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Just to lighten the mood, amidst all the gloom (and tension in some cases )
of recent days - having a good sense of humour would be much appreciated.
OK, I'll start.

 A blonde walked into a bar with both ears bandaged , and the barman asked what had happened. The blonde replied, "I was doing the ironing when the 'phone rang ". The barman then said, " But why both ears?", and the blonde replied, " Well, I had to call the doctor!"

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Reference:
EDIT: I was blonde for 3 years and got slated with those jokes (and also for having jet black eyebrows with said blonde hair) - but just to cover my arse, they can also apply to brunettes, redheads, strawberry blondes, medium brown, white hair, grey hair and bald people.
  

I've just been reading back - good stuff everyone   and thanks for  your contributions. .
Ninja
A woman went to the pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said ÂĢ50. "Why so little?" She asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided that she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the birds cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her and said, "new house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "new house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh at the new situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith." And that's when the **** hit the fan.
monkey13
A hotel in Glasgow was holding a "Scottish Weekend", to celebrate all things Scottish - plaids, kilts, tamo 'shanters, bagpipes, music, pictures etc.  All to celebrate and rejoice in Scottishness.
A visitor arrived at reception to check into the hotel.
The receptionist asked if he would like 'the tartan room'.
"Oh no thanks" replied the man "just the room."
brisket

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