"I used to be snow white... but I drifted"   - Mae West

Patsy Stone:  The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic.

David Coleman - That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record.  

I Love Alan Partridge...
A do do do dah dah dah - gibberish classic

I saw that either in your sig or a post you made earlier it made me 

Joan Rivers
“I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor

He's my hero. Steve Coogan will always be Alan Partridge to me. I am such a saddo 

I wouldn't go quite that far 

Love Sean Locke too in '15 storeys high' - very dry- very funny!

I love the character Prom even if it's nothing like me...............

I like bitchy, pithy quotes - Joan Rivers and the likes of Dorothy Parker get my vote.
That said, Stephen Fry's comments about the Da Vinci Code made me chuckle:

"Complete loose-stool-water. Arse-gravy of the very worst kind."

A hard man is good to find - Mae West.

I love MW I had the above as my sig on C4 for ages and then a new Mod joined and removed it. I had a ruck and got it reinstated. Twunts.

All men are idiots and I married their king.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

W.C. Fields :  “You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch 
& may your arms be too short to scratch....

Don't know who said it - probably from a carry on film! 
Someone on ch4 had this as their sig for a while.

Well! If we are going to mention sigs then my gave was always, "tramps like us.... And we like tramps!" no idea who it was though but.

I don't recall the whole quote, but Quentin Crisps said something about dust accumulating, which I always found very comforting due to being rubbish at housework.

Cologne... I think it was "after five years, the dirt doesn't get any worse"

also Quentin Crisp said "Never try to keep up with the Jones's... drag them down to your level"