The Death Penalty – is it enough?' Mrs Merton

It's gloves off time, BB. It's time that I stopped pretending under the guise of BEING FAIR. This show is pants. It's rubbish. It stinks. It's more bent than a glamour model's hair extensions and just about as convincing.

I'm only doing this to 'see it out', to put a line under it, to show myself (I don't give a toss what anyone else thinks) that I can stick it to the end. And I don't regret it, not one minute.

Well maybe more than a minute. For example I wasted too much time reading a long, a very long, post by Philip Edgar-Jones on DS:BB, explaining and defending the production process. Putting aside the tedium of the post (can't wait for the book, Phil) and the need to eat a whole packet of chocolate Bath Olivers to get through it, plus the wine, and in the middle I dragged the Jehovah's Witnesses in off the street for a bit of light banter, it doesn't do well to tell hard-core fans of the show that Other People Elsewhere love it and it is a huge success.

Do have a chat with that horse-faced therapist, the one who states the bl**ding obvious , and she will tell you that people don't usually take kindly to being patronised. Or lied to.

Now BB tells us that we can vote off 4 people this week. (Except they don't. Tell us, that is. Under the guise of 'isn't this fun, yet another side-splitting twist' word is leaked out, conflicting stories are spread and all we feel is that we are complicit in a total mess.) You spoil us, BB. How can we possibly choose just four people to hate amongst so many?

I think of a fellow poster on BB. She is a lady who sits with her grand-daughter and they bond over loving, hating, criticising, analysing housemates. Sometimes they feel so strongly they pick up the phone and place a few votes.

She is no fool. She knows that BB isn't about Same Difference or Diversity. That it is gritty and edgy and can be uncomfortable viewing. Just like life. She knows too that it needs a bit of tidying and sorting to make a television show.

But she wants to feel that her phone calls are her business, a genuine response to a true representation of what goes on. Ultimately she wants to feel that she and her grand-daughter have shared a positive experience.

Well, mature, intelligent, sensible lady, who are you going to vote for this week? You can't vote either way for JOSIE. You would have considered trying to get rid of her as she is just about as different from your grand-daughter as a girl can get. But JOSIE has been chosen to be in the final. She is the re-incarnation of Jade. A poor copy - less controversial and therefore less interesting.

No-one in their right mind can want DAVE in the final. But, wait, the producers chose Dave (he says they contacted him) and the producers ARE Big Brother and they will decide.

Dave is an evil little scroat with not one redeeming feature (I shall never erase the image of him lying on the floor looking up his wife's skirt). One Sunday newspaper describes the forthcoming BB Friday night as a 'blood bath'. We can only hope that is true where Dave is concerned. Time to bring back the arena and the hungry lions. Though I suspect they would take one look at Dave and ask, 'Where are the Christians?'

ANDREW and MARIO are both charmless miseries.

JJ2 opens his mouth to swear and that's it. CORIN had the nerve to think she could just come on with a couple of catch phrases (it didn't work for Tracy BB8) and a determination to do nothing and coast to a win (which worked for that girl with the straight hair, BB9).

STEVE, at least, had the good grace to come up with a novelty of 'war' hero cardboard cut-out. The only thing JJ has contributed is to make every married woman in the country count her eye-liners to see they are present and correct, and to re-assess the stereotype of the Aussie as a fun-loving devil-may-care rascal.

We might all feel annoyed by or love SAM (especially those Allstar housmates who see him as the little lad they can patronise in Allstars and who won't be competition in the race for the Nuts shoot) but can anyone really feel comfortable that the 'banter' and physical abuse is really good for him, the perpetrators or us, the viewers.

No, the horse-racing task wasn't hilarious. None of the tasks have been fun. What was that nonsense about 'cougars' and clowns and all the fun of the fair. Davina Macraw was underused and Davina Macall over-used. No-one watches the spin-off shows, including Lamb (who also hasn't watched the main show) and gimmicks like the phone-ins just fell flat.

In short the whole business hasn't been fun, Edgar-Jones...it all has a nasty feel to it. And the country isn't in the mood for unmitigated misery, there is enough of that around in the real world, we don't need the turn on the television to see more of it.

Bullying isn't fashionable any more. This all has such a SPITEFUL feel to it and, back to my older lady friend, she is beginning to feel she will keep her purse firmly closed and not be party to it.

No-one who knows me asks why I left BB8...they know that when I said to Dermot, 'I thought it would be fun and boy did I get that wrong,' I was telling the truth.

No, I didn't expect it to be a W.I. tea-party, and trust me those can get pretty rough at times, but I didn't expect to feel that the fun would be so outweighed by the fear. I never trusted the production team – why should I, they were faceless strangers to me, working to their own agenda – and I don't trust them now.

Someone from the production team told me this week that Allstars 'will be great fun'. There is a tradition that ex-housemates are supposed to be 'nice' about each other. (There is nothing so sad in this world as the 'parties' where ex-housemates gather to be photographed – poor Ben, I cringed for you.)

It is one tradition I don't adhere to. Allstars will be full of all those nasty little self-deluded characters who have risen to the top of the dung heap that is BB world and are willing to sell their souls, if they still have them, to perform the cardboard cut-out that BB has made for them.

As Shilpa said to Jade, 'THIS is what you are.'