Just been to the pub and took part in a pub quiz. I knew it was a rough one when the first question was "what the f**k are you looking at?"

Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland. They were nearly there when they saw a sign that said 'Disneyland left' and they cried all the way home.

I've just come out of the chipshop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him "I wish I had your fecking will power".

At dawn this morning, police raided a Bradford housing estate, and arrested 136 suspected terrorists, albeit it seems that 94 other suspects escaped. 

However, a police spokesman later claimed that because of the operation's overall success, they planned to raid another house tomorrow.

Liking your work BTW, Karma  

Bloke in pub to his mates. 

'"Got my son an iPhone for his birthday and later got my daughter an iPod for hers. I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me a iPad for Father's day. Got the missus an iRon for Mother's Day. It was around then the fight started..."  

Ditto

EDIT: I was blonde for 3 years and got slated with those jokes (and also for having jet black eyebrows with said blonde hair) - but just to cover my arse, they can also apply to brunettes, redheads, strawberry blondes, medium brown, white hair, grey hair and bald people.

A Sean Lock gag  --->  How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?  Pick it up and suck its c***.

What do you call a woman with 2 (erm) fannies?  N-Dubz.

Breaking news on Sky Sports News....the are unconfirmed reports that an un-named England player has been caught shagging his own wife!

I've just downloaded a copy of the Koran....does anyone want me to burn them a copy?

Here is the most unfunny jokes in the history of unfunny jokes....

"I opened the window...... and influenza...."


My silly OH thinks this is the funniest joke EVER!

I saw that one yesterday, except fannies was replaced by James Blunt slang

I know, but I might have been sent on a little holiday if I'd posted that


The alternative punchline is 'Jedward's mum'.

How do ghosts make love?  They put the willies up each other.

As you know Karma, I went to see my brother's little baby yesterday.  He said, "Do you want to wind him?"  I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave him a dead leg.

Tiger Woods, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Wayne Rooney, Mark Owen, vernon Kaye....what do they a have in common?



Wives who obviously need to make more of an effort!

Mohammed sitting next to Paddy on a plane, stewardess asks Paddy if he wants a drink , "I'll have a whiskey please" she says to Mohammed "what about you? He replies "I'd rather be gang raped by a thousand whore than let alcohol pass my lips!" Paddy hands his drink back and says "Me too , I didn't know we had a choice!"

Oh.My.God

Awww bless him, I welled up seeing the pics, he's so gorgeous x

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?  Justice Fingers.

I know, I felt bad about the dead leg to be honest.

An English tourist asks an Irish fisherman ; "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?". And the Irishman replied, " If they fell forward they would still be in the effin boat!".

  

I've just been reading back - good stuff everyone   and thanks for  your contributions. .

A chap I know is 'having it off' as they say, with twins, who apparently, both like it rear - wise. I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he said,that it was easy, as Sally had long blonde hair, and Derek had a moustache.

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet. 
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. 
The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". 
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy shouting frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" 
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. 
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing he's inconsolable. 
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" 
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. 
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. 
"Here boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. 
A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. 
"What on earth are ye doing?" he asks. 
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies. 
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard. 
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

A woman went to the pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £50. "Why so little?" She asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided that she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the birds cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her and said, "new house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "new house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh at the new situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith." And that's when the **** hit the fan.

There were these two drums and a set of cymbals on top of a cliff...











...BOOM BOOM TISH!

A hotel in Glasgow was holding a "Scottish Weekend", to celebrate all things Scottish - plaids, kilts, tamo 'shanters, bagpipes, music, pictures etc.  All to celebrate and rejoice in Scottishness.
A visitor arrived at reception to check into the hotel.
The receptionist asked if he would like 'the tartan room'.
"Oh no thanks" replied the man "just the room."

lol

New website has opened for would be suicide bombers to meet up....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
...Friends Re-Ignited.

Hahahahahaha