What did one corgi say to the other after the Queen Mum died?
"At least they'll stop blaming us for peeing on the sofa.."
I love that one!
What did one corgi say to the other after the Queen Mum died?
"At least they'll stop blaming us for peeing on the sofa.."
What did one corgi say to the other after the Queen Mum died?
"At least they'll stop blaming us for peeing on the sofa.."
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes!
1. That's not right
(Sum Ting Wong)
2. See me ASAP
(Kum Hia Nao)
3. Small horse
(Tai Ni Po Ni)
4. You need a facelift
(Chin Tu Fat)
5. I thought you were on a diet
(Wai Yu Mun Ching)
6. He's cleaning car
(Wa Shing Ka)
7. Your body is offensive
(Yu Stin Ki Pu)
8. This is a tow away zone
(No Pah King)
9. Stupid man
(Dum Fuk)
10. Great!
(Fa Kin Su Pah)
I love the Chinese lesson ones
I don't understand what you mean - Wah u fa kin sai hing ta Mei
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
Are you harboring a fugitive - Hu Yu Hai Ding
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick "Someone's stolen your car!" Mick says "Did you see who did it?" Paddy says "No, but I got the registration number!!"
U can always tell if there's a police car in our area... Everyone in our street flushes their toilets at the same time
A blonde takes her car to a mechanic. he says "nothing to worry about, just shit in the air filter". She says "Brilliant, so how many times a day do i do that?"
Husband and wife go past a field of sheep, goats, and pigs, the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws".
I don't understand what you mean - Wah u fa kin sai hing ta Mei
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
Are you harboring a fugitive - Hu Yu Hai Ding
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick "Someone's stolen your car!" Mick says "Did you see who did it?" Paddy says "No, but I got the registration number!!"
U can always tell if there's a police car in our area... Everyone in our street flushes their toilets at the same time
A blonde takes her car to a mechanic. he says "nothing to worry about, just shit in the air filter". She says "Brilliant, so how many times a day do i do that?"
Husband and wife go past a field of sheep, goats, and pigs, the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws".
LOL
Nice one.
Edit: ones - plural
Nice one.
Edit: ones - plural
Reference:
Edit: ones - plural
Pedantry is compulsory round these parts!!! Don't do it again 
Got ma 'burial lyrics' at the ready, Karms. 
Edit: You're an exception, of course.
Edit: You're an exception, of course.
What's brown and runny?
Kelly Holmes.
Kelly Holmes.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be f....d!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be f....d!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
George Michael is settling well into prison....he's already written a song about his skinhead cellmate...Hairless Fister
A couple, Fred and Lynda, made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.
"Lynda, Lynda."
"Is that you, Fred?
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, go off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.
"Lynda, Lynda."
"Is that you, Fred?
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, go off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
The only one i ever remember is ....
2 laydees of the night walking down the street.. one turns to the other and says.." You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other one says," Nah , but i've been swung round by the tits..."
It's the only one i ever remember, god knows why.
A young man walks into a bar "10 shots of Tequila please barman"
"wow" says the barman, "what's the occasion?",
"my first blowjob" the young gent replies.
"In that case then young sir, let me give a 11th shot on the house.."
"No, it's ok..." says the youth, "...if the first 10 don't get rid of the taste I doubt the 11th will..."
"wow" says the barman, "what's the occasion?",
"my first blowjob" the young gent replies.
"In that case then young sir, let me give a 11th shot on the house.."
"No, it's ok..." says the youth, "...if the first 10 don't get rid of the taste I doubt the 11th will..."
Reference: Fracas
What's brown and runny? Kelly Holmes.
hahahahahahaha Sorry - I am a bit late to this thread ... but that is hysterical
Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way
they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine
Gum. He asked her name, "Polo - I'm the one with the hole", she said.
"I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out
the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his
hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker.
Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she
already had a few Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down
Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of
Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish
Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out. However, he noticed
her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. So he did a Twirl and had a
Picnic in her Sherbert. At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he
was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had a
Box of Assorted Creams. She had been with All Sorts.
She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way
they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine
Gum. He asked her name, "Polo - I'm the one with the hole", she said.
"I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out
the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his
hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker.
Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she
already had a few Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down
Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of
Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish
Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out. However, he noticed
her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. So he did a Twirl and had a
Picnic in her Sherbert. At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he
was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had a
Box of Assorted Creams. She had been with All Sorts.
An elderly couple,
Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope,' she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression,
Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.'
Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope,' she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression,
Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.'
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?
Tennish.
Tennish.
I had this suicidal mate. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
He was chuffed to bits.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous......................Slept with everyone
Athletic............................No tits
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful..........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...............Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure.............On medication
Feminist...........................Fat
Free spirit.........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun.................................Annoying
New-Age..........................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned...................No BJs
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Professional.......................Bitch
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10.You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Ain't Love Grand..
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal?"
She replied: "A can of peaches".
The judge asked her why she had stolen them
and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied "6".
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment,
the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge
if he could say something.
The Judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas".