O/T Have I taken this the wrong way?

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Rawky-Roo

So some of you will know about my Mum and since her passing I took about a month off work. I have been back for the last week and everything seems to be ok.

Whilst I took the time off, I received a card from my work with messages of condolences from the staff. It was the usual, nice messages that you expect. One message was from a guy called 'Bob' (not his real name). The message read like this: So sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you Pretty standard, but nice all the same.

Anyway, today at work I saw Bob, for the first time since being back and the first thing he asked me was How is your Mum?
I was a little taken back by this as he knew about her condition and obviously knew why I was off for a month due to the message he left in the card. So I told him the news and he just went Hmmmm. Which makes me think, why did you ask when you already know?

I didn't dwell too much on that but then he said: I bet it feels like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders hasn't it?

Dunno why, but that comment just really winded me. And its got me thinking if this Bob is for real? Is he really that clueless or have I just taken it completely the wrong way? I'm sure there was no malice behind it but I couldn't believe he said it.

Replies sorted oldest to newest

LiverpoollassMember

Seems a bit odd to me Rawky and rather insensitive, imo. I wouldn't dwell too much on it, but what about asking him what he meant?

Sorry to hear about your mum

9/1/1012:04 PM

PeterCatMember

It does sound very insensitive, Rawky. Maybe he just didn't know what to say, especially since he'd either forgotten or not been conscious of her death.

I'm also guessing that, since your mother died very recently, this is something that you feel very keenly. So something someone says would have a greater impact on you than it would, say, years from now. This isn't to say that you're wrong in any way, just that I'm agreeing with you that there probably was no malice behind his thoughtlessness.

Whatever the case, I'm really sorry to hear that you've had to go through that. It must feel like someone rubbing salt into the wound

9/1/1012:07 PM

Ev (Peachy)Member

Maybe he was embarrased and didn't know what to say. Very tactless in any respect.
Hopefully it was just misjudged.

9/1/1012:07 PM

Karma_Member

Pete you're bliddy ace xxx

9/1/1012:08 PM

SezitMember

Rawky.

He is insensitive and clue less if you ask me. When my husband died,I got people months, even years later asking me how he was.What happens is, generally people think about your loved one at the time of their passing, then each week that passes they tend to get on with their lives and put it to the back of their mind. So, after about 6 weeks, they are not feeling the rawness that you still feel, and other things in their lives have taken on more importance.
So,they are not being cold, or uncaring, just very thoughtless in my opinion. Thats how I looked at it in my time of grieving.

9/1/1012:08 PM

CroctacusMember

He probably momentarily forgot and then didn't know what to say when you told him and then felt he had to say something and got it completely wrong.

i should imagine he wanted to crawl undre a stone afterwards.

9/1/1012:10 PM

Soozy WooMember

He's obviously a bit of a twat! perhaps he just signed the card not knowing what it was really all about (it happens in big companies) - or perhaps he's just an insensitive individual and lacking in social skills.

Either way I wouldn't let it get to you - knob heads are everywhere ans sometimes you just have to accept it!

(and I don't give them out lightly)

9/1/1012:15 PM

KaterinaMember

I'd put it down to awkwardness and not knowing what to say, like others have posted here.

Because I didn't cry and wail at my mother's funeral, someone remarked to me outside the crematorium: 'it hasn't hit you yet, has it'
Some people can be incredibly insensitive, and judgemental. Try to put it down to their ignorance, Rawky. They have no idea how it feels and strange things are said because of that.

9/1/1012:18 PM

monkey13Member

So sorry to hear about your Mum Rawky

I had someone ask me how my Father was 10 yrs after he passed and when I informed him that my Dad had died he stumbled and awkwardly tried to say sorry but only continued to make it sound worse. I think like everyone has said at worse it was very insensitive, but feelings being raw right now it has upset you. Do you know whether he actually wrote the card?

9/1/1012:22 PM

KayteeMember 10 years

Rawky...he probably realised he'd made a big boo boo and then compounded it by not thinking about what he was saying before he opened his mouth. All in all, very tactless and thoughtless, I suppose he's kicking himself now

9/1/1012:23 PM

MoonbeamsMember

I'm sure he wished the ground would open up and swallow him. I'd go with the clueless option.

I found that if people greeted you with their head tilted to the side they remembered you were grieving and if they didn't do the head tilt they'd forgotten about it.

9/1/1012:23 PM

Rawky-RooMember 10 years

Thanks guys.

Yeah Monkey, he definitely wrote the message. Its odd as he was the only one from work he would ask about my mum, even before she passed. I recalled him always asking one question too many though....

9/1/1012:25 PM

Former Member

Rawky pet

I suspect Bob has never had any significant loss in his life and doesn't have the first clue how it feels/what to say. Is he a close colleague, or just someone in the office? If he's the former then he sounds like an uncaring and insensitive git!

9/1/1012:26 PM

EllsMember

Rawky I wouldn't be able to count how many times my mum has done that but for her it's a case of forgetfulness, being flustered or having other things on her mind. She'll often ask the same Qs to most people 'How are you keeping? How's your Mum (dad/OH)?' that sort of thing and a lot of the time she is reminded that the person in question died and even on occasion that she has been to the wake. The latter part of your convo is a different story, maybe he has thought that people who were in your situation might feel a bit of relief that your mum was no longer suffering or scared. Whatever the case......big hugs for you xx

9/1/1012:27 PM

Rawky-RooMember 10 years

No we aren't particularly close. He's always been generally nice to me. He's in his late 30's and would often talk to me about how stressed he is because he got caught cheating on his wife with a 20 year old girl

9/1/1012:32 PM

ClumsycatMember

if he is not a close friend chances are he didnt give you a 2nd thought when you were off.. i dont mean that to sound horrible but i dont think he meant to be thoughtless. As has been commented , big companies are like that. Concentrate on your friends & family.
Sorry for your loss,
i cannot even begin to imagine what it was like for you xx

9/1/1012:33 PM

MoonbeamsMember

oh he sounds like a right charmer. I've changed my mind and will go with the twat option.

9/1/1012:34 PM

Smarting ButtocksMember

Perhaps as he asked the question he had forgotten your Mum had passed away.

I had a similar experience myself after returning to work when my Mum died.

Some guy asked how my new year had gone (my had Mum died in the new year holidays) and said "I hear you had a bit of a bereavement"

9/1/1012:39 PM

Former Member

Reference:

Sounds like he had other things on his mind Rawky !
I'd just try and forget about it hun'... maybe Bob realises that some people do feel a sense of relief in a way when a loved one dies and their suffering comes to end and that's what he meant? I know I felt that with both of my parents....doesn't stop it hurting like hell 'though

9/1/1012:41 PM

CroctacusMember

Reference:

people do feel a sense of relief in a way when a loved one dies and their suffering comes to end and that's what he meant?

True....when my sister heard our mum had died her first words were 'thank God'

9/1/1012:43 PM

Karma_Member

Reference:

True....when my sister heard our mum had died her first words were 'thank God'

K was the same when his Grandma died recently, he said 'At least she's out of pain now'.

9/1/1012:53 PM

liverbirdMember 10 years

Awww Rawky, I know myself people do not know how to handle grief. I can imagine it would have hurt you but he probably wasn't thinking. Some people when I returned to work after a bereavement just said "good to see you back" and moved on which I appreciated as anymore would have made me cry! Better than crossing the street to avoid me!

Try not to let it upset you, hopefully it wasn't meant in a bad way, just rather unthinking

9/1/101:13 PM

liverbirdMember 10 years

Reference:

"I hear you had a bit of a bereavement"

Shocking!

9/1/101:14 PM

Soozy WooMember

Reference:

Some people when I returned to work after a bereavement just said "good to see you back" and moved on

I think that's all that is needed and sensitive people would simply do that.

Sadly there really are some dickheads out there.

9/1/102:48 PM

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