Two buddies, Jon and John, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly John throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me!"

Jon says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually John stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a hard time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, John says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cuplarrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."


Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?”


He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."


The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing . . . hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"


He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."


The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"


He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up all night.”

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.


'Becky my darling' he whispered.

'Hush my love,' she said. 'Rest, don't talk.'

He was insistent 'Becky,' he said in his tired voice, 'I have something
that I must confess.'


'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Becky, 'Everything's
all right, go to sleep.'

'No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know, sweetheart;' whispered Becky, 'let the poison work.'

Sexy Time
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her ailing sex-life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt, and sits opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs - until her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Yes..." she answers, with a seductive smile.
"Thank heaven for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."
--------
Taken from this weeks Zoo Mag.

THE GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.
'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.

'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.

'You must tell me all about it!'



'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green. I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'



'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutchedin his paws!'


'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'



Mother Superior sat back in her chair,folded her arms across her chest,fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



'Don't tell me......You missed the f**kin' putt, didn't you?'

CAN YOU GIVE ME A PUSH

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a
louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and
there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the
door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she
says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick
the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house
to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get
lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed
and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

Bad News, Good News, Great News.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"

"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.

And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

DIRTY DISHES
---------
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were
the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "Of course they were cleaned Father."
"They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells -
"Here Soap! Here Water!"

The Cruise!
---------
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
-----------------

His Last Wishes
----------
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

Some good ones there ^^^^^^

quote:

Originally posted by Dusty:
Some good ones there ^^^^^^

Keep them coming Dusty, I love them.
There is always plenty around worth posting.

Happy Butt

It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.

She replied, 'Happy Butt .'

The teacher said, 'Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out. '

So she went to the principal's office and he asked, 'What's your name?'

And the little girl said, 'Happy Butt.'

The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.

After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, 'Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.'

Grinning from ear to ear, the girl then exclaimed, 'Glad A**, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!'

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's pee-ing down out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man, being married, does as he is told, of course, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

quote:

Originally posted by Dusty:
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's pee-ing down out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man, being married, does as he is told, of course, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

I've posted this one already on Tuesday at 09.32.
Sorry about that.
See 'Can you give me a push'

Silly me

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Scot's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers woman!" She replies,
"You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
He reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's £20.
Go and buy yourself some!"

Lastly, the Irishman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, and all that's sacred woman! Where the feck are yer knickers?"
She too explains, "You don't give me enough money to buy new feckin knickers."
The Irishman reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit will ya!"

The Experiment
-----------
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten..."

You be the Judge!
----------
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

On Sale Now
------------
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

In Good Hands
------------
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yelps - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

New Anti-ageing Drug
-----------
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"

I went to Turkey some years ago and the name of this bank made me laugh!

quote:

Originally posted by Proggers:
I went to Turkey some years ago and the name of this bank made me laugh!

Can you order any one you want?

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, Not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, The husband asked sarcastically, "Relative's of yours?", "Yep" replied the wife "In-laws".

Children Have An Answer For Everything

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossaible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a large mammal it's throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human as it was physically impposible.
The Little girl said "When i get to heaven i will ask Jonah". The teacher asked "What if Jonah went to hell?", The girl replied,"Then you ask him".
-----------------------------------------------

A primary scool teacher onserving her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working away diligently, She asked what the drawing was. The girl replied "Im drawing god".
The teacher paused and then said "But no one knows what god looks like". Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing the girl replied "They will in a minute".
-----------------------------------------------

A sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy father and thy mother, She asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?", Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of the family) answered "Thou shall not kill".
-----------------------------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer she said "Now class, If i stood on my head, The blood as you know would run into it, And i would turn red in the face".
"Yes", The class said. "Then why is it that while im standing upright in the ordinary position the blood does'nt run into my feet?", A little boy shouted "Cause your feet ain't empty".
-----------------------------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray:"Take only ONE, God is watching".
Moving further along the lunch line, At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note "Take as many as you like God is watching the apples".

Marriage - Sex - Up to his Shoes.
----------
A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious
nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad.

In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove along, she remarked about his slow driving
habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a
game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive,
I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off
came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control
of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped
the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was
trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help," he said.

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he
told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the
road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't
pull him out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs,
replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope
for him."

Relationships - Sex - Mirror, Mirror, On The Door

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on
her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror,
mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts
grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her
husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror,
mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"

Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off!

Relationships - Sex - A Girls Special Gift

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well,what do you have to say NOW?"

So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

Relationships - Sex - Gonna Get Lucky

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night.

"We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's
had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

Relationships - Sex - The Insensitive Gorilla

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a
gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.

He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her
for about two hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?" she asks.

She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't called, he hasn't written!"

Do Not Talk To My Parrot
-------------------------

Wendy's dishwasher broke down so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, She told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, Leave the bill on the counter, And i'll mail you the cheque". "Oh and by the way don't worry about my dog Spike, He won't bother you. But, Whatever you do, Do NOT, Under ANY circumstances, Talk to my parrot! I repeat DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT".

When the repaiman arrived at Wendy's house the following day, He discovered the biggest meanest looking dog he'd ever seen, But just as she said the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot however, Drove him nuts the whole time with it's continuous yelling and cursing and name calling. Finally the repaiman could'nt contain himself any longer and yelled "SHUT UP YOU STUPID UGLY BIRD".

To which the parrot replied "Get him Spike".

Relationships - Sex - Better Than Viagra

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.

He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental.
He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."

Relationships - Sex - A Birthday Present For The Wife

A guy was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides,
she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Relationships - Sex - A charitable act

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

Relationships & Marriage - Sex - Dear Dr. Ruth...

Dear Dr. Ruth,

I am writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have married a sex maniac. For the past 12 years he makes love to me regardless of what I am doing. I can be ironing, cooking, cleaning, sweeping, cleaning the cat box, etc.

He just comes right at me and won't be dissuaded for any reason.
I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth3/ o,, fjsl; (o ------ .
lp sld mpskdlli

dlks, a;ld:;' . . . . .

Non-funnies but still.

What do you call a policeperson on fire ?

A pig roast.


What do you call a non-corrupt copper?

Nowt they are all corrupt.

What do you call a copper with a brain?

Unique.

Well you sure killed the thread with that post.

That's it now.

Closed
As far as i'm concerned.