Not me you daft slag bat... all will be revealed

no vu deed vot * Flounces away*

I have given this a lot of thought…….I even went as far as only playing a measly four innings with Vi last night so I could have a little bit of extra time to think!

Now I reckon the whole lot of ya have a decent enough motive….Eileen, a woman marked poorly out of ten (ouch that’s gotta hurt). Marcus, a man (well….kinda) having to watch his ex-friend and bitter rival earn more than he ever could. Reeda, finally gets a chance to prove she can achieve something without sleeping with some ugly git to get it, and Cowl cheats and robs her of the glory. Woody an old has been, about to be cast aside for a younger (and sexier ) presenter. Roxy, did Cowl’s dirty work and didn’t get a penny to show for it. And finally Wilma…..drugged up to the eye balls, abused by all and sundry, spouting a mixed up story about an ex - tranny/sheikh marrying/priest/nun - boyfriend that got lost in translation a vit….erm…I mean bit, but I’m sure as hell there is a motive there somewhere.

But the only one of ya with the motive, the means, AND the balls to do the deed is……du du DUUUUH…….EMMANUEL HANDLER!!!!

He killed Cowl, with his own red stiletto! The one he wore in the final last year…..the one he wore when he was TIPSY TOPPLOVA! A-HA! Yes, that’s right…..Emmanuel was never married to Tipsy, he WAS Tipsy! That’s why they have never been seen in the same competition as one another

Emmanuel wasn’t angry at Cowl for stealing his wife, he was angry at Cowl for discovering his secret and rejecting him…….when Cowl started an affair with “Tipsy” it must have come as quite a shock to discover he was actually a man in drag….. Cowl liked things exotic in the bedroom…. But this was a step too far, so he rejected poor, gender confused, Emma.  I can only imagine the rows, the accusations, and the blackmail that followed.  

So why now….why wait a year to kill him? Hmmm….. maybe he needed time to spread a little confusion, gather together a few more suspect characters to take the heat off Emma himself. So he hatches an evil plan! He appeals to Cowl’s greedy side and instead of paying him blackmail money, they plot a lucrative betting scam together. Emma picks the perfect partner, Reeda, someone who isn’t going to take kindly to being given a helping hand in the competition…… he encourages Cowl to go after Woody’s job…… suggests recruiting Roxy into his little scheme….. stirs up Marcus’ old memories of what Cowl did to him, by making sure red stiletto’s featured heavily throughout the whole series…….maybe he even got poor old Eileen to fall for Cowl somehow……..it was a complicated, convoluted, unbelievably  far fetched plan……but he pulled it off…… making only one fatal mistake

….. convincing Cowl to bring his ex-girlfriend into the show!

YES THAT’S RIGHT! Emmanuel/Tipsy is Wilma’s ex boyfriend….. turned girlfriend…turned back to boyfriend …..   (told you it was a bit far fetched ). He made sure he plied her with enough drugs, put on enough fake tan, and a stupid enough moustache, to ensure she didn’t recognise him….. and then set her up as his alibi, knowing that she would pass out sometime during their night together…..allowing him to sneak away and finally….FINALLY….exact cold, calculated revenge on Mr Cowl for rejecting him in his female form.  And what better way to do it than with the very shoe he wore when he won last years final….. the sexy red pair that first convinced Cowl that putting his hand up Tipsy’s skirt would be a good idea.

Oooooooor maybe Tipsy really was his wife and he was just a bit pissed that Cowl shagged her?

I dunno.

But he did it! You mark my words. I may only have one brain cell….. but I sure make it work for a living

Oh god...don't tell me Emmanuel is her ex and he was doping her up so she wouldn't recognise him??? 

Wish I had used my Emmanuel accusation 

It's enough to make you go straight!!!

vight - i ma going vu accuse in my best Orxford Engleeesh!!!

The rings staying down th loo if he is

Duck boy I was about to say great minds think alike but hey I have so many more brain cells than you and I'm left wondering how you managed to come to the same conclusion as me - well done old chap    That's definitely got Handler hit for six 

HMMMM in my best Orxford Engleesh:

I had to toss up between the person I am accusing,Dazzler (always flip and accuses others and like Teflon deflects everything away from himself to others,) or Emmanuel.

After a long  thought provoking decision I have decided  to accuse Eileen Over.

Reading through the thread – she kept a very low profile throughout and was very short and precise with her responses in order to create the impression of efficiency and honesty. Yet  I think despite claiming an honourable split from Crane due to sexuual preferences with hamsters !!!! – I do not think this is the true account which is flawed especially as he gave her sexual prowess 1 out of ten!!!! Devastating !

She gives the impression of being a prissy missy BUT she fell in love with Cowl after a week  - this denotes an unstable personality trait – possibly psychopathic.

She says she dropped him – I think it was the other way around , he dropped her and she couldn’t cope with the fact he had got rid of her – did she have the suspect sexual preferences not him???? Food for thought !!!!

She was also a World champion ballroom queen at one time – did cowl rebuff her yearnings  to be on the dance floor indstead of being  a judge.

 She was also a poor  judge- she wore glasses to peer at other judges marks – was Cowl going to getrid of her  as judgedue to this?? How the mighty would have fallen.

 Did not being  reinstated  as a balllroom queen + being a  a possible sacked Judge – tip her over the edge to kill him?????

 I think so – she planned his killing in a cold and calculating way

 To further add to her guilt -  a witness heard the words:

‘Wehave discussed all we are going to discuss’ before he was murdered – yes discussed that she wasn’t doing to reinstated as a ballroom professional and sacked for being a cheating judge !!! – she could not accept this was his final decision especially after she had declared her love for him – meant or not.

 Another factor was the notebook she always carried for’ideas’ – what was in it ???  precisely nothing!!

She was a fake judge and she could not forgive him for rejecting her love or  not liking her adventurous sexual orientations.

OR on the other hand did she pretend to fall in love with Cowl to soften him up so she could once again have  a chance to be a ballroom queen – after all Cowl was already rigging the competition – when he refused and refused to duscuss it further  -  she saw red  !!!!with a red stilletto and killed him in anger and spite through a red mist hell bent on revenge

A cold calcualting prissy missy.

Eileen Over I accuse you !!!!!!

P.S – Emmanuel is my second choice*

Hmmmm..... I still have my eye on you though girly....no moving towards the exits ya hear me?

There has been precious little evidence produced during the course of this rather tedious investigation. A lot of slander yes but with nothing to back it up.

For this reason my accusation has been made on gut feeling backed up with common sense and a little home straight advantage.

It may came as a surprise to you but I do have a family member that has murderous tendencies. Unfortunately he is banged up at the moment so I had to make do with a couple of phone calls to him for assistance.

Lets begin. I of course know it was not me.

I am going to ignore the alibi's put forward as even if some of you are corroborating each other, it is still possible that  you are in league with each other.

I am also going to eliminate all of our female's present that night. I am going by the one witness statement we have. It indicated Crane almost pleaded with his killer to stop. I think even he could have overpowered a woman with a stiletto

This leaves the fine gentlemen.

So we are left with Emmanual, Woody and Dazzler.

Woody has the flimsiest alibi I have heard, so flimsy I believe it

Emmanuel asked the question where were people, Vilma Wilma gave him his alibi so he was not really asked. This is flimsy to say the least as not even Wilma know's where she is most of the time. He could be the killer.

However!!

At first Dazzlers alibi threw me.. A radio interview at the time of Cowl's death. Rock solid.

Then I thought We don't know the exact time of death and even a radio interview could be fixed with a tape recorder for long enough for him to grab the stiletto and make his way to the crime scene.

Dazzler has a temper that is only engaged when he thinks he is being lied to or if someone he likes is getting hurt. I would like to think Cowl would easily have done that. He is also by far the most powerful individual present that night.

When he made a B line for our detective, the  Gullible Vi and kept her off his scent with his bat's (well you know what I mean).

Dazzler I believe YOU are the killer.  Book him Danno (Ooops wrong show).

Collapses onto bar seat and throws a tripple Southern Comfort laced with Benedictine and Grand Marnier and a dash of Coke. (no ice) down in one.

What's that irritating buzzing sound?

You killed Danno !

Dazzlerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....tell me he's wrong.....

To my mind,there is only one person who is capable and sly enough to commit this crime.

Lets look at the evidence..

1/ Who quite categorically stated she hated Crane for so many different reasons - over and over again she has shown no sorrow or remorse for his death.

2/ Who clearly lied about her education ? No way was she educated at Oxford.In fact I can tell you now NO college at Oxford offers the degree that she apparently got.Her English is appalling so I am finding it hard that she would be studying it to doctorate level.

3/ Who is  volatile, a drug addict and mentally unstable and is quite ready to sell her body to the highest bidder?

4. Who needed to win at any cost and yet had no chance because it was rigged against her?

Vilma - you have shown yourself to be morally corrupt, have no conscience and have every reason to hate Crane.

Killing him would be the ultimate revenge..

Admit it - you did it.

Oh and BTW - you also showed a lovely picture of yourself in Hungarian National costume....

wearing red stillettos!!!

He's wrong. 1,000,000 %  (as Cowl used to say) wrong! 

better than a size ten Cowboy boots eh Eiieen

OMG Clutches face.. Of course!!!

....

Hmmmm there is some reasoning there

Wilmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaa....Fred is going to be most annoyed.

OMG OMG Treee accusations voe voe Igen igen

Hey someone had to accuse the Duck.. 

Bugger. I must pay more attention.

Tree?? I didn't see a tree 

It fir you 

sh*t I was dictating 

At least you weren't lactating.

Thank you all for your time - please return tomorrow for the

The Reveal

A weeping Willow??

I think I got away with it

Thank you all for your time - please return tomorrow for the

The Reveal

*must not strip...must not strip...that is not the kind of reveal she is on about*

anyone for Latte

I considered it

I covered it in orange sauce 

Then licked it all off?

Obviously! Couldn't leave his wicket that sticky, could I?

Well I'm stumped Night for now.

*checks times for trains to Ecclefechan* 

 It's only nine miles from there to Gretna ya know?