...she realised they were not alone. There silently sitting and watching them in the dark was Harriots worst nightmare for it was...

Dale Winton in a cage. As her eyes grew accustomed to the dim light Harriet began to realise that the cellar was really a huge underground cavern - and it was full of cages.....

waiting to be filled with more orange people like Dale so they breathed a sigh of relief when suddenly..

In came David Dickenson The Orange Daddy of them all.

Harriet nearly wet herself!! Then Bill whispered.....

I know him

Harriet didn't know quite how to say it, but she managed to croak "He's my ex-husband......and he's DANGEROUS!!"

"Ohh Noooooo".He shot back in absolute horror at the very thought.

Harriet wasn't too happy herself....she knew they had found themselves in a very sticky situation and had no idea what they could do to escape. Bill sitting there gulping like a goldfish wasn't inspiring too much hope from that direction either

She was watching David Dickinson advance towards them when....

David smiled at her."What are you doing with him Harriot.he's as cheep as chips?"

But he doesnt glow in the dark,she said

"No not with that woolen hat and those torn jeans.
What are you doing with a boy 20 years younger than you?"

"We're just good friends" she replied glancing coyly at Bill.

"But what's going on here? Why do you have Dale Winton in a cage? What is this place?" she gasped.

"It's where they keep all performers when they are not on TV."
"I thought everyone knew that."
"We get sprayed with a tan every two days."

"But I've had enough I'm staging a rebellion!" he glowered ".... and there's nothing Winton there can do to stop me!!"

Little did he or anyone realise Winton was smarter than everyone though, not that much smarter just a little you understand. Well Winton had played a trick that was about to pay him dividends for he had....

Changed all the locks and given everyone their own key.
Des was very pleased as it meant lady fans could come and visit him in the night.
David wasn't, as it meant they'd be able to see him in his hairnet.

Harriet nodded understandingly at David's increasingly loud ranting whilst trying to work out what on earth she could do to get out of this. Then, she noticed in the corner of her eye that Dale, Des and Jodie Marsh had left their cages and were sneaking up behind him each carrying a MASSIVE ......

Photograph of Fiona Bruce.David fainted.His arch enemy.Fiona was Davids, Moriarty.He had wanted the Antiques Road Show himself and has never got over the fact Fiona is it's star.
They hadn't expected his response.Jodie quickly threw a bucket of water over David.Causing him to splutter and start shouting at her.
"Look what you've done to my suit".

"You will pay for that you blooming minx. With that he got out of his water soaked pocket

A miror to check his appearance.
"Dash and blast,my hair dye is running down my face.They just don't give us enough mirrors in this place."
That night as all were sleeping.Moans and groans could be heard.It was David stripping the bathroom of it's mirrors,some very large ones,dragging them to his cage.
"Ah now I'll be able to see myself from all angles."He said posing in this and that mirror.

Meanwhile Bill had finally recovered from his stupor at discovering his dear Harriet had been married to David Dickenson.

He was beginning to formulate a cunning plan to escape! As Jodie again started to nestle closer to him he started to formulate even quicker!

All he needed was......

Just a little bit more stimulus to formulate properly.

(aside ^^^^^^)
--------------------------------------

So he quickly gulped down another mug of black coffee and narrowed his eyes as he watched David posing.

Harriet could be the decoy and.....

he knew David would still be interested in her as she was a bit of an antique really,after all she was 20 years older than himself.Jodie had so much more going for her with her tattoo's and big boobs,right up his street.Jodie smiled at him with her whiter than white teeth.
"Why don't you come into my cage."she whispered in his ear.
How could he refuse.He pondered to himself.I thought I already had.

Luckily Harriet was on hand with a huge bucket of icecubes to pour over his head - to help him come back to earth and continue planning their escape!

At the far end of the cavern she'd noticed a Fire Exit ......

Right next to David's cage."I'll go and speak to David." she told Bill.
Hariot went over and rattled David's cage.
"Woody (Hariots pet name for David)are you there?"
"Is that you Haricot old bean?"
(Davids pet name for Hariot) came the reply.
"Woody please let me in."
The door was unlocked and Hariot stepped inside.
"Haricot old bean,I've missed you so much."
He leant forwards to kiss her.
Hariot had forgotten how good it felt.
"Do you think these cufflinks go with this shirt Haricot old bean?You always had such good taste."
"Yes Woody they do.Now please listen to me."

He was all ears and couln't wait to listen to the dolcite tones of Haricot. She started to speak and he felt excited all over letting her voice tingle and massage his eardrums. He soon had to forget about his wonderful feeling for her as he was not listening to a word she was saying.
"Start again Haricot darling, start from the very begining"
Haricot could not believe he had asked her to start again. She put it down to the news he was hearing as indeed it would have been totally shocking to hear first time around.
" Ok" she said " I will start at the begining...........

After which Woody said."Why didn't you say that in the first place.You know I'll help you.
I can get the key tonight.Meet me with your friend Willy. at nine o'clock.But don't tell anyone .Especially Dale.He's like The news of the World,he just can't keep a secret."
"Woody his name is Bill not Willy."said Hariot crossly.
"How are you going to get the key Woody?"
"I was brought up in the Eastend,there's nothing I can't do Haricot old bean."
"Ok Woody see you at nine o'clock tonight."
They kissed once again,but it lasted somewhat longer this time.
Hariot felt so exhilerated,with Woody's help she was sure they would be home and dry by the morning.

Hello neverending storyites

I was outside a takeaway on Friday night when a bald adolescent asked me out for a fight...

He was no bigger than a tuppenny fart....

quote:

Originally posted by Bojangles:
After which Woody said."Why didn't you say that in the first place.You know I'll help you.
I can get the key tonight.Meet me with your friend Willy. at nine o'clock.But don't tell anyone .Especially Dale.He's like The news of the World,he just can't keep a secret."
"Woody his name is Bill not Willy."said Hariot crossly.
"How are you going to get the key Woody?"
"I was brought up in the Eastend,there's nothing I can't do Haricot old bean."
"Ok Woody see you at nine o'clock tonight."
They kissed once again,but it lasted somewhat longer this time.
Hariot felt so exhilerated,with Woody's help she was sure they would be home and dry by the morning.

She couldn't wait to get home to show Woody her pulsating love for him. She was though getting somewhat miffed that Woody kept adding *Old Bean* on to the end of any sentance he was saying to her.
"Haricot old bean" said Woody.
"Please stop calling me old bean Woody my true love" said Haricot.
"Ok I will then, you beautiful babe" said Woody.
They both smiled at each other. It was clear what was on both their minds and not just escaping. As Haricot looked him up and down it was clear he was most excited.
"Oh, come here Woody" said Haricot with her heart pulsating ......

"Oh that reminds me Haricot old bean, can you give me your mascara before you leave,my sideburns need a touch up?"
"Certainly Woody,you haven't changed a bit have you?"
"I'm not like that vain Dale.Do you like my new jacket,see how the pink goes so well with the grey stripe.Now if I were to have matching trousers that would be bad taste,but I have plain grey ones,but my jockey shorts match my jacket and socks.I'm a man not like that vain Dale, with his face lifts."
"Oh yes Woody you are so macho."

"But please stop calling me old bean" said Haricot in harsh tones!

They were waiting impatiently for 9 o'clock.When at 8 .30 they heard the heavy footsteps of the 6ft 7inch Security guard John Evans,known to all as Evans above.
He checked all the locks and finding all secure he left,after his footsteps had faded into thin air .They made a dash for the Fire door as it was now 9'oclock.
David was waiting for them he quickly opened the door and motioned for them to go.Grabbing Hariot by the shoulder swinging her round and kissing her.
"I'll be in touch when I get out of here in a month,I have a few bits of television to do in Oz,I'll ring you before I go."
"Oh yes Woody please do."
They ran outside into the lane,with the drizzling rain,that would have been very unwelcome a week ago but now so comforting as it touched their cheeks.

The days passed into weeks.Hariot busied herself with work and going to the gym.Bill went the way that all drifters do.Then Spring turned into Summer and still not a word from David.
Now Hariots Body was in the best condition it had ever been.
The phone rang one morning,it was an old friend.
"Hariot this is Carla.I'm ringing to see if you can come to the awards ceremony with me on Wednesday night?"
"Oh yes Carla,that will be fantastic."
Hariot rushed to the second hand shop behind Harrods where you can pick up a designer gown for a mere pittance.
Hariot chose a white grecian style evening dress,now all she needed was a spray tan and all would be perfect.
Wednesday came.Hariot and Carla did the red carpet thing and settled at their table with the complimentary wine etc.
Then Hariot noticed a few tables down.There was David

...and he looked like he and Anne Widdecombe were getting on very well indeed!! Then she noticed the huge rock sparkling on Anne's finger

Hariot picked up her purse.
"I won't be long." She told Carla.
When she got to the entrance she could see there were still crowds outside.
"Can I help you madam?"Said the doorman.
"I want to have a cigarette,is there anywhere here?"
"First floor madam,it is well signposted."
Hariot thanked him and made her way to the lift.It seemed to take ages,she took a tissue out of her evening purse as the tears were flowing freely by now.
The lift came and Hariot stepped inside,as the doors were closing a pair of brown hands pulled them back open.
"Haricot why are you crying darling?"
"You ask me that when you're sat with Anne with a huge engagement ring on her finger."
"Haricot,you don't think I'm in love with Doris Karloff do you for God's sake woman?"
"YES I do Woody."
"Doris knew I was going to Oz,and asked me to get her a white sapphire,they are cheap as chips over there.I got one and had it cut and polished.I'm not paying for it. Doris is.
I've brought back something much bigger for you Haricot."
"You don't mean.........?"
Grinning widely.
"Yes Haricot.Woodpecker's back in town."

Harriet blushed madly and tried to avert her face. Woodpecker Jackson the American cider millionaire was a very special friend. Fortunately this Woody wasn't aware of just how special!

"Oh so when is he arriving?" she inquired innocently.......

"Very shortly,if we don't get back to your place as quickly as we can."
Carla had been strumming her fingers on the table with impatience at the length of time Hariot was taking.Then she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Carla darling lovely to see you",
It was Dale.Carla loved to see Dale he was always so cheerful.
"Darling I'd like you to meet George,he's been talking about you all night,George this is Carla."
"Lovely to meet you."Came this strong voice with an American accent.
Carla looked at George in disbelief.It can't be she thought,only the worlds top sex symbol wanting to meet me.
"How do you errrrrrr do."Stumbling over the words she replied.
He took Hariots seat and began chatting to her.
The head waiter came over to Carla with a note.It read.
Sorry Carla to have to go so soon,but Woody's come up and we're going back to my place.Will ring you in the morning.Love Hariot x.
Couldn't be better thought Carla,all was falling into place for what promised to be a very exciting night.

George then looked up.
"Carla I must go and say hello to an ole buddy of mine over there.I won't be long."He stood up and left the table.
Justin who had been sitting on Carla's other side leaned over her."Carla you don't want to be a notch on his bedpost do you?"
"Justin really!!!!"
"Carla I fell in love with you the first time we met, we were on location at that farm in Somerset.When we were filming the adaptation of your book.
Pigs in shit.Although I must say I prefered your second book.The shit hits the fan.
Have you got any more shit books in the pipeline Carla?"
"I've just finished my latest book actually,it's a spy thriller,it centres on the secret world of Conjurors.I've called it.
A shit trick."
"Well that's brilliant, Guy is a big fan of your books and since his divorce he's looking for some material to make a new film.He's having a party tonight why don't you come along with me and see if you can do a deal?"
Just then George returned to the table.
"We've been invited to Elton's party."
"George,I'm sorry but I'm going to Guy's party with Justin.Business is business you know."
George was taken aback,this is the first woman that had ever refused him.He would just have to see more of this adorable feisty creature.
"Please let me have your phone number so I can call you?"
Carla delved into her purse and gave him her card.
Then it was off to Guys party with Justin.