In this family honey, the men are softer than the women

Reads script..................

Nope

I zoz holding zis blddy cap Sam - I gave it zu afterzards and a zlas oz ze zater

You said it try an exfoliator 

yez and zo am zi  - my zamily survived siberia

see, your not even scared of snaffling

moo lez ze snazzles alone

Grabs another handful

Forgets murder.....this man needs arresting for indecent assault. 

Beat me to it

oh you're here honey bunch, I was hoping you hadn't got lost in a cupboard or something

Right you bunch of raving loons, I reckon it's about time this case was solved, don't you? So if you will gather round, I'll get it sooooo wrong tell you who I think did it.

I hope you are all sitting comfortably, what follows is complete and utter bollocks going to change lives probably mine as I get run outta town again.

Now, any of you lot could have done it and that has hampered the old investigation somewhat. However, I am only allowed to accuse one of you and so I have narrowed it down to probably the wrong one. And that one is YOU, BELLA BURLESQUE.

Out of everyone, you got to be near him when he was at his most vulnerable...togged up like a ladyeeeee and ready for action. And that garter of yours that you are so fond of isn’t a lacy one, it’s a leather one that holds a gun. The gun you shot Spudsy with. The reason he was trouserless is because he had been wearing some of your undies for your encounter and you needed them away from the scene.

You claimed you wanted fame and fortune and  that he could get you that. Well, your Daddy is an oil magnate and I’m sure he would have funded your quest just as he funded your little degree at Oxford. Performing arts? Just what you need to study so you can make someone believe you are who you say you are. You wanted revenge for your horsey and for the threat to your Daddy.

So there.

Shame it was not Mo with the snaffles . I could have been a Mo lester

I'm too damned good honey

are you arresting Bella, Vi? Just knew there was something about that Ruskie

Nice Vi so The most obvious one did it 

Can I go home now??

I am. But there are no guarantees that the Chief will back me up

Oh shut it, just cos I didn't get jiggy with ya, ya gettin all mouthy at me

Well now ye've all stopped acting the maggot.  I'll tell ye who did it.  t'was that squinty bog eyed eejit Tony   he hated that Spuddles had had the affair with Candy.  No daycent man would put up with that.  Pretending he couldn't shoot straight - he shot that potato in with his modified Oozy 38 caliber spud gun so he did and by Jaysus you'll pay for ruining my plans

Gawd Mo.... yous so DUMB! 

This is a difficult one…everyones has the motive and the means. But which one of ya, did the dastardly deed eh?

Sam…

He definitely hads the motive….. gawd if Spudsy had stolen my only way of getting rich and getting out the damn kitchen, I’ds be feeling murderous too. But then why leave behinds the spud with your verys own knife stuck in it? That woulds be a bit stupid if yous were trying to cover your tracks now wouldn’t it? Nah, if he’d done him in, he woulds have just used the damn knife.  

Bella….

I reckons this dame is seriously dodgy I don’ts believe any animal loving Slovakian princess woulds be so willing to forgive and forgets over her poor slaughtered pony. Turnings a blind eye to some hairy geezer stretching her delicate garters? Nah, she was ups to something.   And there’s no way Spudsy “adorezzz” her! He was stuck on my Candy! I don’t reckons she killed him though…. My money would be on hers getting close enough to find outs his dodgy dealings … and shop him to the police. She’s just the type

Billy...

Pfft… he wasn’t man enough to kill Spudsy He still sleeps with Teddy bears! And an alive Spudsy is worth waaay more rhinos and monkeys to him thens a dead Spudsy.  Killing him woulds have meant him taking over the mob, but that means doing some work, and Bing is just a lazy bartender looking for a free ride.

Mo...

Now Mo…. she’s one suspicious bog monster   She admitted she came heres to kill Spuds, but did she do it? She’s certainly cold hearted enough to!    She must have hated Spudsy for earning so much money, but nots giving her a penny to help out withs her 15 kids and the necessary surgery to repairs her pelvic floor muscles. But why woulds he have his trousers down withs his sister in the room?  Eww… I do hope it weren’ts her!

So that leaves either me or Candy.  And as it wasn’t me…….

Oh CANDY! I forgives ya. I know you were only doing it for me babes  It was only a matter of time befores I whacked off the wrongs bloke again, and then I’d be done for. This way, you saved me skin, gots rid of the man who had been taken advantage of ya (god it must have beens awful having him whipping his trousers off everytimes you walked ins the door), and left an opening for a new mob boss. And I think you’d be perfect for it me loves. Yous tough, but fair, and plus you can see past the first line on the O’Specsavers eye exam chart….which is always a plus in a lass.  Yous also very clever. Leaving the spud and the knife there to try and frame Sam. That way you kills two birds with one stone. Spudsy dead, and Sam in prison, leaves you to be the boss of a very lucrative spud based beverage business. That’s me girl

VI….. DON’T EVEN THINKS YOUS GONNA ARREST ME WIFE!   I WOULD SHOOTs YA BEFORES I LET THAT HAPPEN!

*aims wildly into the crowd* 

I knows who did it

*saunters in flapping eyelashes and adjust cleavage*

I ain't gonna go through the evidence, cos I cant make head nor tail of it Nor any of the clues, that we have had or may not have. 

This is my gut instinct!

It ain't my Tony, what a guy, he's a pussycat and wouldn't kill his best friend. even when he found out about me and Spudsy, he made me a hot dog and fries when I came home 

It ain't that Billy either, I knew he was dodgy from day one, I just didn't realise he was stoopid with it, he's just weirdo, that pervs over teddy bears 

I was toying with the idea of it being Sam, he had every reason, Spudsy swiped his invention,,,but the dumb ass was more into waffling than his waffles. So I ruled out the second rate pancake.

Soooooooooooo it's got to be either Bella with her Z'ssssssssss ot slack ar$e Mo, with her dropped womb.

Bella, had the means, she had the last date, and she had every reason to hold the biggest grudge against old Spuds...yet she still slept with him...*wiz her legz round her headz* So I don't think she did it.

I accuse Mo, Spudsy denied her, he had money, she had little, she had to support the Irish Olympic team her mother, husband and children. She knew most of his wealth and business would come to her, she was prone to violence and made no bones about it...she also couldn't afford the corrective surgery nip and massive tuck on her nether regions. 

you did it Mo 

Tony

Mo was me second choice if that helps?  

At the risk of us all ploughing in with our opinions. Here I go folks.

A lot of time was spent by a lot of you thinking I was the Spudlicious drink inventor - Wrong. Then you all thought I was savvy to some info about his gender bending - wrong. Then you all thought I was trying to take over the business - Wrong - 

Lets look at the scene - a man shot - A gangster with his guard - hell is pants down!

Not easy to achieve so ya think it has to be Bella  - Wrong.

So maybe his Sis - some to exact some revenge & take over - Too obvious.

His hit man was about the weakest gun in the city - he knew that  and would get no gain from killing his meal ticket.

I could go on but Ya's have probably stopped reading by now so I will come to the point.

Sam - The man who had the brains - the man who had the anger after losing the drink that was his lifes work. He who Spudsy trusted to feed him shot him pulled the pants off, stuck the spud there with the knife as he knew people would think he would not incriminate himself. Sam is the man I would never hire - A cold blooded killer - Book him Danno Vi

if I goes to the death chamber, because you've put that into Vi's head, I'm cooked

I only said it cos I knows yous clever enough to have an escape plan! You do has an escape plan don'ts ya?  

I may not need one

Don't mind me I'm phoning the Harley Street Medical centre for a nip and tuck

Murder mystery – The murderer!!!!!

After much deliberation – I accuse you Candy Capstick

The first clue is the lack of trousers on Spudsy – a s Billy pointed out – Murderer is female and so initially Billy was my suspect as  I felt he was reflecting the blame away from himself but then I realised that Candy knew Spudsy’s foibles as well as myself and knew he liked a spot of cross dressing and would have a gun in his garter.

He was meeting me after the show but Candy obviously couldn’t resist a spot of the Spudsy charm and also she had motives of her own that night.

She is a bit of a tart as well but on that night she was looking to ,protect the reputation and post as right hand man to spudsy ,of that short sighted oaf Tony. . She thought by giving her charms to Sudsy that oaf was safe. On top of everything else Billy made them both angry and apprehensive that he was poising himself into a strong position within the mob and Tony was making a lot of mistakes nothing an eye op couldn’t put right but that is beside the point. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The were both nervous about Billy and his ability to usurp Tony and Candy fast saw her fantastic lifestyle and constant trips to the hairdresser / beauty Salon etc – fast disappearing – she had to act!

There was also the spectre of Tony’s possible double dealing with Tony Costello and Luciana  Munchinio  which Spudsy suspected and which I suspect Candy knew about which served to  fuel the fear that her fantastic lifestyle was about to disappear before her eyes – her jealousy of myself and Mo/Moo outlines how her lack of self esteem /huge ego – (you choose which!) fuelled her further to take the action she did.

Candy was also afraid the new potato wine would be a huge success and his new henchmen would be Billy then Sam even though Sam did have to pay a levy to Spudsy – it still made him important and valuable– so no place for Tony – one a second in command and the other as head chef - indispensable because of his talents.

With warped morals she began to pursue her revenge for Tony and secure her own financial future!!!!

She blatantly seduced Spudsy – he was about to cross dress for me so his trousers were off – his gun in his garter – she didn’t get the promises from spudsy that Tony’s position was safe and in fact  probabaly cast doubts about his future position .In her frustration of a disappearing lifestyle Candy shot him . She gambolled on Tony probably winning the respect of others before the new man Billy and would then be in a position to take over the Mob – job done!

Spudsy had the potato and knife in the room because he was going to show me his special way of peeling a potato so maximum juices came out of it – so Candy used this to pass the blame to Sam!! – eebil woman.

Through Greed opportunity and false loyalty to that oaf Tony and her own sefish ambitions of Grandeur

CANDY CAPSTICK  - YOU MURDERED SPUDSY!!!

I think two people were involved here

While Toni was in the kitchen gnawing on my meatballs he heard a banging in Spudsy's office so he grabbed my knife and went to find out what was occurring.

There her found Candy being banged by Spudsy so, he stabbed the spud and then shot the Spudsy

Candy has been covering for him since

pleased you managed to spell it right

not zliiiiinnnnnnkkkky enough?

Possibly

I is being framed and that Bella's a fraud, no accent

i can speak oxford English but zat zizz no zun