So sorry to hear that your mum had died.

I don't think you are being unreasonable or overly sensitive. If your mum described herself as Methodist and baptised you in that faith, then she obviously felt an affinity to that particular faith, even if she did not attend church regularly. 

I hope you and your dad can sort something out, which you will both be happy with.

first of all really sorry to hear about your mom

and i dont think youre being either of the above

its a tough call though with what to do

have you looked into Humanist services?

i vaguely recall its a service without the religion

its another option you could look into

again

sorry about your loss

Sorry for your loss   I was thinking along Pirate's lines of a humanist service?

She didn't attend the church at all, but it was her denomination and she never indicated that she'd switched to C of E.  I'm not religious at all but it just seems that this is a small and right gesture. She did believe and that was her denomination.  I can't understand my dad's lack of empathy - even after her death.  Everything just seems like the path of least resistance.    We all deal with grief in a different way and I suppose there is a sense of raising bitterness that should maybe should have been aired before.  I don't know if I could sit through the farce of a C of E funeral.

She did have faith but was in the protestant camp.  If it were for me, I'd have a humanist funeral because I don't have a faith.  A humanist funeral would be an insult to someone of faith - I think.

To be honest, I don't really know what the distinctions are between C of E and Methodist, as they are minor, so to me, it's a symbolic gesture.  My mum was a republican too - not that I think the C of E's association with the monarchy is a big deal as far as worship goes.

are you the only kid?

 I'm sorry to hear about your mum Carnelian.

I've got this horrible illness which will take me off much sooner than I had expected, so I had to face my inner catholic and see if I could do without a church service which is why I've decided on a humanist funeral as Pirate mentioned. I felt I needed to tell my children, so there were no doubts and problems. As your mother did not mention any preferance, I'd go with the assumption of a methodist service.

i gotta admit im not sure about republican stuff

im not the best person to offer advice

but i really hope you can sort it

and feel good about the 'send off' you think your mom would want

try not to get down & try not to argue with your dad

and maybe you can meet in the middle & find something that you both agree on

i wish you all the best

families eh!

No

cant you get together & do some kind of vote?

i know its probably not as simple as that but its an option

Well I hope so, but he has his own mind and is the patriarch (if you like) and next of kin.  She was his wife, after all. 

My sister agrees with me.  I have not mentioned it to my brother and other sister.  They are a bit more chilled and conciliatory about these things.

The thing is, my dad isn't ardent C of E and doesn't go to church and pray either.  He is C of E but even less religious than my mother.  It's odd because his mum was very religious in her latter life.

complicated

have a look at

https://humanism.org.uk/ceremo...-religious-funerals/

see if other members of family agree

then put it to your dad maybe?

i hope that link helps a bit

cos you dont need uproar when youre pissed off with losing your mom

thats bad enough as it is

Thanks all, my mum's death was coming but when it came the final end knocked me for six.  I've never felt worse than I felt on her death.  I feel it's all a bit Jeremy Kyle airing dirty linen in public under such circumstances. 

dont be daft

its us

its not 'public'

its just us lot

thanks pirate but she was not without faith.  The implication of a humanist funeral is that the person was without faith - which was not the case.  I do not have faith but it would be an insult to impose my views.  I am quite the militant atheist on forums with regard to matters of philosophy, but I am not a zealot.

See Pirate.

ok

im sure theres an alternative out there for you & your family

maybe a talk to the person who presides over the funeral would help

Most people of an older age are quite traditional - dunno where a humanist funeral would fit in. Did she ever suggerst one?

My deepest sympathy - so sorry

So sorry to hear your news Carnelian

Just a thought, but if your mum knew she was nearing the end, and her choice of service was important to her, would she have said something to someone?

And as she didn't, maybe it isn't?

I hope you all come to an agreement and send her off in a way that makes you all proud. 

Take care of youself 

So sorry to hear this

Sounds similar to my Mom Carnelian, she was Catholic most of her life and had me make my holy communion etc. After that she never really went to church, but still blessed herself when she passed by a church. So when i organised her funeral it was a no brainer that it would be a catholic service just a slightly shortened one as she wasn't massively religious in the years before she died.

Deepest sympathies for your loss Carnelian  Not at all Jermemy Kyle. Please don't worry about expressing your grief here.

Your feelings on a Methodist service are totally understandable. If Methodism was the denomination your Mum was born into - then its a nice personal nod towards her having a Methodist funeral. Doesn't matter if your Mum wasn't a person of faith. My father was a totally lapsed catholic but had a lovely catholic service in a chapel he'd never set foot in with a priest he'd never met. It was all arranged through the undertakers - they may have arrangements with local churches etc. But it just felt right - the solemnity and dignity of it. Oh and me and my brother aren't practicing Catholics either. We agreed afterwards it was so much better than the standard service in the undertaker's we'd originally gone for.

It was more a mark of respect than anything to do with deep faith.

Again deepest sympathies to you

Sorry to hear of your loss Carnelian

Would your father consider a joint service? That happens a lot in mixed faiths whether lapsed or not. it's a compromise of sorts for all but if he is of the kind that feels it's only his decision to make he may go with it rather than a complete change from his original preference.

Methodism is non conformist + would be far more bare and simple, more akin to baptism. C of E would be at the other end of the spectrum - more robes, pomp and adornment. I always think C of E [Or C of I in N.Ireland where I come from] as half way to catholicism - wine at communion etc. They're very different Carnelllian.

The undertakers would know and can be very sensitive and helpful with things like this - hope you can find a good one.Try a longer established more traditional firm maybe? 

Why not just say to your Dad "I'll take care of it"

And if he's anything like what you say he let you

Sorry for your loss, Carnelian.  

 If your Mum was a Methodist, and considered herself one up until the end, I think it's only right she has a Methodist funeral.  I'd speak to the sister that agrees and try and get the other onside. Say to your Dad you feel it's what your Mum would want and it will help you to do what you think she'd want - if he's not that religious himself, would it bother him that much to let you do what you think's right.  He might be relieved if you offer to sort it with the undertakers?

hope you sort it and that you're ok - I don't think it matters how 'expected' someone's passing is, it's still a shock when it actually happens. 

sorry for your loss, Carnelian 

I agree with saint, can you not put it to your dad to let you and your siblings arrange the funeral, then at least you would all have peace of mind 

I'm very sorry for your loss Carnelian And I agree with Saint and Dame . I'm also a * lapsed* Methodist ...but would still want a Methodist funeral ....which as Rosie says is a much simpler service . 

Thanks Rexi, indeed, I have considered that.  Maybe it wasn't important but the other view is that she would just consider it as a given. 

Her surviving siblings will obviously be attending and could be incredulous and deeply hurt that a C of E service was held.  What do I say to them?  I couldn't look them in the eye and lie that she wasn't bothered or that she converted to C of E.

I would point out that my sister in law is a practising Catholic and my mum wanted to attended a Catholic service - so she was far from strident.  Her view was that "It's different customs but it's still the same God".  I don't agree with that view, but she believed it.

Even with that in mind, I still think it should be a Methodist ceremony.

So sorry for your loss  I'd do what you think you mum would have wanted 

*Echoes what Aims says* 

Also, on looking back on your post Carnelian. I also think a Humanist service would be suitable. Neither one faith nor the other wins, and your mother is sent off with great memories of her  

But doesn't a humanist ceremony essentially exclude God?  She believed in God. 

If it were for me, I'd have a humanist ceremony because I'm a non-believer, but it's not. 

Maybe a quiet word with the undertakers then ... perhaps they will be able to persuade your dad.

I feel for you, this is such a hard time

Ah right, I see, but isn't every god different? As Dave Allen used to say...May your god go with you.  Therein everyone has different views on god. That's why I tend to go with no religion too and let everyone take what they want from it 

Absolutely!  You don't have to tell me about the contradictions and absurdities of religion.  I don't buy into it myself.  I'm a atheist but it's not about me, it's about what she would have wanted and I definitely know she'd want God in the ceremony.

Right, it's back to what you think she would've wanted then, and at least you tried if others complain  

Condolences on your loss, Carnelian!

If your siblings are in agreement with you then push for the Methodist service.

Thanks Kaffy, wise words, as I think I might have said before!