Oh Heidi and Spencer. We’ve learnt so much about them during their time in the Celebrity Big Brother house. Here's how to live life just like them... if you so wish.

Thou must not touch ANYTHING

Not even each other’s lips when kissing. The reason for this is based entirely on hygiene (known to you and us as OCD) and not wanting to pick up any germs from any other person in the world. If this means starving / dehydrating then so be it – better to expire in this clean fashion than by infection from someone else’s glass, cutlery, or door knob - that’s so not fabulous. The relationship with your spouse should be able to survive without physical contact – air kisses are so right now.

Thou must not talk to ANYONE who is not famous

Speidi demonstrated this perfectly when they quite literally refused to come up from their basement hideout at the beginning of CBB. When Frankie went down to live with them – they hid under the covers. Speaking to people who are not famous, depletes from your own celebrity reserves and these must be restored all times. (NB, now they know who the other housemates are and their level of notoriety, they can converse with them – this is also why they rarely talk to Tricia. Or ever will again when they leave the house).

Thou must not have any form of deformity on the body

... This includes an ounce of fat or facial character. This is the reason Heidi underwent such extensive plastic surgery. Physical perfection is life’s aim because it hides faults and Heidi’s pretty much achieved it, although many  think she already had it before. Spencer is the exception to this rule.  As are Heidi’s massive implants.

Spencer doesn't like people, people probably don't like Spencer

Thou must not have children

They’re unhygienic. Heidi has told the housemates she and Spencer have no plans for kids. Dogs are a perfectly acceptable replacement – the more hairless the better, obviously.

Thou must judge everyone, for everything

No form of exception is permitted. Anyone else’s opinion, no matter how well based, is a form of hatred against the creature known as Speidi.

Thou must launch into a rage if anyone judges Speidi because they can do no wrong. Ever

(See Frankie’s treatment after over-hearing his reasons for being “scared” of them during dictator task / Lacey deigning to shower in the nude/ anyone mentioning their name, as examples).

Thou must be a bit mean and exclusive to everyone

This sets ‘us’ against ‘you – the rest of the world’, which is the way it should be. Because Speidi are always right. Of course they also have the freedom to change their mind at any point, such as when Spencer said of his fellow housemates: “I was warmed by the housemates’ support for us during the task and their respect for how important it is to us and they stood up for us and I really appreciate it.” Then when they were forced to move back into the house with the rest of the celebs, Heidi said: “I’ve never hated people so much in my whole life.”

Heidi must talk in a sweet, girlie voice at all times

...Because this disguises rule 7 and therefore deceives the outside world.

Thou must run every decision in life past a crystal first

Because… crystals have almost as much power as Speidi and no one understands why either, therefore making everything unquestionable.

Thou must sign up to a college / Uni course / Tweet about if all other avenues of reality TV have been pursued

This gives Speidi absolute authority and everyone knows knowledge is power, don’t they? Whatever, Speidi do.