Need Advice Please

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Sunnie

My son was 15 in June, is a lovely boy, never had any problems with him on a large scale.
He's very successful with the girlies and always has one on the go. Up til now they have been from Army Cadets or his school. Over the weekend he met up (on Facebook) with a girl from his Middle School. They were "going out" within the day, have met every day since and today have had the text Can Hannah stay over Friday night? My immediate response was No, she is welcome to come round for tea and the evening and I will take her home but not stay.
(He's never brought a girl home before.)
Then he texted if she can't come to mine I'm going to hers, I said No to that too.
It's now detiorated into a full blown row and I really don't know what to do next.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Replies sorted oldest to newest

loislaneMember

Hormones have definitely kicked in for him.
Few questions.
Why do you not want her staying?
Where would she be sleeping?
Maybe you should suggest meeting her at least once before staying over becomes an option.
When he says for her to stay over I assume it's in seperate bedrooms?

6/30/097:04 AM

DemantoidMember

Stick to your guns.

6/30/097:08 AM

j0anneMember

ohh nooo...

well personally IF the sleep over were going to happen id ather have it where i could monitor it and make sure all was above board....

I would want to speak to her parents and set ground rules see what they are happy with ....as well as yourself

then i would talk to son and tell him you need to sit like adults if he wants to behave like one and talk this thru

tell him your worries and fears .....tell him that you feel presurised having who is esentially a stranger in your house over night and that if they were still dating in a few weeks time and you had chance to get to know the girl you wouldnt have had such a major reaction...

Set your rules out non negotiable....as in seperate rooms ect no monkey business....if he lets you down the results.....

i know it must be hard ..and i do feel for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

6/30/097:08 AM

longcatMember

Have you asked if his idea of a sleepover involves getting naked?

6/30/097:09 AM

MozartMember

at 15 years old you are still responsible for him, he has to learn to respect your house rules and guidelines. If you say no it should mean no.explain that you dont know this girl and he doesnt know this girl, she could make allegations againt you/him and then all hell breaks loose tell him that you dont want to be in that sort of position and neither should he.

6/30/097:09 AM

peggytysonMember

I would definitely agree you should get to know this girl first. After all he is only just 15 and i assume she is the same age. Kids nowadays always seem to want to rush into things, i've had the same sort of thing happen with mine. If i was you i'd stick to your guns, they are still very young. Good luck!

peg x

6/30/097:10 AM

SunnieMember

quote:
Originally posted by loislane:
Hormones have definitely kicked in for him.
Few questions.
Why do you not want her staying?
Where would she be sleeping?
Maybe you should suggest meeting her at least once before staying over becomes an option.
When he says for her to stay over I assume it's in seperate bedrooms?

I don't want her to stay because I've never met her, am worried about hormonal teenagers wandering about over night, it's just too soon.

There is a spare bedroom but he says she can stay in his room. Doesn't help he has 2 girls and a boy (family friends who stay over in his room at weekends) over and he doesn't see the difference.

I have said I want her meet her first but he's throwing his toys out the pram about this.

6/30/097:10 AM

Former Member

My son is the same age and havent had that problem...yet. But i would let her stay, seperate rooms at bedtime tho!!! i would prefer them under my roof rather than hers so i could keep an eye on them

6/30/097:10 AM

MentalistMember

It seems very quick for the sleepover thing, but then I am old. I'm also a bit surprised that it would be ok with her parents because much as you don't know her, they don't know him. Perhaps you need to talk to them.

6/30/097:11 AM

SunnieMember

quote:
Originally posted by Demantoid:
Stick to your guns.

Am trying but getting upset.

6/30/097:11 AM

MozartMember

seperate rooms or not makes no difference if they are keen to have sex, i assume thats what your concerns are, forgive me if they are not.

6/30/097:12 AM

DemantoidMember

quote:
Originally posted by Sunnie:
quote:
Originally posted by Demantoid:
Stick to your guns.

Am trying but getting upset.

Awwww
As someone wise once said - this too, shall pass.

6/30/097:13 AM

Queen of the High TeasMember

quote:
Originally posted by j0anne:
ohh nooo...

well personally IF the sleep over were going to happen id ather have it where i could monitor it and make sure all was above board....

I would want to speak to her parents and set ground rules see what they are happy with ....as well as yourself

then i would talk to son and tell him you need to sit like adults if he wants to behave like one and talk this thru

tell him your worries and fears .....tell him that you feel presurised having who is esentially a stranger in your house over night and that if they were still dating in a few weeks time and you had chance to get to know the girl you wouldnt have had such a major reaction...

Set your rules out non negotiable....as in seperate rooms ect no monkey business....if he lets you down the results.....

i know it must be hard ..and i do feel for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

^^^^^^ What JOanne said.

6/30/097:13 AM

justafriendMember

dont get upset sunnie

have a good chat with him, im sure hes a sensible lad.
lets hope shes a sensible girl as well.
you need to meet her really before sleepovers.

6/30/097:13 AM

SunnieMember

quote:
Originally posted by j0anne:
ohh nooo...

well personally IF the sleep over were going to happen id ather have it where i could monitor it and make sure all was above board....

I would want to speak to her parents and set ground rules see what they are happy with ....as well as yourself

then i would talk to son and tell him you need to sit like adults if he wants to behave like one and talk this thru

tell him your worries and fears .....tell him that you feel presurised having who is esentially a stranger in your house over night and that if they were still dating in a few weeks time and you had chance to get to know the girl you wouldnt have had such a major reaction...

Set your rules out non negotiable....as in seperate rooms ect no monkey business....if he lets you down the results.....

i know it must be hard ..and i do feel for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank You, we usulaly can talk and he's very good, he knows how I feel about this sort of thing but his reaction is unusual and that's what is worrying me.

6/30/097:13 AM

longcatMember

If they are going to have sex trust me a bedroom and sleepovers won't stop them. Perhaps they just want to spend time together. You really need to talk to your son without losing your rag. My son's girl comes over all the time but we have had that chat and he is a little older and they are being sensible.

6/30/097:15 AM

Penelope PitstopMember

As a parent of a teenage daughter I wouldn't be happy with her staying over at a boys house or him here.
I'm surprised her parents are allowing it tbh.

Maybe you could get the girls phone number and speak to her parents and ask what their thoughts are. If they agree with you then problem solved.

If they're ok with it but your're not then stick with what you've said.

Good luck!

6/30/097:15 AM

loislaneMember

You're right so I would defilnitely say no & explain that until you've met her & the parents you won't feel comfortable with any staying over situation.
As boyfriend & girlfriend must have seperate rooms, it's a totally different situation to friends staying over.

Sit down with him later for a chat calmy talk it out.

Himself & girlfriend have some "plans" made for friday night. That's why he's angry, with you saying no it makes him look foolish in front of his girlfriend. It sounds to me they are planning to get hot & heavy very fast. Only my opinion.

6/30/097:15 AM

peggytysonMember

quote:
Originally posted by Sunnie:
quote:
Originally posted by Demantoid:
Stick to your guns.

Am trying but getting upset.

Its hard, i know, but try to be firm, don't let him make you feel guilty, like he's the only one never allowed to do this. This is a trick a lot of them try "oh i'm the only one..." Don't fall for it, i'm speaking from experience!!

Anyway, you have to wonder at her parents if they will let her stay at yours when they don't know you either. You don't want him led into all sorts. (forgive me, i'm rambling).

peg x

6/30/097:16 AM

Teddy BleadsMember

quote:
There is a spare bedroom but he says she can stay in his room. Doesn't help he has 2 girls and a boy (family friends who stay over in his room at weekends) over and he doesn't see the difference.

The difference is you know them and you know the score. I'd say not this time but lets see how things progress. That way it looks like you mat meet him half way in the future if he behaves himself and proves you can trust him. I'd also point out that he's a young man now and not a boy and that changes the rules.

Hope you can get it sorted, just try to stay level-headed.

6/30/097:20 AM

SunnieMember

Thank You all. Have read through and all makes sense.

I've stopped texting with him now, am at work, getting upset, on here, it's not good.

Will ask him about her parents when I get home and hope they say no. My daughter didn't stop out at a boy's house til she was 19!

This has come out of nowhere and don't want to make a rod for my own back by being too harsh or too soft.

Cheers guys

6/30/097:23 AM

peggytysonMember

Good luck, i'm sure you'll work it all out, peg x

6/30/097:25 AM

Former Member

quote:
Originally posted by Sunnie:
Thank You all. Have read through and all makes sense.

I've stopped texting with him now, am at work, getting upset, on here, it's not good.

Will ask him about her parents when I get home and hope they say no. My daughter didn't stop out at a boy's house til she was 19!

This has come out of nowhere and don't want to make a rod for my own back by being too harsh or too soft.

Cheers guys

Her parents may not let her anyway, so that will get you out of an arguement with him, just blame them ! Good luck x

6/30/097:26 AM

cologne 1Member Memoriam

I also think you need to stick to your guns, especially as you've said 'no' already and backpaddling now would leave you wide open for further heated discussions in the future. He won't see it that way, but he is still very young, although he probably thinks that he has grown up rapidely since meeting this girl. I would welcome her for tea one evening and take it from there, as should her parents in return.

6/30/097:27 AM

loislaneMember

Best thing to do. Have a proper chat he probably will get very upset though when he doesn't get his own way but no matter what don't allow anything that you're not comfortable with.

I didn't stayover at a boyfriends house until I was 19 either & even then my mother worried about an example I was setting so go with your instinct.

A contraception chat wouldn't go astray either.

Good luck.

6/30/097:28 AM

serignhugrfMember

*Hugs* for you Sunnie, it's not easy but ultimately you have to remember that having sex under 16 is illegal and you cannot condone that in your house. You do not have to give anymore explanation than that.

6/30/097:28 AM

Towno :)Member

Personally me, I wouldn't let it happen. I swear to God.

6/30/097:33 AM

SunnieMember

Thanks again guys.

Just to say we have had "those" chats, he knows what is right and wrong and said earlier "We arnt gonna do anything, just cuddle." Well, I think that's what he meant, it was in text speak.

I trust him to some extent the thing that has worried me is his refusal to accept my reasons for saying no, his response he will go to hers if I don't do as he wants and his general attitude. Also, and please don't think I'm being snobby but what sort of girl and family they are if she is allowed to stay and he's allowed there.

6/30/097:35 AM

Towno :)Member

quote:
Originally posted by Sunnie:
Thanks again guys.

Just to say we have had "those" chats, he knows what is right and wrong and said earlier "We arnt gonna do anything, just cuddle." Well, I think that's what he meant, it was in text speak.
I trust him to some extent the thing that has worried me is his refusal to accept my reasons for saying no, his response he will go to hers if I don't do as he wants and his general attitude. Also, and please don't think I'm being snobby but what sort of girl and family they are if she is allowed to stay and he's allowed there.

Exactly right. I'm ten years away from this chat with my son but there's no way I'd let it happen under my roof. I think it's our job as parents to instill some moral code in our children. For me that includes NOT sleeping around, or having boyfriends/girlfriends in their beds in MY house. My dad never let me take any boys into my bedroom let alone a sleep over.

6/30/097:39 AM

Former Member

reading back i didnt realise you didnt know the girl, thats different i wouldnt let her stay over until she had been in the house a few times, for tea etc

6/30/097:40 AM

longcatMember

quote:
Originally posted by Sunnie:
Thanks again guys.

Just to say we have had "those" chats, he knows what is right and wrong and said earlier "We arnt gonna do anything, just cuddle." Well, I think that's what he meant, it was in text speak.
I trust him to some extent the thing that has worried me is his refusal to accept my reasons for saying no, his response he will go to hers if I don't do as he wants and his general attitude. Also, and please don't think I'm being snobby but what sort of girl and family they are if she is allowed to stay and he's allowed there.

She either has very liberal parents or she is older than your son so they can't stop her. But you need to stick to your rules its your house and he is your son.

6/30/097:40 AM

serignhugrfMember

quote:
Originally posted by Sunnie:
"We arnt gonna do anything, just cuddle."

I'm pretty sure I used that line on my mum. To this day, she still thinks my husband is the only guy I've slept with.

6/30/097:41 AM

longcatMember

quote:
Originally posted by Tartanveggie:
quote:
Originally posted by Sunnie:
"We arnt gonna do anything, just cuddle."

I'm pretty sure I used that line on my mum. To this day, she still thinks my husband is the only guy I've slept with.

My cuddling got me a baby

6/30/097:43 AM

loislaneMember

quote:
Originally posted by Tartanveggie:
quote:
Originally posted by Sunnie:
"We arnt gonna do anything, just cuddle."

I'm pretty sure I used that line on my mum. To this day, she still thinks my husband is the only guy I've slept with.

I used that one too don't fall for it. I also remember the hormones from all the passionate kissing & groping & dying to get into a bed to do it properly.

I'd have a problem with her parents if she was allowed over to yours or vice versa after not even a week of dating & no introductions.

6/30/097:44 AM

SunnieMember

quote:
Originally posted by Towno :
quote:
Originally posted by Sunnie:
Thanks again guys.

Just to say we have had "those" chats, he knows what is right and wrong and said earlier "We arnt gonna do anything, just cuddle." Well, I think that's what he meant, it was in text speak.
I trust him to some extent the thing that has worried me is his refusal to accept my reasons for saying no, his response he will go to hers if I don't do as he wants and his general attitude. Also, and please don't think I'm being snobby but what sort of girl and family they are if she is allowed to stay and he's allowed there.

Exactly right. I'm ten years away from this chat with my son but there's no way I'd let it happen under my roof. I think it's our job as parents to instill some moral code in our children. For me that includes NOT sleeping around, or having boyfriends/girlfriends in their beds in MY house. My dad never let me take any boys into my bedroom let alone a sleep over.

Agreed. I don't think my mum likes me in the same bed as my husband now lol.
However, you are completely right and I do always try and have succeeded up to now, this has put a right fly in my ointment.

6/30/097:46 AM

SunnieMember

@ Skylark. Apparently, I knew her from his middle school, I would recognise her but I don't. She looks like something out of Atomic Kitten not Annie to me.

@ Longcat. They are the same age.

@ TartanVeggie. LOL!

@ LoisLane

quote:
I'd have a problem with her parents if she was allowed over to yours or vice versa after not even a week of dating & no introductions.

Zactly.

6/30/097:51 AM

Towno :)Member

quote:
Originally posted by Sunnie:

Agreed. I don't think my mum likes me in the same bed as my husband now lol.
However, you are completely right and I do always try and have succeeded up to now, this has put a right fly in my ointment.

You sound lovely - I'm sure you and your son will come to some mutual understanding (where he agrees to back down and do what he's told lol).

Maybe he's just trying to test you and see what he can get away with. The problem with the young uns these days is that they are too keen to be on a fast forward into naughties imho.

What a worry!

How would he feel if your husband had a chat with him? Is he feeling you out cos you're the softer option so he wants to get you on side?

I'm off home soon, but good luck with this one x

6/30/097:51 AM

Former Member

I was telling my husband last night that teenagers should be locked in their rooms and never let out until they are 21. It should be the law.

6/30/097:54 AM

Former Member

quote:
Originally posted by Suzi-Q:
I was telling my husband last night that teenagers should be locked in their rooms and never let out until they are 21. It should be the law.

i agree

6/30/097:55 AM

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