The X Factor: The last two audition shows - recapped

Soon the whittling process will begin and we'll get into the live shows, big voices and knock out rounds. But first, we recap all the high- (and the very, very low-) lights of the last two audition shows.

Finally, we've reached the end of the audition process, but before we could wave it goodbye for one more year, there was a full two and a half hours of shouting, screaming and heartbreak to get through first.

Would any of the remaining auditionees blow the judges away? Or were we down to the dregs of the talent barrel by now?

Or was it, as usual, a predictable mix of all other above. First act bad, bad bad bad, then someone good, then some other good ones, then a few more bad - and a really good/tearjerking one to end the show, right? Right. Yes it was. Because that's how it goes.

So here we have the highlights, starting with ...

THE GOOD

There were plenty, of course.

Ethan was a American student in Surrey. And though his voice seemed a little stretched at places, that's completely understandable, because he was also cute and humble and nervous. Added to those winning factors, everyone on the panel fancied him. And let him through.

The youngest of fourteen (FOURTEEN, ffs) children, Treyc got through because of her singing voice, though frankly I would have put her through on the most ridiculous, sorry, creative spelling of Tracy I think I've ever seen.

India gave a beautiful rendition of Summertime, but that was all we saw.

Scott is autistic, and, he says he spent a long time scared of people, hiding in his house, only leaving to go to school and back. You Raise Me Up with his eyes mainly clamped shut against the arena. It was quite beautiful to watch: and although I would never admit to tearing up a bit because of that, I coincidentally got my finger stuck in a drawer at that moment and that's why I looked like I might cry. Honest.

There were lots more - mostly caught in brief montaged moments between the dreck that made up the bulk of the audition shows.

There was a duo called Siren, another duo called M&G, who were security guards at Harrods, and a girl whose name I missed, but who wasn't expecting Simon to like her. He did, a lot, winking and telling her she's sailing through to the next round. Coincidentally, she was extremely reminiscent of Allison Iraheta, one of the finalists from this year's American Idol - so Simon liking her is not really much of a shock.

But then, the audition shows aren't about the good people, are they? Not really: I guess they reckon there's more than enough time to get to know the contestants in the bootcamp, judges houses and, finally, the live finals (and we're almost there, hurray).

So these last two audition shows were about what they're always about: bad choices, good back-stories, the inevitable surprise that ugly people can sing too, and, of course, parading the tunefree and completely delusional before a panel of judges, a live audience of thousands and a television audience of considerably more.

THE BAD (and The Simply Weird)

There will then be a billion bad people, of course. But the worst thing remains, in this new way of doing the auditions, that when they're bad to the point of bizarrely bad they just stay onstage, too, too long.

Natricia - that was just mean. Singing I Wanna Dance With Somebody, she started a full bar before the she should have done, and was out of sync (as well as tune) for the whole time until someone mercifully stopped her, a verse and a chorus later.

Gianni, an interpreter from London who certainly interpreted Madonna's Vogue in an interesting and innovative and deeply unique way.

Richard was 30 years old and a security guard and worth watching because while his singing might have been not traditionally tuneful, the faces he pulled were incredible, and he had a lot of energy. And that was the best thing you could say about him.

SECOND CHANCES

Dominic got through to the judges house round when he was just 15 - but didn't get through due to a lack of confidence. This time he's back and more confident than before.

Rachel was also on the show last year, and also failed because of nerves. She came back, she sang confidently. She got through. Hurrah.

Stacy sang and was excited when Cheryl said she "looked like a little pop-star", though I'm not overly convinced that she didn't mean "bathed in a vat of Sunny D". It's true though, she did look like a little pops star: she was in S Club Juniors, apparently.

In Sunday's show, there was Daniel. Ah, Daniel - he's not only has been in a television talent show before: he's won one. Or kind of: he was part of One True Voice, the male group that formed at the end of Pop Stars: The Rivals, alongside Girls Aloud as the female group. It's not gone so well since. So he's back (and can still sing very, very well)

Amy hadn't been on any show, in any pop group, or had any previous brushes with the judges before: but ended up with a second chance anyway because she was a) a nice lass and the audience liked her andb) from Cheryl's hometown. When her first sing choice was too big for her, audience applause got her another: a Girls Aloud song. And when the words failed her in a fit of nerves, Cheryl came on stage and provided them. She got through. And cried. A lot.

ON THE FENCE

As usual, a good many people were touch and go for a few minutes before the judges let them through to the boot camp round (though possibly no further).

Nicole had been singing for years - mainly with her dad at weddings, baptisms, family parties etc. Simon wasn't sure about her voice - but everyone was clear that she seemed to be a very nice person; and, not be cynical about the X Factor's love of dead or poorly relatives,

Faye was wearing a combination of a corset and hockey socks: "I like to go to the hairdressers about three times I a week. And if I'm not in the hairdressers, I'm in the beauticians, and I really want to be famous and have the paps follow me. I would never complain about that, and I would use my fame for good. And I'd like to be in Heat. That's my dream".

Yes, she'd like to help save donkeys, and yes, it was odd when she revealed she worked as a teacher in a men's prison: But could she sing? Yes.

Not, Simon said, like a contemporary recording artist, but she could certainly belt out a massive karaoke version of River Deep, Mountain High. Or cleavage deep, hemline high, as one of my esteemed colleagues mumbled on twitter.

THE POINTLESS

In the 'bits of fluff VT we could surely be filling with auditionees' this week:

It was Cheryl's 26th birthday. This is of no consequence apart from to make everyone feel old, I think.

And Simon always wears a t-shirt and trousers. Come on, really? That's all he's ever worn. Try harder.

THE OLD

Eileen was 80, and had an identical haircut to Dannii. Singing unaccompanied, she had a weak and warbling voice, but was lovely, and charmed Simon so much that he asked her to come back the next day with music, as if that would make any difference to her chances. She did, and it didn't.

Meanwhile Maurice didn't even get that far. But it didn't matter: he "already has 500 fans in Southend alone", and most of us can only dream of being able to make the same claim.

GROUPS?

I still feel like they're veering toward not bothering with the groups at all - at least in terms of the audition process. Of course, having moaned about that a bunch, these last two shows showed some promising glimpses of singing groups of more than one. Glimpses, though.

But then, well snap my britches and call me twinkle-tits: Almost the whole last section of the Saturday show was dedicated to a duo. Russell and Katie were a couple of ex-Pontins entertainers, a couple, and a due called It Takes Two.

The sang I'll Be There - and it very quickly became obvious that really only one of them deserved to be. Katie was solid in voice and in stage presence - Russell was somewhat small. In voice and in stature. But rather than asking them to split up to improve Katie's chances in the competition, the judges took them both.

THE SHOW TOPPERS

It Takes Two were the show-topping act for the first show. And, you know, it seemed for a moment as if they might not be. But then Simon paused for about 7 minutes, dramatically, before making his decision.

Curtis ended off the whole audition process: he talked about his difficult childhood to Dermot in the green room: about his foster homes and time in a young offenders place - but when the judges tried to signal him to talk about it on stage; first Cheryl, then Simon probed him about "what his motivation was" and "What he'd been doing this past year" - but he refused to be drawn into sob-story-land. Good for him. The judges liked him: not the strongest voice, they said, but plenty of swagger and very current and yes, of course he was through to the next round.

QUESTIONS AND POINTS RAISED

- Simon loves old ladies and small dogs. If Ethel from Eastenders was still alive, there would be no need for any more of these competitions, because she would have won them all, right?

- Dannii really doesn't get to do much anymore, does she? We barely see her talking to the auditionees or giving the deciding vote. Perhaps she could build on this role, WWF style. Silence could be her weapon. The Really Quiet JUDGINATOR would be her wrestler name. Though we could work on that.

- The talk of the cities, the strengths of each 
individual region and talk of "final sets of auditions" etc would be slightly more convincing if they actually stuck to one place per show, and didn't leap around. Every single audition show I've seen has included bits from London, Glasgow, Manchester and Birmingham at least. How many other auditions were there on this 'tireless tour of Britain' Dermot keeps banging on about? Because if you're going to show every venue every week, it seems a bit silly.

- As Spring follows Winter, and Summer follows spring, so every single X Factor audition show must follow the same old formula - and we all know what it is, so I shan't bother. But if they could just change it up a little, just a tiny bit, then maybe the Audition Shows wouldn't be everyone's least favourite part of the X Factor. Never mind, they're over now.

- Finally, the return of Daniel, ex-winner of one of these programes heralds a new phase in reality talent shows, I believe. Now that people have risen to fame, had a bit then lost it again, it's time for the second time around. Next year, auditionees should include more people who've been chewed up and spat out by the machine Steve Brookstein and Michelle McManus among many others should start preparing their backing tracks now.

But for now: now more auditions! Hurrah. Next week: Boot Camp!