Moving on after domestic violence..

Topics

Licky

How do you do it and keep everyone happy?

After a long and complicated split with my husband, it's culminated in me being on the receiving end of an assault (not the first by any means) but definately the last, the police are informed and he has been charged on seven counts.

How do I sort my kids? I still want them to have a relationship with their father ( unbelievably he loves them dearly) but moreover how do we get to the communication stage?

I have called the police this morning and found out that his bail is unconditional, so he could have got in touch but hasnt (tho I feel this is more to do with his brother getting involved) so I spoke to his Mum, who is a nice lady and very understanding and non biased, to pass on a message that I'll never try to ruin what relationship he does have left with them at present, and let him know its ok to talk if he wants to..

I find myself worrying about him? Am I mad? I dont want to be with him or anything like that, but I cant get passed feeling guilty, upset, hurt, allsorts of crazy stuff that I dont understand.

Is this normal, will it pass, or have I gone completely off my rocker?

I realise this isnt exactly a discreet place, but no one knows me and I'd like to know if what I'm feeling is normal, I just want to move on with my life and it's taken over my brain.

Replies sorted oldest to newest

cologne 1Member Memoriam

All your feelings are completely normal. You will have to give yourself some time to digest it all. In the meantime, maybe your children could see their dad at his mother's house.

8/23/095:23 AM

tuppsMember

Your details would have been given to Victim Support. Them and Womens' Aid would be the best placed people to discuss this with.

8/23/095:24 AM

MathematicsMember

As somebody who has experienced a very similar situation at a much younger age (as the child), I may be able to offer some advice.

First it is important to know, how old are your children?

8/23/095:26 AM

PussMember

Really sorry to hear this hun, luckily i've never been in that situation so can't give you any advice, but saying that, my first kneejerk reaction would be to cut all ties. Sorry

8/23/095:26 AM

LickyMember

Victim Support just called earlier, they were more interested in if I'd heard or had any more hassle from him.

Plus typing it off my chest is helping

8/23/095:26 AM

123456Member

I would tell him to see a solicitor if he wants to stay in contact with the children ?

Did the children witness the assault ?

Can you be sure it won't happen again to you or the children ?

Does he care one way or the other ?

8/23/095:27 AM

tuppsMember

quote:
Originally posted by daydreamy:
Victim Support just called earlier, they were more interested in if I'd heard or had any more hassle from him.

Plus typing it off my chest is helping

I'm guessing they haven't given you the number for Womens' Aid then. If you google you can get the contact details.. they can refer you to counsellors/support groups.. and put you in touch with people who have been in the same/similar situation.

Good luck.

8/23/095:30 AM

LickyMember

My children are 8 and 13 and the 13 year old witnessed it all.

To be perfectly honest I just want to hear I'm not daft for feeling the guilt etc because I dont understand it, maybe I'll get back in touch with VS.

8/23/095:31 AM

123456Member

Tell us why you feel guilty.

8/23/095:32 AM

pepsiMember

HOw old are your children?

I lived for 20 years in a violent marriage...and stayed purely for the sake of the kids, who I tried to hide it from. I DID manage to hide the worst bits from them, but as they grew older they began to suss out his bad traits for themselves. By the time I left they were old enough to decide whether they wanted to keep a relationship with him or not. I still speak to him on the phone and try to keep things "nicey nicey" because he still owes me half of the house ...and I want my money lol

8/23/095:33 AM

pepsiMember

quote:
Originally posted by daydreamy:
My children are 8 and 13 and the 13 year old witnessed it all.

To be perfectly honest I just want to hear I'm not daft for feeling the guilt etc because I dont understand it, maybe I'll get back in touch with VS.

Oh I used to feel guilty...and he was extremely good at making me feel 10 times more guilty. But I used to stop...think of some of the vile and nasty things he had done to me and still expected me to forgive him for and the guilt soon went

8/23/095:36 AM

LickyMember

quote:
Originally posted by 12345:
Tell us why you feel guilty.

He's in so much trouble with the police and I just feel I should have just not told anyone and kept my head down and got on with it like before. I know that's stupid just reading it, I just feel weird, hopefully it'll pass!

8/23/095:36 AM

slimfernMember VIP

Very unpleasant..
We are creatures of habit and it is hard to adapt to change sometimes no matter if good or bad..It is quite natural to feel these mixture of emotions that you are feeling..If in yourself you know you have done the right thing..which from what you have said I believe you have done the right thing..then take it one day at a time and stay strong..
Sometimes it is easier to talk to a person without a face..so coming on here is a good thing and I hope you get the support you want..

8/23/095:38 AM

pepsiMember

quote:
Originally posted by daydreamy:
quote:
Originally posted by 12345:
Tell us why you feel guilty.

He's in so much trouble with the police and I just feel I should have just not told anyone and kept my head down and got on with it like before. I know that's stupid just reading it, I just feel weird, hopefully it'll pass!

it WILL pass.... is it not about time he realises that his behaviour is unacceptable? Having said that I don't think my ex will ever accept that...he still thinks he did what he did to me because I deserved it

8/23/095:38 AM

123456Member

Do you feel guilty becaue it's your kids father.

You have to remember that it was not you that assaulted him, it was him that assaulted you. You have nothing to feel guilty about, have another look at the bruises and tell me why you should feel guilty.

8/23/095:39 AM

PussMember

quote:
Originally posted by daydreamy:
My children are 8 and 13 and the 13 year old witnessed it all.

To be perfectly honest I just want to hear I'm not daft for feeling the guilt etc because I dont understand it, maybe I'll get back in touch with VS.

From what little i've known about domestic violence and the mental abuse you must have endured too, I would think it's perfectly natural for you to feel like this, as it has been going on for some time. The tormentor generally succeeds in making you believe that it's you that is in the wrong. Don't blame yourself please, you did the right thing for yourself and especially your children. I hope VS can offer you some kind of counselling

8/23/095:39 AM

Karma_Member

Have been through it myself and your feelings are perfectly normal. Just because something like this happens doesn't mean you go into robot mode and completely hate the person or stop having any feelings. I know it may sound mad, but only those who have been down this road can understand.

I went through a stage where I still loved him but had hated the person he had become. And that's tough to deal with when there are kids involved.
It's only natural you will go through feelings like this, you will get some days where it will come back to you or you may see the kids upset and you will feel a hell of a lot of anger, there will be other times where you think back to the days when all was good and feel like your world has caved in. And you get a horrible wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach.

I'm very, very surprised this guy's bail is unconditional, but the police WILL look after you, thankfully things have changed somewhat with DV cases.

I know you want what's best for your kids but right now things are still very raw, and if he's got a pending court case he will need to stay clear, as any kind of contact could be seen as harrassment and that will only add to the charges in court.

I really do feel for you cos I know how hard it is. Just please remember this wont last forever, it CAN be sorted out and it will be, it will just take a bit of time. As you said, this is the first time you have taken this step and although you don't feel it right now, trust me you have done the right thing. The benefit it will have to your kids and to you in the long run will be worth it.

You have taken a stand and set a precedent and that's a bloody hard thing to do.

Try and stay strong, I know it's hard, and give yourself time to grieve over it. Cry all you need to, but also promise yourself that once you've had your cry, you will get back up and carry on (even with mundane things like the washing or putting the rubbish out).

This has got me in tears cos I know how shit it is and I wish there was something more me, or any of us could do.

The reality is that people can throw loads of advice at you, but only you will be able to get yourself through it, and that's more of a natural process and it WILL come.
xx

8/23/095:41 AM

BlackpudlianMember

quote:
To be perfectly honest I just want to hear I'm not daft for feeling the guilt etc because I dont understand it, maybe I'll get back in touch with VS.

You are not daft, daydreamy.
It is more than likely that you have been programmed to believe that the violence was your fault and this is probably why you feel guilty.
It wasn't your fault that your partner didn't have the self control needed to manage his temper and you should be proud of yourself for getting yourself and your children away from the violence.

8/23/095:42 AM

PussMember

quote:
Originally posted by Karma_:
Have been through it myself and your feelings are perfectly normal. Just because something like this happens doesn't mean you go into robot mode and completely hate the person or stop having any feelings. I know it may sound mad, but only those who have been down this road can understand.

I went through a stage where I still loved him but had hated the person he had become. And that's tough to deal with when there are kids involved.
It's only natural you will go through feelings like this, you will get some days where it will come back to you or you may see the kids upset and you will feel a hell of a lot of anger, there will be other times where you think back to the days when all was good and feel like your world has caved in. And you get a horrible wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach.

I'm very, very surprised this guy's bail is unconditional, but the police WILL look after you, thankfully things have changed somewhat with DV cases.

I know you want what's best for your kids but right now things are still very raw, and if he's got a pending court case he will need to stay clear, as any kind of contact could be seen as harrassment and that will only add to the charges in court.

I really do feel for you cos I know how hard it is. Just please remember this wont last forever, it CAN be sorted out and it will be, it will just take a bit of time. As you said, this is the first time you have taken this step and although you don't feel it right now, trust me you have done the right thing. The benefit it will have to your kids and to you in the long run will be worth it.

You have taken a stand and set a precedent and that's a bloody hard thing to do.

Try and stay strong, I know it's hard, and give yourself time to grieve over it. Cry all you need to, but also promise yourself that once you've had your cry, you will get back up and carry on (even with mundane things like the washing or putting the rubbish out).

This has got me in tears cos I know how shit it is and I wish there was something more me, or any of us could do.

The reality is that people can throw loads of advice at you, but only you will be able to get yourself through it, and that's more of a natural process and it WILL come.
xx

Karma

8/23/095:43 AM

Karma_Member

quote:
Originally posted by pepsi:

it WILL pass.... is it not about time he realises that his behaviour is unacceptable? Having said that I don't think my ex will ever accept that...he still thinks he did what he did to me because I deserved it

Mine feels a huge amount of guilt knowing he's probably ensured I will never have kids again but he'll never admit that. We get along ok now, it's taken 5 years to be able to have a conversation without me feeling rage but I've got there. I'll never forget though, ever.

8/23/095:43 AM

spongebob squarepantsMember

quote:
Originally posted by daydreamy:
quote:
Originally posted by 12345:
Tell us why you feel guilty.

He's in so much trouble with the police and I just feel I should have just not told anyone and kept my head down and got on with it like before. I know that's stupid just reading it, I just feel weird, hopefully it'll pass!

first of all have a

what you're feeling isn't weird.it's natural and part of the process of moving on...the feelings you're having are to do with acceptance it's now over and the 'bubble' you were living in has now been burst.

cos you've been made to feel every assault was 'your fault' those feelings aren't easy to get over even though the abuse has now stopped

they will pass but you have to take it a step at a time

you should feel very very proud that you've broken free...well done you xxxxxxxxxxxxx

wishing you lots and lots of luck

8/23/095:45 AM

pepsiMember

It takes a while to come through this daydreamy. Just take one day at a time and slowly heal and grow stronger. I remember my very first night after leaving him and the feeling of overwhelming relief when I locked my front door that night of knowing he wasn't going to be coming through it and starting on me.

I still EVERY night lock my front door and send some thanks up to the heavens that hewill never step foot through it lol.

I am now with a lovely bloke who has helped me heal .... but old habits die hard...I jump and get very nervous and sometimes am nearly in tears when he shouts at things (not me I have to add) ...and I still find myself asking if it's ok if I go out or buy anything because I was never allowed to and had to ask permission.

I would take things one day at a time, and I think contacting his mum to ask him about seeing the kids is a good move. Let things take their own path. I never made my kids take sides, and always include him in conversations with them, but without influencing them I allowed them to make their own minds up about seeing him

8/23/095:45 AM

Blizz'ardMember 10 years

The guilt is very normal, which is why so many of these people get away with it for so long.

Remind yourself that you have not only saved yourself, but you could be helping him to see what he has done. You could be saving some other women from this treatment in future.

Stay strong!

8/23/095:45 AM

SazBombMember

quote:
Originally posted by daydreamy:
My children are 8 and 13 and the 13 year old witnessed it all.

I dunno about any of the feelings you're having, as I dont have any experience of it

Someone suggested the kids seeing him at his mother's house, which seems a good idea - especially as she is being impartial

8/23/095:45 AM

LickyMember

Karma, pepsi, everyone thank you

I'm glad I'm normal

The putting the rubbish out just did me in, I didnt do mine this week I just havent been working on full power.

Cheers again people

8/23/095:45 AM

Karma_Member

quote:
Originally posted by pepsi:
It takes a while to come through this daydreamy. Just take one day at a time and slowly heal and grow stronger. I remember my very first night after leaving him and the feeling of overwhelming relief when I locked my front door that night of knowing he wasn't going to be coming through it and starting on me.

I still EVERY night lock my front door and send some thanks up to the heavens that hewill never step foot through it lol.

I am now with a lovely bloke who has helped me heal .... but old habits die hard...I jump and get very nervous and sometimes am nearly in tears when he shouts at things (not me I have to add) ...and I still find myself asking if it's ok if I go out or buy anything because I was never allowed to and had to ask permission.

Jesus were we with the same bloke?

8/23/095:47 AM

123456Member

Find a man who is man enough to see you for you.

8/23/095:47 AM

SazBombMember

quote:
Originally posted by daydreamy:
quote:
Originally posted by 12345:
Tell us why you feel guilty.

He's in so much trouble with the police and I just feel I should have just not told anyone and kept my head down and got on with it like before. I know that's stupid just reading it, I just feel weird, hopefully it'll pass!

I'm sure it will pass

Just remember its not your fault for telling the police what happened.... its his fault for doing it in the first place

8/23/095:47 AM

spongebob squarepantsMember

quote:
Originally posted by Karma_:
quote:
Originally posted by pepsi:

it WILL pass.... is it not about time he realises that his behaviour is unacceptable? Having said that I don't think my ex will ever accept that...he still thinks he did what he did to me because I deserved it

Mine feels a huge amount of guilt knowing he's probably ensured I will never have kids again but he'll never admit that. We get along ok now, it's taken 5 years to be able to have a conversation without me feeling rage but I've got there. I'll never forget though, ever.

jesus karma.....

xxx

8/23/095:48 AM

Former Member

quote:
Originally posted by daydreamy:
My children are 8 and 13 and the 13 year old witnessed it all.

To be perfectly honest I just want to hear I'm not daft for feeling the guilt etc because I dont understand it, maybe I'll get back in touch with VS.

Your not daft daydreamy, what you are feeling is v v normal

I'm guessing that you've long felt responsible for making him happy/ not upsetting him etc.? If so, guess you may be still doing that now? It's v early days and I agree with op, think that getting in touch with Women's Aid, (or your local equivalent,) would be v v helpful.
Don't underestimate the impact on your kids, they are likely to have v mixed feelings about what he's done to you and will have been affected by what's happened too, so it might help for them to talk to someone too and decide what they want to do about seeing/ not seeing their Dad in both the short and long term. Personally I wouldn't be letting them see him unsupervised in the short term, don't know your situ. but in most cases the perpetrator tries to blame the victim for what happened and you don't want that. Best of luck and well done for getting out of an abusive relationship

8/23/095:49 AM

spongebob squarepantsMember

and pepsi xxx....

8/23/095:50 AM

SazBombMember

quote:
Originally posted by Karma_:
Mine feels a huge amount of guilt knowing he's probably ensured I will never have kids again but he'll never admit that. We get along ok now, it's taken 5 years to be able to have a conversation without me feeling rage but I've got there. I'll never forget though, ever.

oh Karma, I never knew that

8/23/095:50 AM

♥PinkBabe1966♥The Angel under the tree!Member

You are feeling the classic reaction for anyone who has been in your situation.

I'm guessing along with the physical abuse came a fair amount of mental abuse, making you feel worthless, and making you feel guilt.

Hun it's natural that you feel that way and don't keep inside you, talk to people, whether it's on here or as other have said Victim Support or Women's Aid, they are fantastic and will talk the situation through with you.

If he still wants to see his kids, then he could possibly see them at a relatives or a Family Contact Centre, where the session will be supervised and you don't have to see him at all.

Don't feel guilty for involving the police, it was the right thing to do, for your safety and your children's safety. He deserves it I'm afraid.

I really hope things are ok for you and am glad you have finally taken the steps to get this person out of your life, it will take time and you will need to be strong for your kids, but you will get there, I promise you that.

And yes, it happened to me, no kids involved, but an abusive partner, took me a lot of years to get over it and in a way I still haven't, but I was lucky I met a decent man who helped me and made me see that not all men are bad.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

8/23/095:50 AM

queenshaksMember

Without going into much details....my mum was in one but nearly 46 yrs later they are still together.

Hated him growing up but now as an adult realised he had issues as a youngster and it carried on into adulthood. Love my dad to bits and know for a fact he worships the ground my mum walks on.

Do whatever you think is best, it's hard to tell anyone how to feel as we are not walking in their shoes.

Hugs

8/23/095:52 AM

Karma_Member

quote:
Originally posted by spongebob squarepants:
quote:
Originally posted by Karma_:
quote:
Originally posted by pepsi:

it WILL pass.... is it not about time he realises that his behaviour is unacceptable? Having said that I don't think my ex will ever accept that...he still thinks he did what he did to me because I deserved it

Mine feels a huge amount of guilt knowing he's probably ensured I will never have kids again but he'll never admit that. We get along ok now, it's taken 5 years to be able to have a conversation without me feeling rage but I've got there. I'll never forget though, ever.

jesus karma..... xxx

I'm ok Spongey, sometimes revisiting it can be nasty but I've moved on, I just hate seeing it happen to someone else, man or woman. Does me in.

Meant to say aswell Dreamy that you have also broken a chain now. I had 4 serious relationships that were DV, and only saw the light after nearly 18 years. Never again will a guy put his hand on me or drag me down to such a shit level that I'd feel like I'd be better off dead.

Your kids will help to get you through this cos you have to be strong for them too, you really will come out of this a lot stronger xxx

8/23/095:53 AM

SazBombMember

I'm getting proper teary reading this thread

8/23/095:55 AM

pepsiMember

quote:
Originally posted by daydreamy:
Karma, pepsi, everyone thank you I'm glad I'm normal

The putting the rubbish out just did me in, I didnt do mine this week I just havent been working on full power.

Cheers again people

It will do hon

... but every week it will get easier. You have done an amazingly brave first step in leaving him... unless you have been in this situation you do not realise how HARD it is to do. The feeling of being on your own is overwhelming isn't it?... but gradually I found how lovely it is and I became more relaxed and began to enjoy it. It's a healing process ...and I often think it's a very close feeling to a death. You have to go through stages and they are a natural progression ... guilt, worrying, nervous ...and ultimately anger.

There are a good few of us on the forum who have expeerienced all this so don't feel bad for posting about it

It's good to share experiences and coping mechanisms. It's good to let your feelings out and share them with people. I have days/weeks where I go right inside myself and hardly post ...but every now and then I have a spurt of posting and joining in ...so I'm still healing I suppose

8/23/095:55 AM

queenshaksMember

Karms...makes me cry

8/23/095:55 AM

spongebob squarepantsMember

quote:
Originally posted by SazBomb:
I'm getting proper teary reading this thread

me too saz....

i just want to give everyone a hug....

8/23/095:56 AM

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