8.01pm: Interesting fact: I'm watching tonight's edition of X Factor on a slightly bigger television than usual, which means that I can see the razor rash on Simon Cowell's chest in horrific detail. If I go quiet, it's because I'm swallowing back sick.
8.08pm: Tonight's group song is the Cee-Lo song with the swearword in the title that I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say in The Guardian. Oh, it's Forget You. My apologies.
In summary: there were plinths, John kept pumping his arm backwards and forwards - presumably to remind his heart to keep beating because even it forgets that he exists sometimes - and Wagner was limited to saying the word "why" twice in the entire duration of the song. And then it ended. Hope that helps.
8.18pm: Month-long recap over, we can finally get down to business. Here's Michael Buble. I have literally no idea what he's singing, but it sounds a bit like The Beatles, if there was only one person in The Beatles and he looked like an abused circus ape in a suit. And he spent so much time bending over and looking constipated that he forgot to mime properly. And he was rubbish, obviously. SUBTEXT: I don't really like Michael Buble very much.8.26pm: Here it comes, the WORLD EXCLUSIVE performance of Cheryl Cole's new single. I haven't heard it yet, but let's just all assume that it's about Ashley, OK? These things usually tend to be.
8.32pm: This is all very underwhelming, isn't it? It's basically her just stamping around to a bad bit of 1990s Eurodisco. Absolutely not worth her spending all weekend sobbing her eyes out in front of Piers Morgan. Then again, nothing's worth that.
Still, now that Cheryl Cole has got to perform on a results show, they'll hopefully let Louis clamber up onstage next week and do some yo-yo tricks for five minutes. It's only fair.
8.38pm: Actual results time! Cher is through. Aiden is through. WAGNER IS THROUGH!! But the audience boos him. I'd like to fistfight that audience.
Katie is also through. BOOOOO.
8.43pm: One Direction, Rebecca, Belle Amie, Internet Dreamboy Matt Cardle and Mary are also through. And so is Paije.
So John's in the sing-off - no surprise there - and so is Traik. I knew this would happen yesterday, as soon as I said she was my favourite. In advance, I'd just like to quickly point out that Katie is absolutely hands down my favourite performer of next week's show. She's amazing. Definitely my favourite. Hooray for Katie.
8.52pm: John's first in the sing-off, performing Because Of You by, oh, The Lighthouse Family or something.
Traik's next, giving her song an Aiden-esque level of intensity. She's being so furiously intense that she doesn't seem to notice that she's tucked her skirt into her knickers. She'll go through, surely. SURELY.
8.57pm: Louis votes for John, Dannii talks for a full hour and a half and then votes for Traik. Cheryl votes for Traik. It's down to Simon. Who also seems to be intent on speaking for a full hour and a half.
Make that two hours.
Make that a full day.
Oh, he's voted for Traik. That's John out then. Surprisingly his Best Bits package consists of more than three seconds of a pile of dust and the sound of an arctic tundra, which is a credit to the X Factor editors.
