Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings.

RECREATE that 'sat in the audience at a Jeremy Kyle show' feeling by sitting in the order collection area at Argos

SAVE your wife buying expensive fishnet tights by looking at her legs through a sieve

Heheheheh!!! ! 

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

i swear you'd best stop stalking me

 ! Behind you!!

i looked aswell

DOH

A couple off gadjies had just spent their first week on a mediterranean holiday. Alan said, "Jeff! How come you 'ave so much luck with the birds?" "Well Jeff, ah just stick a spud down me trunks, it never fails!" Two days later, "Ah thought yer said if ah put a spud down me trunks ah'd end up in quim heaven. "ya daft bugga, yer meant to put it down the front of yer trunks, not the back!" The old, misogynistic, size matters, ones are the best!

Thanks guys these jokes are funny they certainly made me laugh

 

Pirate thanks for your twitter jokes too  i wish i knew some to share

 

I have just read through the thread again from the beginning and i can laugh at them better now she is home

How's she doing ?  Mending, I hope! Great she's home, must be a relief.

Have had a right laugh at  some of the stuff on here  

Yes Duchess, excellent that she's home and hope she's improving

After being escorted out of KingsCross station with concussion Im begining to think my Hogwarts acceptance letter was a hoax

Welcome to the Dragons' Den, where we welcome new Dragon, Hilary Devey, who made her millions in the haulage industry. Hauling around her massive testicles.