I'll echo that. You can ask for advice but at the end of the day only you know what's best for you. I hope you are happy whatever you decide 

I agree Baz and Soozy, everyone is individual and they know what's best for them.
The last thing you would want to do though is to take any hurt and bitterness with you to your next relationship, so take time for yourself, where you can move on first. Allow yourself to do this though and don't hang onto the past. It will only be painful.

Comrade

I have to say I agree with posters who have raised the question of why she is back ... What you describe is a relationship where you were more in love with the dream of what  you wanted her to be rather than what she actually was.  Nothing you have described suggests that she was ever going to fulfil this dream for you.  You title your thread 'Love and Fear' ... this is the crux of it isn't it?  I know you have been in a lonely, harsh place all these months trying to get over her ... the only thing I can say is what my gut instinct tells me ... don't lay your cloths under her feet.

Hi Comrade, great to see you back

Speaking from experience on the trust issue I have to say that for me, the trust can never be regained, even if you tell yourself you can trust somebody again, the mistrust is ALWAYS there niggling away. in my case it ate away at me, my self confidence and messed my head up.

Everything was fine when i was around the man concerned, but as soon as he didn't answer his phone etc, it reared it's ugly head again...it made me ill, mentally and physically, eventually I had to walk away even though i still loved him very much...there were chances to go back but the damage had been done....it took me a long time to get over him, but I did....

...I still think of him and how things were when they were good, then i have to remind myself of the bad....it broke me to have to walk away and I really don't know to this day how i found the strength to, though i can honestly say if i hadn't I'd probably be acomplete wreck by now....I had to do what was right for me, and I hope you can too.....

Take your time and think of the bad as well as the good....only you can decide and i wish you all the happiness that you deserve...

quote:

I heard nothing from her nor afterwards in fact not until very recently, when she heard I was moving on.

That's your answer right there, it leapt out of your post.


She wasn't there when you were down, and when she thinks you've moved on, up she pops like a bad penny.  As soon as you make yourself available again, the appeal will be gone and so will she. 



Don't even think about it, you will rue the day.

What an effing heartfelt OP Comrade.
I believe that what you feel in your heart is what you should follow.

We are merely human, to err is human, even to f**k up monumentally is human.

To forgive is brave.

To beg forgiveness may be braver.

Good luck.

PS I remember when you left....I knew something had happened that affected you badly.

Don't be tempted C.O.  

And don't think you need to be in a relationship at every given moment either. Single's allowed.

Take some time out, have a cold shower and go fishing  

Comrade   I'm talking out of turn here but.....

I don't like her.  She's wrong on so many levels - destructive.  Don't go back there.
I agree with all that Fracas has said 3 posts above ^.


And I am thinking of you. x

Thank you everyone for your replies.


All probably good advice.


Which I think I've just ignored.


I don't know what is wrong with me, I seem to have my finger on the self destruct button, I can see that I'm doing it yet seem powerless to stop myself.


She said to me that I am her sanity, if this is true then we are both in trouble, honestly though.. that she says that scares me... because rightly or wrongly, I do love her (or feel something for her, can it be love without trust ?.. anyway...) and this is something that she said early in our relationship and also recently. what if that is true ? Perhaps the fact she knew I was there was enough and where I to leave her.... would she be okay ?



My head is wasted.

Good luck CO - hey it just might work out, and I hope it does 

Her sanity, roughly translated means her doormat that she can come in and wipe her feet on any time things aren't going how she wants elsewhere.,.until the next time she buggers off, which she will whether it be in 12 days, 12 weeks or 11 months.

I did say watch out for the things she says to you....

Now if you say no you'll become the bad one cos she's managed to put you in that position where already you're feeling guilty.

Whatever happens, I hope you're gonna be ok.

And what happened to that dependency when you needed her and she was off with someone else?


I refer you to my post before this one.

manipulative biatch

CO, you've been advised well. 
However, you still have the final say where your choices are concerned.
Based on what you've shared with us indicates that, you weren't prepared mentally or emotionally for the break-up, the way it was done, OR the shock which ensued by the behaviour of someone who 'seemed' so warm, but turned out to be so cold  
So, while you envisaged the future with this person, they were busy calculating and/or making plans of a future without you - ergo, the feelings of love continued - albeit one-sided. 

Love, and Fear of repetition, is clearly the inner conflict that needs to be somehow reconciled.
And in my opinion, FWIW, I say go for it.
Because on one hand, you'll be able to pacify your mixed feelings of yearning, torment, frustration and loneliness, while on the other hand you'll be able to secretly come-to-terms with your resentment for the way you were treated - as well as your disillusionment of this person.
In the very least, you'll be  prepared to say goodbye on YOUR terms or when/if the moment comes around again.

So now you are her therapist and charged with keeping her sane?

You know that is emotional blackmail don't you?

In fact you know what you need to do but your heart won't let you cos it's not connected to your upper brain  [just to your lower one]   ..I suspect that while you have these 'feelings' for this person you will always go back no matter how much sense you hear..

lets hope your eyes are opened soon and they connect with your heart, and both brains too, so the feelings you currently have disappear and you can move on..

Velvet is right . .it not bad to be single and  if fishing isn't your thing try some other hobby or interest.. 

Ref Ninja:
In the very least, you'll be  prepared to say goodbye on YOUR terms or when/if the moment comes around again.




My sentiments exactly, I agree with NinJa on this specific point CO.
You need to at least give the relationship a second and final chance. This time YOU WILL be in control, not necessarily of the power in the realtionship but you will be more in control of self...... and that counts for a lot.   And if all else fails at least now you know for sure that you will survive! 

Go for it gal! Life it too darn short not to at least try.


you have only failed when you have failed to try

Sometimes even though you know its doomed, you just have to ride it out to the very bitter end.

The advantage to this is when you get there, you'll get closure.

In the meantime my best advise to you would be to keep reminding yourself that "its NOT you, its her"....    that given your way this would not have been the messy relationship its turned into.

I wish you well...  xxx

oh dear

"We learn by doing. There is no other way".  Question is - how many times must we do, before we finally learn?

or as Einstein said, Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

She's playing you like a cheap fiddle.


It'll all end in tears.  Again.  Not going to add any more to the thread, you're doing this to yourself Comrade 

can it be love without trust ?
-----------------------------------------------------------------

oh yeah, I definitely think so ..... If we instantly stopped loving someone the moment they broke our trust, none of us would ever have felt such heartache ..... It's the "still loving someone" after they let you down, that breaks your heart "everytime"

Only you can decide what's best to do .... maybe you will go back for more, & maybe that's what you need to do .......... but only you can decide .... Others can only ever offer advice.

* As Madonna once said: Only the one that inflicts pain can take it away *

Rightly or wrongly, Comrade is doing what he feels he wants to do right now.

I would imagine a few of us have been there. 

It might end up in tears, it might not. 

All the best Comrade. I hope it works out for you.  

if someone left me when i needed them like you did.... i would not trust them again with my heart, but thats me.

I wish you all the best and hope you are happy

I have to be blunt and apologies if I offend. I have 2 son's and I have always told them when a woman stops playing with your dick and starts playing with your head it's time to move on. There are women in this world who know exactly how to play a man and she sounds like one of them. She know's you have moved on and now she's decided she want's you back. Be wary or be prepared to be hurt again.

*writes that one down for future use on son!*  

Like Ditty, I'm jotting that down for future usage too
CO you've been through a lot of heartache, (I'm not sure if this is the woman who you were in a long term relationship with, or the next one, who you were in a shorter relationship with, who also broke your heart?).....I'd say don't go there again, but if you do, (which I fully imagine you will!) then please tread v v v carefully and slowly and make sure that she knows and agrees that she will have to do the work to regain your trust. Have you considered going to some kind of relationship counselling together? Might be worth a try, for both of your sakes?

Im banking that saying too, its brilliant!

Comrade you knew what you were going to do when you started this thread but you also know deep down it will be hard going or she will hurt you again, thats why you started the thread, you want talking out of it.

Matters of the heart are so difficult to decide upon!

Oh its just dawned on me, shes not just after a valentines pressie is she? She does seem like the sort to string people on for personal gain and not much else (sorry but thats how I'm seeing her)

Whatever happens i hope it goes well for you, i really mean that.

Well its been on, off, on off, etc..


but finally...


It is over...


I think it became a situation where either head or heart would be sacrificed that the oher survive, no way out without pain.


My heart yearns for her but in the end we just kept hurting each other.


In so many ways we seemed so right, yet..... so incompatible.


So for sanity my heart must ache for that which I think can never be.

Comrade, I think you have made the right decision, although I know it will be a painful time for you, right now.

Comrade sorry it is over and you are hurting it was always going to be like that being an on off relationship,now that you have made up your minds it is over you can only hurt for so long it will get easier with time.I am a very trusting and forgiving person but with relationships once that trust is broken and I have been treated  badly they would not get a second chance with me .. I would rather be on my own, hopefully you will meet someone who will give you the trust and the respect you deserve,look after yourself

Lovely to see you as always Comrade O.
Thanks for coming back to this thread to let us know.
It seems from what you say that - although it hurts - the decision has been made with some clarity and common sense. 
I send you my warmest good wishes. 
I agree with Yogi and Marguerita about the lingering pain.
It will get better and for your own sanity my gut feeling says you have made the right decision.

When trust has gone it can never be regained.....you will never trust her ergo any relationship would be doomed.
Only you know whether you would take this chance.....good luck

Comrade...((hugs)))....I also send you my warmest wishes, and though it doesn't feel like it now...it does get easier over time.....and eventually, although you may always love her in some way, you'll realise how free you are from the head games and the pain.....I wish you so much  happiness for the future, and you know we are always here for you

Comrade O, I have been reading about your mental and physical torment. Being in love is a thing all on it's own. I suffered being beaten the shit out for 14 years because I was in love. When you were talking about your feelings, I completey understood. I had to justify being with my husband to my children, to my friends, even my ex husband (who's my children's father), it took something that happened when my grandchild was 2 years old for me to reject him forever.

Get yourself a big fishing rod and put the past behind you  

and go to the Spey.

And catch a beauty 

In a while, you'll see this person for what they really are. Especially that despite all the love they may have claimed for you, that when it came to the crunch, they didn't really give a toss about you. Once you realise that, you'll start to see things a lot differently. xx

Hi Comrade, i can only echo what some others have said. It will be painful for a time, but its for the best. Life is very short and you deserve happiness, and i am very sure you will find it. Take care, but dont sit and think of things too much, get yourself out and keep busy.