My mother in law told my children that my husband's (their dad's) friend at school was a "very spunky young boy".

Cue splurting food all over table by said children

hahahahaa!

Oh my 80 year old mother made me laugh recently very very much. Ive never heard my mother swear so imagine my surprise when at the end of her tether she said " I feel like a piano every C*** wants a tune*  Bless my mum, it totally cheered her up though and she laughed for the first time in ages

Gyps ... I am laughing proper here

lol So am i Thats her own saying too im so using that when the need arises

hahahaahaa!! Great expression!

LOL!!

We were having a cuppa in the front room once when my dear old late Grandma turned to me with a puzzled look and asked me:
"How do birds have sex?"

I was completely >>
Think I used the word 'hover'....

that reminds me of a few years ago when i saw my daughters gran drunk at lunch on her birthday she was gazing into her glass of wine saying absent mindedly "have you ever watched slugs make love, its beautiful, so graceful and sensual"

we were all like

Oh Gyps you just made me cry......ROFL

actually the same woman 'nanny val' has come out with a few crackers. I remember one evening she was sitting going ON AND ON about how lovely Michael Flatley is in his leather trousers ( another moment ) and her husband was just sitting listening with a slight grin on his face. Then he managed to get a word in edge ways for the first time in about half an hour of her leather trouser lusting. He said "ive always liked tina turner" and nanny val turned quick as a flash and said "she dances like shes pissed herself "

One of Grandma's beauties


"Well! I'll go to the foot of the stairs!"


Can still hear her saying it  lol

'Oh you're gone of a sausage'  when seeing i had but on weight.

thats worse than the 'your looking healthy'

Or, as my dad used to say 'she's a strapping young wench'

well that's the thing gyps, she used to tell me eat more that 'bony woman don't get a second glance' no pleasing her.

My old nan used to say that.  She lived in a ground floor flat...

Hehehe Cosmo 

I've removed the offensive comment.

Incidentally, my mom used to refer to me as her "stocky German girl".

hahaahahaha!

I can't see them lasting long.

They've still got all their marbles at this end  

My mum is 80 - she's always been very slim. She told me yesterday that when she was a child she had an operation on a hernia. Apparently they stapled the wound shut

She asked me if i thought the fact that she'd had her stomach stapled was why she'd never gained weight!

My brothers wife (just married) was bringing her nephew around to my mums. We told her it was Ramadan and not to cook a meal, they arrived and about a half an hour later she asked wee Ramadan if he wanted anything to drink.

 
Years ago when Jesus Sandals were popular, she would go into a shop and ask if the had any Jesus Sandals , bowing her head everytime she said Jesus.

 Priceless!

" she asked wee Ramadan if he wanted anything to drink."

A few weeks ago I went up country for my Grandad's funeral. The day after the family went around my Gran's for lunch. My Gran was in the kitchen with my great Aunty whilst the rest of us were in the living room.  My Great Aunty walks into the living room and says: "Pat (my grans name) needs a screw"

Cue us splurting our cups of tea everywhere and laughing.  Turns out my Gran needed a new screw for one of the kitchen shelves as it was loose.  Cue my Great Aunty running out of the room red as anything.

My mother in law has alzheimers and is in a care home so we hear some hilarious conversations in the TV room.  Christmas Eve we over heard and elderly man asking the lady sitting next to him what she was hiding under the blanket she had across her knees 'Nothing' she replied 'I'm just keeping my legs warm', the old man then said 'I thought you were hiding your vagina' 

The look on Master Cinds face was brilliant while he desperately pretended he hadn't heard a thing.

 Cinds

At my uncle's funeral his old mate went to view him in is coffin, he came out and said to my dad "he looks well doesn't he'  

My mother was late home ,we had arrived back from school and were sitting on the stairs,she asked us why we had no gone in .We told her the door was locked,she then told us that the she left us a note telling us where the key was ,the note was on the mantlepiece.
 
 
She also asked me where she could buy incest sticks.

my mother calls dado rails dildo rails and a  DVD is a VD 

Lol @ this whole thread!

A couple of laughable things off the top of my head from one of the old people  
I think i mentioned it once before. 



 I wished he’d grow up he’s *such and such* years old and him and his friends play with those light sticks from star trek, and sit on the computer all day playing being a witch on world of witchcraft or something


 and another gem 


“You payed how much????  For a skateboard !!!!!!!!!  back when I was your age, a skateboard was tuppence for a piece of hard wood,  a pair of old roller skates, and a whipping from your dad for wrecking a pair of perfectly good roller skates!

Oh damn I missed the good stuff again.