Well I'm off now

I'm off too, there is so much to think about and I need a clear head for that.

 

Nighty night darlings 

Is that so izzy?
Surely drinking cocktails on an empty stomach, rather than a full one would be worse..?

I think you killed the captain, but may not even remember doing it! Did you wake up with a gun in your possession?

 

 

*takes notes of the ramblings of these idiots playing detectives for my funny quote of the week column*  

Polar bears been back folks. Think it had a gun in its paw

*wonder when we will find out who has committed this heinous crime?*

*notices a sign on the bar door*

 

Closed'ish until Dec 27th

 

 

 

 

never if we are waiting for that lazy, inept DI I'll have this cracked by the weekend

*takes all notes, secret recordings   large bottle of aspirin and essential supplies into lifeboat for some peace and quiet

I WILL solve this murder by the end of the week, lies down first that was a long shouty sentence

Drinks a mulled Crabbies wine. Lines up suspects

Staggers into bar grabs bottle of Crabbies and staggers out dropping  Observation notes

*emerges from lifeboat to make announcement "8 suspects and 8 motives but I think I have narrowed it down to 1 murderer

*takes aspirin and goes for lie down because the sun is too bright

*takes opportunity whilst officer is 'resting' to nab the notes and see if they throw any light on the matter*

 

Bartender, darling, I think I'll need a lot of cocktails to see me through this lot. Just fill a bucket with your most potent brew, stick a straw in it and I'll get on, darling.

[IMG]http://i1105.photobucket.com/a...ield/thdrink60wi.gif[/IMG

* sits over a large glass of red and ponders over the evidence*

*sits over empty large glass of margarita, forgets about evidence and stares at Xmas tree*

Good evening Fellow passengers. Sips from Superb Crabbies cocktail the Tricky Ricky

 

I am not a dick and would never pretend to be one. I leave it up to others to be dicks. However I have used my keen observational powers and astute abilities to discover the perpetrator of the dastardly killing of Capt. Slost.

Assuming no collusion it was easy to exclude all but three of you immediately. Those excluded had other passengers to corroborate their locations at the time of the killing. I am left with Haggy, Willet & Emily

Haggs dreamt up the idea for the killing and was alone in her cabin. Emily is a total loony and was in the Captains cabin still under the illusion that she had some chance of attracting him. Willet was probably the most threatened and was, according to him, supposed to be on the Bridge. Unfortunately I cannot find a member of the crew who will confirm this as they run away when I walk towards them. BUT. If he was on the bridge he would have known where the captain was at the precise time he left to go for a meal stopping for a smoke. There was no mention made by the Petty Officer of him being on the bridge when the the Capt. left.

It is my opinion that Willet arrived on the ship late, found the gun by chance. He was the type of person who cared not of the death of others and was desperate to have a successful invention. Without much thought he decided to eliminate the obstacle in his way to fame and fortune and waited close to the bridge until the Capt appeared, he then moved to an opportune position to do the deed not realising that the petty officer was also close by. The Captain thought you were returning the Doctors missing gun but got the bullet instead. Willet you killed Captain Slost.

Haggies idea was just a coincidence.

Hides behind bar with cocktail... 

Emily is a total loony and was in the Captains cabin still under the illusion that she had some chance of attracting him.

 

 

interesting Mr Hatpin... I have been going over the alibi's myself and I think I have finally reached my conclusion, I shall ponder over it tonight

*knocks back cocktail, rises, rather unsteadily, to feet and prepares to make a total tit out of herself accusation*

 

Well, darlings, hasn't this just been an absolute joy of a maiden voyage? One that was, sadly, to be poor Captain Slost's last .

 

To be honest, darlings, any of you could have done it and narrowing it down has been jolly hard. I have checked the alibis and, as Mr Hatpin said, only some people have no real alibi that is backed up by another. Mr Fly, Ms Twisty, Ms Airhead and Mr Hatpin himself. Now, darlings, the Herr Doktor also told us that the people he knew for sure who had been to his cabin were Miss Shaker, the Princey Poos and Ms Twisty. Compare the two lists, darlings and you will see that the name appearing on both is that of Hagatha Twisty. Ms Twisty claims she was in her cabin seeking inspiration for her heroine yet she was seen writing in the study. I suspect that she was indeed seeking inspiration, not by writing or thinking, but by acting it all out in real life. The sprained wrist she claims to have got playing deck tennis was, I think, caused by the recoil of the gun on her old and knackered bones, darlings. She needed to write a humdinger of a book because her publishers were fretting over the recent bad reviews, they may even have threatened to drop her and she knew that there was no way she could get away with recycling an old plot again. She probably thought that her status as a crime writer meant that she had the knowledge to create the 'perfect murder', to get away with it, how very wrong she was darlings. She, Hagatha Twisty killed the Captain and hoped to revive her career by doing so. 

 

I bet she is wishing that she had stuck to recycling plots now, eh darlings?

 

*knocks back another cocktail and sits back down*

 Izzy dear a masterful collection of observation. You have highlighted the issue of the sprained wrist which I must admit had me leaning in Haggies direction as well. I was just not convinced the motive was quite enough. We will have to leave it up to he experts to sort out I suppose...... Grabs another Crabbies.

 

Thank you darling! I think the murdering mare has a brogues fetish and needs the income to satisfy her needs 

 

Yours is good too and I have to admit, he is also on my list of top suspects, only he admitted to being on deck when the Captain was killed and I am sure the killer would lie about their whereabouts at this particular time. I have one other prime suspect and I am seriously beginning to wonder if I picked the right one!!!

Having spent most of my time hiding deliberating I can now reveal the murderer........

 

Herr Doc and Izzy were in the bar together, Prince and Fanny also alibi each other which leaves Farley, Hagatha, Willet and Emily. Herr Doc is easily distracted (and may not be sure who entered cabin?) Emily tripped over a brogue when making her way from the deck so either Hagatha is the murderer (left shoe when running away) or Emily tripping after killing the captain. Unrequited love is a dangerous thing (all the other suspects can recover from their "dealings" with the captain) Emily cannot and is therefore the murderer

 

*of course I could be wrong and it is Hagatha

 

**goes to lie down, terrible headache

 

Oh, well done darling! No offence, but I rather hope you are wrong! 

Evening people of the SS Titanium, I think i have worked out who killed the captain!!

I had 2 in my mind, Emily and Hagatha as even though Willit's alibi is flaky he was not on board at the time the captain died.....

I've decided it's not Emily as she is too honest (her explaination of where she was when that scoundrel Slost died was too ikky  to be a lie) plus she loved the captain too much to kill him and even if she tried to shoot him she would have probably have missed!

Hagatha on the other hand i see as a cunning individual with a devious mind..... who was despratly trying to save her dying career. Her explaination of where she was is 'alone'. I think she did kill the Captain to further research her next plot line and make it the next best seller buy adding a touch of real life.... she thought she was clever enough to not be found out....

 

Well i can see through you Miss Tweedy and I am naming YOU as the murderer!!

Miss Tweedy? I didn't know Cheryl was on the boat.  She has form with the violence thing though.....so you could be right  

 

And Farley!  How could you even think such a ridiculous thing!  Us lads need to stick together mate  We're surrounded by unstable women. We may need to defend ourselves if we're to make it back to port in one piece.  

 

I'm going back to my cabin to pull a name out of a hat consider all the evidence carefully. 

twas those tweed suits that done it lol

 

as for unstable women? I am very stable... maybe not in purse but in mind and soul stable is my middle name well ...... my real middle name is stiff but I always hated that middle name

 

:edited out the drunkenness:

Sorry Willet old chap but there is something about your late arrival that does not add up to me. TBH it's the Crabbies I can't add anything up now. My doctor advised me to stop drinking it as it is rotting my brain. He said I might end up shooting myself in the foot. Could he be right?

*stumbles into the bar to leave my conclusion on how to solve a Murder for Dummies, then thinks about throwing a decent large glass of red over that idiotic Detective*

 

It is glaringly obvious that certain people on this liner were ruled out of the heinous crime due to having a jolly good alibi.

I would have loved to point the finger of guilt at more than one suspect, Mrs Gonyett was the first candidate, greedy, egotistical and cruel woman, who would do just about anything for money. Alas, she had a solid alibi and would she cut off any hand that fed her, I doubt it.

Prince Ton-Akadamee, simply because her reminds me of a camels toe, the man is repulsive and a cheat

I ruled Fanny Shaker out, she would have had to smuggle the gun out of Herr Doctor's cabin..I reckon anything that was shoved under her skirt would have dropped out quicker than it went up.

The Director was completely and utterly incompetent, can't act, sing, dance or direct himself out of the bar, let alone orchestrate a murder.

I never had the Herr Doctor in the frame from the get go, the bumbling fool owned up to having found the gun and then lost it again, he would have at least had the intelligence to have thought of some excuse as to where the gun had disappeared

 

Only three people had no alibi for the time of the murder, I am of course completely innocent

 

That leaves Mr Fry and Hag

 

The only crime that Mr Fry committed was taking the the second mates hat off landing that stupid contraption on the deck. he neither had the time due  to making his stupid inventions the means or will to do it.

 

That leaves dear old washed up Hag Her books were not selling, her story lines had dried up just like Miss Twisty herself. She wanted to commit the perfect crime, her books sales would have rocketed. The press coverage, the amount of interest of any book made off the back of this crime would have made her famous once again...You Miss Twisty are the murderer.

 

Ta Da...now I am off to lunch

*Strolls into cocktail bar, removes top hat and white gloves and checks them with cloakroom assistant*

 

Good evening fellow travelers 

*Orders cocktail, drains and turns to address room*

 

Izzy, darling. I came on this cruise with two motives: to invest my money in the captains movie project and to find a bride. Unfortunately the Captain was a bounder and the project was a scam but when I first laid eyes on you my heart soared; a vision in peach. But sadly you are wed to another and I am skint! Could we ever have a future? A murderer? No I think not.

Willy! You said that you weren't even on board when the Captain ..erm.. 'bought it', but the "flying duck theory" simply doesn't make any sense and you later stated that you were in fact on the bridge (very shady) but your motive was very weak; I don't think you killed the Captain.

Fanny, You were pestering me all day and I don't recall you slipping off.

Dear sweet Emily; mental and blind I don't think you could hit a bulls arse with a banjo let alone shoot a man in the dark. Imho you didn't shoot the Captain.

Herr Doktor: Dodgy German accent indeed but you were in the same room as Izzy so you couldn't have done the deed.

Hagatha: No alibi but you are very, very old *pats Hag on the head* I don't think you did it.

Farley: Practicing funny walk? :Lolsdramatically:

Very little talent and your prospects look poor. The Captain was you last chance at the mediocre big time and the slight of being replaced by imo a superior director was too much to take.

FARLEY HATPIN, YOU ARE THE MURDERER!!!!

 

*Puts names back in hat and tosses them overboard*

 

 

I believe that Ms Haggard Tweety did it ja!  She has no alibi – in her kabine writing ja and ze schwein goes flying by   Her story is too true to life – vos iz dat saying ‘art imitating life’ well I zink ze Tweety bird did more zan imitate it – she constructed ze story and to make it more lifelike she did ze crime and will no doubt make oodles of money from ze best seller she ‘opes to haf as a convicted murderer. 

 

Zat is one cruel way to revive a career (if indeed it could be said she ever had one in ze first place) ja!!! 

 

Haggard Tweety you did ze murder ja!!!!!!!!! 

"FARLEY HATPIN, YOU ARE THE MURDERER!!!! "

 

Drops Crabbies... Was that in the script???

 

Goes to lie down..

I came by the bar to reveal the identity of the murderer- I'm appalled to discover that some of you think I did it! Watch and learn silly people, watch and learn...

(Feel free to turn this post in to a beautiful colour if you please )

So it seems it can be narrowed down to a few suspects because of their lack of an alibi.

Firstly, I'd like to eliminate myself, for the following reasons;
1. I didn't do it.
2. The motive in my case is weak. Research for a novel is not a strong enough reason to commit murder.
3. Committing a murder wouldn't help me write a better novel- I wouldn't be able to write a novel if I was incarcerated!!!!!!

Next, I'd like to eliminate Miss Airhead.
Yes, she has no alibi and her motive is definitely reason enough to commit murder. But, I think she's the obvious red herring among the suspects.

Then, I had thought about someone who's been sneaking around quietly, ear wigging and spying... Someone who has no alibi either-
DI S Array himself!
Could he possibly not be who he says he is...? He's the least likely suspect, which makes him a very strong possibility indeed!
But no, I've decided not to choose him, for fear of making a complete idiot of myself during my first MM!

Therefore I conclude that the killer is...
MR WILLET FLY!
He was alone, on the bridge at the time of the murder.
He admitted that some of his inventions have maimed people, and he seemed to enjoy that a little too much.
Being a wannabe inventor of flying contraptions, I think he was naturally attracted to the beautiful and adventurous pilot, miss airhead. But she was in love with the captain- killing him would be getting rid of his main competitor for her heart!
Then there's the plans for the captains luxury flying cruise liner- he wanted to take credit for those plans, and become the worlds most famous & richest inventor that ever existed! Thus, increasing his chances with miss airhead too.

(And my final reason- I just like to blame that Ducky, I think it's fantastic that she did actually do it this time )

*lies down immediately forgetting to take aspirin

I think it was the Butler wot dun it

Right, I have deliberated carefully  , ignored my first 7 sensible and well thought out deductions, and finally plumped for the one person who, for no reason that makes any sense whatsoever, must have dun it. 

 

The murdererererer is YOU.... Dr Heimlich Manoeuvre!! 

 

You were the one who brought the gun on to the ship and as the great Mr Occam once said..... the simplest theory is the best one to go with till you know better (and it's doubtful I'm ever gonna know better no matter how much time I waste on this thing  . The gun was quite simply used by it's owner.  

 

You're a clever man though, it has to be said. You've gone to some length to put us all off the scent. Pointing out to us all the poor misguided souls who came to you for so called medical advice..... making sure they visited you in your cabin so you could claim others had access to the murder weapon.

 

And then there is your "alibi". Ha! Except as a medical "expert" you have access and knowledge of all sorts of dodgy substances, things that you could slip into a cocktail or two and leave the recipient unable to remember the time you slipped out of the bar and headed to the bridge to murder the Captain. You made poor Izzy dizzy ....and hence an unreliable witness  

 

You claim you wanted just to frighten the Captain, and maybe you really believed that yourself before you saw him smoking his pipe and looking smug and content, but I'm guessing when it came to it your ego just couldn't handle leaving him alive and able to still appreciate the day he got one over on the great Dr H........child prodigy, egomaniac, and soon to be convicted murderer.  

 

 

Phew....can I have a Crabbies now please? 

 

 

That actually makes a fair bit of sense. 

 

Except you forgot one thing Miss Twisty Knickers..... I is innocent. 

I must confess, I didn't understand much of what the doctor was saying, the accent threw me.

He could indeed be the killer!
But I'm still blaming Willet

And thank you to the helpful person who changed the colour of my accusation