i took his Dad from him ...

the fact he dnt have his boy as often as he would like/should, is probably why when your OH has got him he wants to share that time with you too. As and when the lad grows up, he will see it for what it is and see his dad loves you and wants you to be a part of things he loves (his sons life) Go with it mummy maz...ya fella wants you to be a family when you can you should be proud if anything There have been GFs I've had that I aint really wanted in the same room as me kid

I think you're right in what you do, I mean I went out with someone with a kid and I didn't like to be there at weekends either, just becase I felt I was taking time away from the daughter/father time which should be precious. But he wanted me there, so I did. However I also knew this guy wasn't the one for me and so after a while I realised it was unfair of me to be there at all as I was building a relationship with his little girl that I knew wasn't going to last. It kind of pointed out to me that I should end that particular relationship, and nothing to do with the little girl as she was lovely, whereas the person who I'm with now and am engaged to, if he had kids (which he doesn't) I know I'd be throwing myself in there as I know I am there for the long run. Does that make sense?
I

What you are doing is really sweet of you - I know that there are plenty of situations where it is the other way around (the new girlfriend is envious of children from previous relationships and don't like to have to share with the kids)

Perhaps if you sit down and explain the situation fully and try to rationalise with your boyfriend and perhaps come to a compimise where you spend 1 or 2 weekends a month so that you all get time together but they still get their time together. Another minefield is that the child may feel that you're taking Daddys time and attention away by spending TOO much time with them. Perhaps this is a good way of acheiving both? Good luck with whatever you decide though, and don't forget, you were only ever doing what you thought best

I guess if your relationship is a serious one then your bf and his family expect that at some time you will be the little boy's step mum? In which case he will need to bond with you as well as his Dad, sounds like you have a lovely relationship with him. Maybe don't stay over when he's there but spend the day all together out & about somewhere? You could talk it through with your bf, ask what he wants from you? Don't worry about the family I don't think it has much to do with them tbh.

The boy likes you, you like the boy, the BF wants you around?

Enjoy the squash and play happy families!

I think also it's time to have a chat with the BF and ask what he is expectin long term of you and him being together and also ask yourself that. If you want to be with him long term and it sounds like he does to from asking you to get involved with the kid then go for it. If in doubt don't as you don't want blamed/guilt tripped later on down the line.

quote:

Originally posted by Blizzie:
The boy likes you, you like the boy, the BF wants you around?

Enjoy the squash and play happy families!

I`ll go with that Bizzie!

Good luck Mummy Maz.

quote:

Originally posted by Blizzie:
The boy likes you, you like the boy, the BF wants you around?

Enjoy the squash and play happy families!

This is going to sound really stupid but i can't enjoy the squash - i'm really really badly claustropbic in that house, i can't wait to get out of it when everyone is in there - just feels like i can't breathe

quote:

Originally posted by Mummy Maz:

quote:

Originally posted by Blizzie:
The boy likes you, you like the boy, the BF wants you around?

Enjoy the squash and play happy families!

This is going to sound really stupid but i can't enjoy the squash - i'm really really badly claustropbic in that house, i can't wait to get out of it when everyone is in there - just feels like i can't breathe

Is the bf planning to move out anytime soon?

quote:

Is the bf planning to move out anytime soon?

Yes we are planning to get our own place after our holidays in September, i've already said that his son should have his own room and everything so i dont see why he thinks i don't care...

Aw well it sounds like he's trying to make *you* feel part of everything & not excluded, let you know he wants you with them which is lovely!

quote:

Originally posted by Mummy Maz:

quote:

Is the bf planning to move out anytime soon?

Yes we are planning to get our own place after our holidays in September, i've already said that his son should have his own room and everything so i dont see why he thinks i don't care...

Is he just being a bit of a sulker?

Maybe his family mentioning it, has made him feel that he needs to show them that you are more of a unit.

Does he know that you feel a bit claustrophobic at his parents?

I'm seeing it a bit differently here. Also if Mummy Maz is expected to get involved and build a relationship with this little boy it will take time, on both parts, and to go spend a weekend with a whole family sounds like hell to me! Hell!!

Yeah it will be much easier when he moves out of there, in laws innit!

quote:

Does he know that you feel a bit claustrophobic at his parents?

i've just told him. I used to be really bad with panic attacks a few years ago but i got through them, now they are coming back - wonder if its an underlying issue?!

Is he "the one" MummyMaz? Can you see yourself as step mum to the little lad?

I think you should just say what you have on here Maz.

Sounds like someones been stirring in the background to me.

Also... wondering if bf misses you when his son comes round... so is sulking cos he wants you there, for him, not just for his boy.

quote:

Originally posted by Dirtyprettygirlthing:
Sounds like someones been stirring in the background to me.

I wondered that too.

apparently i'm very selfish and its over if i carry on being selfish...

quote:

Originally posted by Mummy Maz:
apparently i'm very selfish and its over if i carry on being selfish...

Do what peeps on here have said, and explain it to him as you have done here, including your panic attacks and everything.

quote:

Originally posted by Jenny:

quote:

Originally posted by Mummy Maz:
apparently i'm very selfish and its over if i carry on being selfish...

Do what peeps on here have said, and explain it to him as you have done here, including your panic attacks and everything.

he says that i've made those up and that opening a window would solve my issue

I have refrained from saying this so far but I am also suspicious of a guy who is living with his folks and therefore getting a lot of support with his child I'd imagine (nothing wrong with that in itself) but now he is going to be moving out of the family home is he looking for someone else to pick up the support role ie yourself and the ex girlfriend? Are you sure this is your boyfriend talking or his mother? I imagine she is wanting someone to look after her 'little boy' in the same way she does which is not necessarily fair on you. His parental responsibilities are his alone and not yours Maz, however if you both decide as adults (which I don't know that he is sounding like one) that you are going to be together long term then of course you would share some of that responsibility. At the moment you are his girlfriend who is expected to go over his parental home at the weekends and be a mother figure to his kid, a partner to him and a guest in his folks' house. It's a tall order and no wonder you feel you can't breathe. And as for telling you 'it's over' as you are being selfish he sounds like he is being a bit of a baby to me. I guess it's up to yourself to decide a) is he the one for you and b) if you are the one for him and if this is just an adjustment blip.

But don't be emotionally blackmailed, especially as it sounds to me and a few others like it's not purely from him, this criticisism.

Yes... I smell mother in law in this too!

You should think long and hard MM, if he's pulling you up now whats he going to be like when you have your own children together? Will he say your favouring your own above his(even if your not), do you want a relationship where you have to explain yourself day in day out? If his mothers down his ear now she will always be down his ear, was it her who split his last relationship up because she thought the other gf did'nt like her grand child? My MIL broke me and mr stonks up for a year and there was only our child together involved..Think long and hard....

Toughie..

I'm seeing it from a slightly different angle. His lad aside, I'm getting that he isn't really 'hearing' you. You've given perfectly reasonable explanations as to why you are doing what you are doing and feeling what you are feeling and his response is 'my way or the highway'???

That's not good. Regardless of whether he is getting earache from other parties it isn't helpful to put that kind of emotional blackmail on the situation. It doesn't leave much of a door open for discussion and compromise does it?

You are in a difficult situation. Anyone being with him would be. You have to juggle your relationship with tenderly putting yourself into another one (i.e. the father/son relationship).

And don't get me started on comparing you with his ex. How bliddy helpful is that? How is that supposed to make you feel ok?

Its really going down the drain here fast, now because i've stuck up for myself i've been told that he doesnt know what he wants anymore as i've offended him, his son and his family. No matter than he's offended me at all, no that doesnt matter because he deems my issues "ridiculous" ... its all very very wrong...

Sorry MM, but this all seems a bit weird to me. Your BF and his family seem to want to foist this child onto you, no matter what your feelings are about it.

It's great that you get on well with the little boy, but you're NOT his mum and no-one has the right to try to force you to be a substitute one.

quote:

Originally posted by Mummy Maz:
Its really going down the drain here fast, now because i've stuck up for myself i've been told that he doesnt know what he wants anymore as i've offended him, his son and his family. No matter than he's offended me at all, no that doesnt matter because he deems my issues "ridiculous" ... its all very very wrong...

If I were you... I'd step off this rollercoaster. Write an email telling him exactly what you've said here... what you have done and the reasons why. No drama in it, no blamethrowing.. just stating your side clearly and calmly. Arrange a time to discuss it. Give him a while to mull it over. Maybe a good opportunity for you to take a couple of steps back too and take a breather.

I have to say though Mazzy.. and I know I'm biased because you're one of our forum girls innit... but this is not very adult of him. And it smacks a little of manipulation and discounting your feelings to me as well. He is relying on you not wanting to lose him to push his agenda on you and that is not right.

You can't control what he is doing.. but you can control your respons.. whether you're part of this silly disagreement. If you were my girl I'd be suggesting a couple of days downtime from him and this and then come back to it to discuss it like adults.

This all stinks Maz. It stinks of something going on that you don't know about.

Twas only a week or so ago that you all signed up for that car rally thing.

WTF is going on?

Time to reclaim the power girl... give him some time to 'cool off', don't show him how upset you are... let him come to you.

in the meantime ..

quote:

Originally posted by Mummy Maz:

quote:

Originally posted by Jenny:

quote:

Originally posted by Mummy Maz:
apparently i'm very selfish and its over if i carry on being selfish...

Do what peeps on here have said, and explain it to him as you have done here, including your panic attacks and everything.

he says that i've made those up and that opening a window would solve my issue

It doesn't sound like you're the selfish one Maz, people often tend to accuse others of their own faults. It doesn't sound like he's listening to you at all, and giving you the 'it's my way or the highway' is manipulative and unfair.

Have a good think about what you really want Maz, if you give him 100% his way on this one, will he expect you to crumble on everything else? He's doing you down by saying you're making the panic attcks up...you've got a right to be very very pissed off with anyone who belittles you like that.

Only one way to deal with sulky men - ignore them until they are prepared to talk like adults.

Never give in to controlling behaviour!

Good luck MM.

quote:

Originally posted by Mummy Maz:

quote:

Originally posted by Jenny:

quote:

Originally posted by Mummy Maz:
apparently i'm very selfish and its over if i carry on being selfish...

Do what peeps on here have said, and explain it to him as you have done here, including your panic attacks and everything.

he says that i've made those up and that opening a window would solve my issue

Was he being serious?! Selfish git. So you are expected to do everything for him and his child, but when you voice your genuine worries or concerns, he just casts it aside. Hmmmm, tell me something postive about him so I don't go to bed hating him

quote:

Originally posted by Tartanveggie:

Was he being serious?! Selfish git. So you are expected to do everything for him and his child, but when you voice your genuine worries or concerns, he just casts it aside. Hmmmm, tell me something postive about him so I don't go to bed hating him

that made me cackle out loud!