quote:Originally posted by j0anne:
ahhh the temptation was too much lol
THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH AND EDNA
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
these are hilarious! Love the 98 yr old womans letter to her bank and the email from work mates!!!
Letter to NTL..
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,
Yours psychotically
John Doe
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,
Yours psychotically
John Doe
quote:Originally posted by PuppyDooDoo:quote:Originally posted by j0anne:
i have something that will gross you all out ...and be warned only watch if you can heave and breathe at the same time....its rather compelling and yukkk at same time and it does not involve toilet functions .....
only for the brave and not faint hearted you have been warned
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVfzCGFLGFY
I looked at the title and came to the conclusion my stomach is not strong enough not to fountain my dinner out.
Same
the title alone made me wanna quote:hone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrive
Love it tupps!
quote:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVfzCGFLGFY
no no no no no!! why would anyone watch such a thing?! I jsut saw the title before the vid started and closed it down - urrrrghhhhh!
And another one
* Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your âAlwaysâ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, Iâd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and Iâd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I canât tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing thereâs a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from âthe curseâ? Iâm guessing you havenât. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and Iâll be transformed into what my husband likes to call âan inbred hillbilly with knife skills.â Isnât the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, youâve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from âAunt Floâ. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize itâs a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriendâs testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Greyâs Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pantsâĶ Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: âHave a Happy Period.â
Are you ------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless youâre some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything âhappyâ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you donât march down to the local Walgreenâs armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldnât it make more sense to say something thatâs actually pertinent, like âPut down the Hammerâ or âVehicular Manslaughter is Wrongâ, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t.
And thatâs a promise I will keep. Always!
Best,
* Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your âAlwaysâ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, Iâd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and Iâd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I canât tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing thereâs a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from âthe curseâ? Iâm guessing you havenât. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and Iâll be transformed into what my husband likes to call âan inbred hillbilly with knife skills.â Isnât the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, youâve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from âAunt Floâ. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize itâs a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriendâs testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Greyâs Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pantsâĶ Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: âHave a Happy Period.â
Are you ------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless youâre some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything âhappyâ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you donât march down to the local Walgreenâs armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldnât it make more sense to say something thatâs actually pertinent, like âPut down the Hammerâ or âVehicular Manslaughter is Wrongâ, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t.
And thatâs a promise I will keep. Always!
Best,
Council and housing association complaints
-I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
-I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
-I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
-My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
-I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
-Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
-I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
-50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
-I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
-The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
-Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
-Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
-Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
-I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me.
-The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
-Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
-I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
-Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
-I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
-This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we canât get BBC2.
-My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it,
-and heâs got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
-that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
-I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
-I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
-I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
-My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
-I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
-Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
-I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
-50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
-I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
-The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
-Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
-Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
-Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
-I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me.
-The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
-Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
-I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
-Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
-I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
-This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we canât get BBC2.
-My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it,
-and heâs got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
-that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
Dear Mom & Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Our camp counselor, Mr. Webb, is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Mr. Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Mr. Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Mr. Webb said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Mr. Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry; he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Mr. Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Mr. Webb isn't crabby like some camp masters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Mr. Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Cole
PS
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire. the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Our camp counselor, Mr. Webb, is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Mr. Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Mr. Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Mr. Webb said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Mr. Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry; he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Mr. Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Mr. Webb isn't crabby like some camp masters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Mr. Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Cole
PS
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire. the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to
Ha ha ha ha - i have a dream ... of cake
at the posts
There were three rottweilers in the waiting room at the vet's surgery, and after a while they got talking.
" I was out walking with my master," says the first one, " When a thug attacked him, so i chased the guy, caught him by the throat and savaged him to death. That's why I'm here to be put down."
" I was in the house," began the second dog, " When a burglar broke in and tried to nick the TV. So i pinned him to the floor, bit his arm off, and now I'm here to be put down."
The third rottweiler then started his story. " I was patrolling the house one evening, and wandered into the bathroom to see my masters wife naked, bending over the bath tub, so i leapt up and gave her a good seeing-to from behind."
" What, and your being put down for that," replied the other dogs.
Oh, no. I'm just here to have my claws clipped.
" I was out walking with my master," says the first one, " When a thug attacked him, so i chased the guy, caught him by the throat and savaged him to death. That's why I'm here to be put down."
" I was in the house," began the second dog, " When a burglar broke in and tried to nick the TV. So i pinned him to the floor, bit his arm off, and now I'm here to be put down."
The third rottweiler then started his story. " I was patrolling the house one evening, and wandered into the bathroom to see my masters wife naked, bending over the bath tub, so i leapt up and gave her a good seeing-to from behind."
" What, and your being put down for that," replied the other dogs.
Oh, no. I'm just here to have my claws clipped.
quote:Originally posted by Barolo:
There were three rottweilers in the waiting room at the vet's surgery, and after a while they got talking.
" I was out walking with my master," says the first one, " When a thug attacked him, so i chased the guy, caught him by the throat and savaged him to death. That's why I'm here to be put down."
" I was in the house," began the second dog, " When a burglar broke in and tried to nick the TV. So i pinned him to the floor, bit his arm off, and now I'm here to be put down."
The third rottweiler then started his story. " I was patrolling the house one evening, and wandered into the bathroom to see my masters wife naked, bending over the bath tub, so i leapt up and gave her a good seeing-to from behind."
" What, and your being put down for that," replied the other dogs.
Oh, no. I'm just here to have my claws clipped.
With his elderly wife, Bob the pensioner goes to the doctor for his annual check up.
After checking him over, the doctor turns to him. " Well Bob," he says, " You seem fine but i'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
Hard of hearing, Bob turns to look at is wife. " What did he say?" He yells.
His wife bellows back: " He said he needs your underpants."
Two men are sitting on a river bank, fishing.
Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the bridge.
One of the men stands up takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.
" That was a nice gesture," Says the other man.
"Oh," Replies the first, "It's the least i can do. We were married 25 years."
After checking him over, the doctor turns to him. " Well Bob," he says, " You seem fine but i'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
Hard of hearing, Bob turns to look at is wife. " What did he say?" He yells.
His wife bellows back: " He said he needs your underpants."
Two men are sitting on a river bank, fishing.
Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the bridge.
One of the men stands up takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.
" That was a nice gesture," Says the other man.
"Oh," Replies the first, "It's the least i can do. We were married 25 years."
George the post man was on the final day of his job after 35 years of serving the same neighbourhood, come rain or shine.
At the first house,he was greeted by the entire family applauding him, and sent on his way with a healthy gift envelope.
At the second house, he was presented with a case of fine wine, at the third he left with a box of Havana cigars.
At the fourth house, George was greeted by a beautiful blonde in a baby- doll nightie, who took him by the hand upstairs to the bedroom and treated him to the best sex of his life.
Afterwards she led him to the kitchen and cooked him breakfast.
As the stunning blonde poured the coffee, the postie noticed a ÂĢ1 coin next to his cup.
" Whats the money for ?" He asked.
"Oh," The woman replied. " Last night I told my husband that today was your last day, and asked him what we should give you as a special treat."
He said , " F**k him. Give him a pound." The breakfast was my idea.
At the first house,he was greeted by the entire family applauding him, and sent on his way with a healthy gift envelope.
At the second house, he was presented with a case of fine wine, at the third he left with a box of Havana cigars.
At the fourth house, George was greeted by a beautiful blonde in a baby- doll nightie, who took him by the hand upstairs to the bedroom and treated him to the best sex of his life.
Afterwards she led him to the kitchen and cooked him breakfast.
As the stunning blonde poured the coffee, the postie noticed a ÂĢ1 coin next to his cup.
" Whats the money for ?" He asked.
"Oh," The woman replied. " Last night I told my husband that today was your last day, and asked him what we should give you as a special treat."
He said , " F**k him. Give him a pound." The breakfast was my idea.
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies ...
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.