Mah, oh mah, you're a little off the wall, aren't you?

Ah simpleh have no ideah what you are tahlkin' about, I haven't written any lettehs today.

I'm sure you don't Mistress Soiledbrass, we shall see....I have handed out a fair amount of doubloons today and it's paid dividends 

Ah fear Ah may have need of mah Doctah now, the shock you see?

Hello in here, don't you know there's been a murdah in town?

Is that right, missy? And what do YOU know about it, exactly?

Well me hearties....old Captain Inky's been blotted  

The suspects are:

Barnie Caul... feared by the crew for his oversized ego and apparently sussed out by the Captain if Sophie Brassneck Silverbrass is to be believed. My informants have told me there are whispers he is in training to become a Cumbrian Wrestler now he seems to be unemployed. He was last seen in a local haberdashery trying to find a pattern for long knitted tights, one to be watched, even if it's just to point and laugh at admire his finished article.

Sophie Brassneck Silverbrass... frequent visitor to the Captains cabin, and know to be waiting at the docks for the Blackbird to enter port. She deserves a Willie (1700's equivalent to an Oscar) for her performance on hearing of the Captains demise. Seems to be very well off indeed, but why would she need the Captains help for 'transactions in the pipeline' 

Sir Lancelot Britworth-Jones....seems like a nice chap, next 

Eave Hoe.... A cross between Chris Bonnington and Usain Bolt  Likes to think she can be captain now, plenty enough motive and quick enough on her feet for a fast getaway. 

Warren Peace....plenty of Tolstoys coming out of his mouth *see what I did there*  I'm a writer not a fighter, snooping about and taking notes ...* ponders approaching him about a vacancy at The Daily Sin* he's got loads to hide, I need his notepad! He doesn't know if he's coming or going, that would explain his fetish for compasses.  

Bored yet? Stay with me, it gets worse 

Yu Lie ......  Strange sort of accent, Oriental with a tinge of European, some distant relation to Marco Polo perhaps Trusted with the Captain in his treasure room, plenty of motive to send the Capitan to Davy Jones's Locker.  Has a warrant on her head and will not say what it's for, makes note inquire more about this. Rumour is that she intends opening the first takeaway in Freetown *Yu Lies down after meal* 

Gayle Force.... Doesn't seem know his yardarm from his forearm, talks in a dodgy accent and his body clock seems way off to the rest of us He seems to be up very late in the night and could easily be creeping around in the early hours, ideal time to bump the Captain off. Keeps his cards close to his chest, seems to do everything in moderation  

Carry Oakey.... He/she, is the most hirsute looking woman I've ever laid eyes upon.... Powders her face and the powder puff sticks to her chin like velcro  Likes to gamble and owes money, and also liked to run with tales to the Captain...She definitely isn't what she appears to be 

Rusty Flintlock.... another one I can't exactly fathom out his/her gender. Unhealthy obsession with squeeze boxes, I must investigate this suspect more carefully 

There seems to be an awful lot of contamination to the crimes scene, I've noticed that hopeless drunken slapper slueth Vi Brator hanging about, she'll be Buccaneer and Buccanthere  Vi does interrogate the suspects well when she's sober and not chatting the blokes up. Most of the suspects are rough looking, Vi might be in with a chance of solving this if she can stay in one hammock and that being her own 

Muf  and Lori  Berk and Hairy more like.... disappeared into the night, I just think they were ambulance chasing 

Later....The Bag from the Rag 

I think that dastardly Yu Lie is the culprit........ never trust a dodgy accent

She's up to something Baz..... when we can decipher what the heck she's typing we might be closer to a answer  

Can Ah place an advert in the 'Situations Vacant' section please? Ah am lookin' for a new supplier to supply me with the fahnest of jewels and trinkets for mah lovely clients. Ah sure hope that Pirates jewellery traders will read this piece of toilet paper as Ah need to fahnd one soon.

And, for your information, Ah am truly devestated bah the untimely demise of the Captain, he was most helpful and kahnd to me.

ROFL

She is as elusive as the Scarlett Pimpernel (has he been born yet? This time travel messes with my head!) as well as as articulate as a confused Italian baboon trying to speak Russian.

Anything to oblige a desperate Lady, the Sin will place an advert for you..... I'm sure you have a nice necklace somewhere you can pay the bill with 

 I was laughing ....and then I read ^^^^ 

 Brilliant Dame!

Vi leaves herself wide open Hoochie  

*faints*

I'll get ye fer this ye varmint wench, ye'll not be so quick to make fun when I solve this here darn murrrder. 

*waves hanky in Brassy's face* 

I'm watching you Vi, and be sure if you solve it...you'll hit the front page for the right reasons this time

There's cash to be made here!!

  Does anybody have any initial guesses at who the murderer might be?

Well, Hoochie, I be narrowin' it down to a shortlist which I be more than happy ter share with ye.

I can say, with the most certain of certainties that the murderer's name be on this list.

LIST OF PEOPLE IN THE RUNNIN' FOR THIS 'ERE MURRRDER:

1) Barnie Caul

2) Eave Hoe (she ain't got what we thought below)

3) That Lance bloke

4) Snooty Sophie

5) Warren Peace

6) Yu Lie 

7) Cassy

8) Gayle Force

9) Rusty Flintock

10) The wench who writes the parchment, I've heard it be said that these sorts will do anythin' for ter be boostin' the sales of their rags.

11) Me...ter be honest, I been drinkin' that much grog anythin' be possible.

There ye go, that be me list of who I have narrowed it down to. Don't let it be said that I don't work hard on these cases.

 I've been impressed at your investigations Vi - Maybe this will be the ONE!!!!

Ooooh...that would be somethin'!!!! You know what I'm like though...it looks like I'll get there then I wander off course somewhere along the line and get it soooooo wrong!!!! I'm off for a read back to make notes (yes, I still do that!!) before the thread gets too long!!!

where's your Miss Marple avi -  not a reall MM without it Hoochie mama 

That be a mighty big list o' suspects ya got thar, Vi. Dang near everyone is on the list!

Argghhh!!! How can *I* be a suspect??!?! I be responsible for patchin' things up around here, be it man or ship--why in tarnation would I ever KILL anyone?

 I didn't get here until after the murder , otherwise well I'm well impressed how you have narrowed it down Vi  

After listening to that Rusty Flintlock trying to sing and banging on that old box, we at the Daily Sin have decided to run a Y Factor biggest tit Best Ditty competition  Our boss Rupert Muppet agreed today to pay off a substitutional prize to the winner of the best Sea Shanty, open to anyone that can't hold a tune 

I be somewhat familiar with that address.

So...if I CAN hold a tune, I shouldn't enter?

And...where'd you GET that "booty" you be plannin' on usin' for the prize, eh?

Ye can enter,but ye might not win  The booty will be coming from the bosses own pocket, he's on a roll paying out at the minute. he be owning Local Parchment Enterprises  Get warbling matey, you may be lucky 

*fiddles a toon arrrgh*

I'll have to owe ye the 5 dubloons, there be money owing to me

Here be mine.....

Ag-a-doo-doo-doo, Inky Black and his crew,
Ag-a-doo-doo-doo, Inky Black and his crew,
Was he stabbed to his left, stabbed to his right and fell down on his knees
And his the murderer dancing every night to this shanty melody

I met a sea Captain in some far off port,
He was utterly usless, that was my first thought
And when I went to the captain and said teach me some pirate stuff
He laughed and whispered to me, nay, and walked away in a huff

The lovely beach, in the sky the moon of Freeport
Sitting in the tavern all night long, we'll all be singin' this song

Ag-a-doo-doo-doo, Inky Black and his crew,
Ag-a-doo-doo-doo, Inky Black and his crew,
Did get stabbed to his left, stabbed to his right and fell down on his knees
And his the murderer dancing every night to this shanty melody

And down on the ship the crew try and gather some clues
While the ships doctor Gayle gives free R.I.P Inky tattoos

The crew are low lying seadogs, cheating thieving scum
All of them are stupid, their brains are in their bum
So with old Captain Black in Davy Jones's Locker
It'll be up to Vi to solve the murder, that'll be a shocker!

Ag-a-doo-doo-doo, Inky Black and his crew,
Ag-a-doo-doo-doo, Inky Black and his crew,
Did get stabbed to his left, stabbed to his right and fell down on his knees
And his the murderer dancing every night to this shanty melody

*grabs bottle of grog and starts to wail*

Under the sky, over the sea, pirating free,
The Pirates of the seven oceans  are we
Making good use of the ships that we find
Making so sure we leave nothing behind

Ol' Captain Inky Black
He's been a murdered on the ship he didn't want to leave
With a knife through his heart
Murder most horrid has just been committed.

Pirates are villainous, nasty and mean
Pirates are evil and Pirates are keen
Under sky, over sea, pirating  free
The Pirates of the seven oceans are we

People will notice us, we don't hide
We want revenge for our Captain who died
We pirate by night and we pirate by day
Looking for treasure to pillage away

We're so incredibly utterly devious
Making the most of everything
Even sinners and scum
Pick up the lowlife and make 'em into something new
Is what we do

Under sky, over sea, pirating free
The Pirates of the seven oceans are we
Making good use of the ships that we find
Making so sure we leave nothing behind.

*collapses in drunken heap*

*looks in money tin, one IOU and a ha'penny* 

Thank you for you're wonderful contributions Vi and the handsome Sir Lance, we may have to cut back on the magnificent prize if people don't start falling for it paying up 

*practises scales and gargles delicately before singing like a bird*

 .
There's no point in askin'
You won't lahk mah reply
And just remember ah don't lahk you
Ah got no reason y'all too rough

Y'always fahnd me,Out to lunch

Oh Ah'm so pretty
Oh so pretty
Ah'm vacant
Oh Ah'm so pretty
Oh so pretty
Vacant

Don't ask me to attend
'Cos Ah won't be there

Ah don't deny, Ah have nice hair

Ah don't believe those pirates ' cos they killed ol' Black

So stop your assumin'
'Cos Ah know what you lack

Oh Ah'm so pretty
Oh so pretty
Ah'm vacant
Oh Ah'm so pretty
Oh so pretty
Vacant

Oh Ah'm so pretty
Oh so pretty
Oh and look

Ah have nice hair.

*waits for prize money*

Looks like I'll need to get cracking on a little ditty of my own 

*waits for prize money* 

 They're all good - but Sophie's "Ah don't deny, Ah have nice hair" just cracked me up! 

For me it was the "gargles delicately". 

*Puts a short comment in the Daily Sin* Absolutely brilliant 

Hope ye be singing along