About as much use as a chocolate teapot/fire guard.

Neither use nor ornament

Yes ive used those ones 

I'll  go to the foot of the stairs. 

Never leave the house without clean underwear, you never know when you are going to be hit by a bus.

I've seen more meat on a butchers Knife .

I'm going to put my foot down with a firm hand.

A bulldog chewing a wasp. 

A face like a smacked backside 

Jesus Christ, that could strip wallpaper. 

Usually said by someone else to my arse right enough.

You mean " That was a bit massive" 

I haven't laughed so much since I saw me granny with her tits caught in the mangle

He would steal the eye out your head and come back for the wink.

How many more shocks am i going to get today. 

No don't tell me. lol

Harper Seven/Half past seven.

ahahhhahahahaaaa

I now have a pain laughing, im not joking ahahahaaa

That too.  Vintage day today.  Impressive stuff.

Those Swan ducks are weird looking flying birds

I normally put my own bit on the end of..........I could eat a scabby horse (hungry) - and go back for the jockey 

a nod's as guid as a wink tae a blind horse.

Better than a smoke alarm. 

An arse like a Japanese flag...  lol 

and.... They've got a face like a rag mans arse pocket.

Tighter than a Knats waistcoat. (One of my favs) 

I know that one as tighter than a frogs arse   

So many of bottom  jokes. 

A blind man on a charging horse could see that one 

A nose like a builders elbow

More Chins than a chinese phonebook.

You could crack walnuts in them. 

Overhearing a domestic, one evening, the man shouted, "its about time you opened your eyes and start listening to me"  Her retort was something i couldnt post here. Funny at the time.
Why do i always call, guide dogs, blind dogs ??? 

I know Sky, I used to too 

The wife says I never listen ,well I think that's what she said.

You don't get many of them to the pound 

Away and boil your heed, you utter disgrace of a human.

Thats the most used one in my hoose. 

*Imagines that said in the accent*       

A face only a mother could love.

If i've told you once I've told you a hundred times (rarely true IMO)

I went to Eton, pal.  I speak like Prince Charles.  Look more like Fergie right enough.

Tosh 

Shut it, you.  \/ 

Curiosity killed the cat and saved the rat.

Why is it I get Billy Connoly screaming at me with every Scots phrase I see in type  

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.