Once trust is lost in a relationship can it ever be regained ?
What if you love someone yet at the same time fear that they cannot be trusted with your heart ?
Some months ago the person I was seeing left me, it was supposed to be a long term relationship and she had given me the equivalent (in our relationship) of a wedding ring.
she dropped me during a particularly difficult time in my life, I was facing a health problem that had the potential to be life changing (facial paralysis) and or life threatening (cancer). I got away without either being an issue btw but that's not the point.... I'd asked her if she wanted the 'ring' returned there was no response. in the time leading up to the op I heard nothing from her nor afterwards in fact not until very recently, when she heard I was moving on.
It's a long and complex story but she tells me now that she loves me and always has, that she had not met with me before as she had not intended me to take the 'ring' off and did not want me to have the opportunity to return it.
I don't know that I can trust her, she broke me.
I idolised her, worshipped her, there is nothing I would not have done for her, I'd have died for her, I mourned the loss of what we had for months, not a day passed I didn't think of her, pine for her... but now... I fear her.
I know that I could probably give her my heart again but I still have a lot of hurt and would have to forget what has happened in order to do so. she could break me into smaller pieces and I don't think I could face that.
To end what was supposed to be a commited long term relationship that I thought was very special at such a time in my life makes it difficult to think she values me, yet she seems very sorry and is being very sweet. I am also aware that she can play mind games. God I'm so confused.
Love & fear.... desire clashing with self preservation.
What to do ?
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She didn't give a toss when you needed her support the most.
Take your time.
Take your time.
That's a tough one! 
On the one hand, she wasn't there for you, at a very difficult time, and on the other hand, maybe it was fear of the illness and coping with it, that kept her away?
I think she would have to explain that bit, better than she has, and be really open about her feelings at that time, if you are ever going to trust her again.
On the one hand, she wasn't there for you, at a very difficult time, and on the other hand, maybe it was fear of the illness and coping with it, that kept her away?
I think she would have to explain that bit, better than she has, and be really open about her feelings at that time, if you are ever going to trust her again.
Reference:
maybe it was fear of the illness and coping with it, that kept her away?
Thats what i was thinking.
It is a tough one and whatever you decide to do make sure its what you want.
If you really do want her back (lets be honest you wouldnt be taking the time to think about it if you didnt deep down) i think you need to get a decent explanation out of her, if she doesnt feel she can trust you with her inner most feelings and thoughts then shes not worthy of a second chance. IF you do decide get back with her i say go very slowly being very cautious, first signs of her letting you down again tell her where to go!
To be brutally honest I'd say to tell her to sling her hook..,don't let her drop you and pick you up at will! Move on and one say you'll find someone who doesn't make you feel so needy.
Comrade, I'm not sure I would be able to trust someone who had left me when I most needed their support.
However, Blizzie is correct, when she says some people are unable to cope when faced with a partner's serious illness. Even if this was the case with your ex, you may have to accept that she might do the same thing again, if you were ever in a similar position.
In your post, you say:
I wish you well, whatever decision you make.
However, Blizzie is correct, when she says some people are unable to cope when faced with a partner's serious illness. Even if this was the case with your ex, you may have to accept that she might do the same thing again, if you were ever in a similar position.
In your post, you say:
Reference:
I idolised her, worshipped her, there is nothing I would not have done for her, I'd have died for her, I mourned the loss of what we had for months, not a day passed I didn't think of her, pine for her... but now... I fear her.
Perhaps, deep down, you know the answer to your question.I wish you well, whatever decision you make.
Comrade only you can make the decision when you still love someone it must be very hard but you are asking for opinions if I were in your shoes I could never trust her nor give her the time of day, your first post about her going back not long ago was very sad how she treated you, whatever decision you make I wish you all the best..
I thought she had gone off in another relationship? Has that ended? Hmmm.
I agree with Blizzie. although to not be there when you need her most must have been devastating Comrade.
I would think long and hard before going there again, but I'm sure your heart will rule your head anyway.
Who is to say the next person that comes into your life won't hurt you some couples find it impossible to find that trust again, some couples become stronger because of it. You alone must be clear in your mind if you are willing to take that chance again, but every relationship is a gamble Comrade. Good luck with whatever you decide, it's been a tough year for you and I hope this one is far better.
I would think long and hard before going there again, but I'm sure your heart will rule your head anyway.
Who is to say the next person that comes into your life won't hurt you some couples find it impossible to find that trust again, some couples become stronger because of it. You alone must be clear in your mind if you are willing to take that chance again, but every relationship is a gamble Comrade. Good luck with whatever you decide, it's been a tough year for you and I hope this one is far better.
Comrade, I am so sorry you are having such turmoil in your life.
It has often been said that the best counselling does not tell people what they should do.
The best counselling enables them to reach their own decisions.
But you did ask a straight question.
If we take the definition of 'trust' as
"reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
"reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
confident expectation of something."
I suppose if people grow apart, then trust can crumble also.
But I have always believed you cannot have love without trust; they are part and parcel of the same thing; they go hand-in-hand; one is a vital ingredient of the other.
I also believe that one of the biggest certainties in life is 'change'.
However, I am also of the opinion that once a lack of trust has been revealed, it cannot be forgotten. Once a person has proved one of their traits is that they cannot be fully trusted, - that seals it for me. They have proved they possess an untrustworthy element.
There cannot be love without trust.
Warm wishes to you Comrade, which I hope may be a little comfort.
I get the impression that you are a self-aware person, and you truly know what you feel about this, but are reluctantly having a difficult and hurtful job accepting it. But you know really!
Moving on depends on acceptance of the past.
I suppose if people grow apart, then trust can crumble also.
But I have always believed you cannot have love without trust; they are part and parcel of the same thing; they go hand-in-hand; one is a vital ingredient of the other.
I also believe that one of the biggest certainties in life is 'change'.
However, I am also of the opinion that once a lack of trust has been revealed, it cannot be forgotten. Once a person has proved one of their traits is that they cannot be fully trusted, - that seals it for me. They have proved they possess an untrustworthy element.
There cannot be love without trust.
Warm wishes to you Comrade, which I hope may be a little comfort.
I get the impression that you are a self-aware person, and you truly know what you feel about this, but are reluctantly having a difficult and hurtful job accepting it. But you know really!
Moving on depends on acceptance of the past.
The father of my daughter was the first bloke to ever "break my heart"... it was life changing... he cheated on me. A few months later, after his relationship with the Southend tart didn't work out he came back.... cos I was young, and naive, and still loved him I got back with him.
My Dad said something at the time that I will never forget... he said "it will never be the same again."
That was so true... it never ever was... the relationship was sullied. All trust had gone, all mutual respect had gone, the next year of the relationship was more like a war than love. And eventually he left me again for another girl... only this time he left me, I was 6 months pregnant with his child.
Those words my Dad said were so true though...
My marriage now is founded on trust. If anything happened that broke that trust I don't think our relationship would survive... its the thing that keeps it together when the going gets tough.
My Dad said something at the time that I will never forget... he said "it will never be the same again."
That was so true... it never ever was... the relationship was sullied. All trust had gone, all mutual respect had gone, the next year of the relationship was more like a war than love. And eventually he left me again for another girl... only this time he left me, I was 6 months pregnant with his child.
Those words my Dad said were so true though...
My marriage now is founded on trust. If anything happened that broke that trust I don't think our relationship would survive... its the thing that keeps it together when the going gets tough.
I commend you on that post Ditty.
I did consider that she may have taken fright due to the illness but in meeting with her she didn't cite that as a reason. in fact none of the reasons she gave really brought much comfort if I'm to be honest.
Perhaps I need to talk to her again, problem is that she has a way of talking me around without really saying a word, she still has a hold over me, I think I want to be convinced, does that make sense ?
Perhaps I need to talk to her again, problem is that she has a way of talking me around without really saying a word, she still has a hold over me, I think I want to be convinced, does that make sense ?
ta Brisket... but just telling it how it was. 
That thing my Dad says... its probably the truest thing he has ever said to me.
Comrade - it took me years to get over all that... years! But I did! It definitely shaped my personality into what it is today... at that time I vowed i would never want to inflict that kind of pain on anybody... it made me a better person. I say this with hindsight of course... at the time I was just a mess.
That thing my Dad says... its probably the truest thing he has ever said to me.
Comrade - it took me years to get over all that... years! But I did! It definitely shaped my personality into what it is today... at that time I vowed i would never want to inflict that kind of pain on anybody... it made me a better person. I say this with hindsight of course... at the time I was just a mess.
My dear Comrade.
You have just said it yourself - "she still has a hold over me"
That doesn't sound mutual Comrade.
It also sounds as if this relationship brings you little pleasure.
Reference:
I think I want to be convinced, does that make sense ?
100% sense!!I know that feeling. Only you can decide... allow yourself to believe her... cos you really really want to... or bring on the hurt yourself and walk away.
To be brutally honest... the choice is... to hurt now... or to hurt further down the road (and underneath it all.... hurt a bit whilst you are going down the road also) xxx
What Croc said. Tell her to sling her hook. Don't try and rationalise or reason with why she left, the fact is she did. To try and 'make sense' of it is to try and justify it.
None of the reasons brought comfort, she talked rings around you without saying a word so how can you move forward?
Instead of working on her actions and reasons for them, maybe have a think about why she has the hold over you, is it because of some old sentiment you used to feel? As long as she the 'hold' over you, you ain't gonna be able to see the wood for the trees
None of the reasons brought comfort, she talked rings around you without saying a word so how can you move forward?
Instead of working on her actions and reasons for them, maybe have a think about why she has the hold over you, is it because of some old sentiment you used to feel? As long as she the 'hold' over you, you ain't gonna be able to see the wood for the trees
Comrade, I don't know what advice to give you except to say that, from reading not only this thread but other posts you have made in the past, I think you would benefit from seeing a relationship counsellor. You have had two relationships in the recent past that have left you feeling very down and vulnerable and going back into a relationship with this person - or starting a relationship with someone new - when you are so torn and uncertain is a recipe for disaster.
Hope things work out for you xx
Hope things work out for you xx
I echo what everyone else has said.
It doesn't seem good that type of hold she has over you.
Hopefully you can take your time to come to the decision that is right for you.
Tell her you couldn't possibly get hurt again,(as your still hurting) and this is what is stopping you moving on, and if it to be, then trust (if it can be mended) has to be worked at slowly again.
It doesn't seem good that type of hold she has over you.
Hopefully you can take your time to come to the decision that is right for you.
Tell her you couldn't possibly get hurt again,(as your still hurting) and this is what is stopping you moving on, and if it to be, then trust (if it can be mended) has to be worked at slowly again.
@Brisket
Unfortunately no... I have never been quite where I am now in life. My head and heart used to be at odds but I knew where each stood, my heart yearned for her and my head knew that it was over and that it was probably not too healthy anyway....
You see... even in the relationship there was problems, many disapointments, cancelations, so many that I could no longer look forward to meeting with her as I came to expect to be disapointed but I was in love I think with all that COULD have been, when I did meet her things where great but I always wanted more than was given and her communication inbetween was not too good, often either very cold or non-existant.
I wonder if I'm still chasing a dream that will never be.
Yet even if this is so, even if I accept it so... can I help myself ?
Unfortunately no... I have never been quite where I am now in life. My head and heart used to be at odds but I knew where each stood, my heart yearned for her and my head knew that it was over and that it was probably not too healthy anyway....
You see... even in the relationship there was problems, many disapointments, cancelations, so many that I could no longer look forward to meeting with her as I came to expect to be disapointed but I was in love I think with all that COULD have been, when I did meet her things where great but I always wanted more than was given and her communication inbetween was not too good, often either very cold or non-existant.
I wonder if I'm still chasing a dream that will never be.
Yet even if this is so, even if I accept it so... can I help myself ?
Reference:
can I help myself
I think you have to. If you don't treat yourself right, then how can you expect anyone else to. From what you have said, you know this is never going to be what you would have liked it to be.
You owe it to yourself to make the right decision.
And (apologies for this sounding harsh but) if you get involved again, and she hurts you, then you will only have yourself to blame. I don't mean this in a horrible way.... what i am trying to say is... be kind to yourself!
Reference: Comrade
I did consider that she may have taken fright due to the illness but in meeting with her she didn't cite that as a reason. in fact none of the reasons she gave really brought much comfort if I'm to be honest. Perhaps I need to talk to her again, problem is that she has a way of talking me around without really saying a word, she still has a hold over me, I think I want to be convinced, does that make sense ?
I should imagine that she feels incredibly guilty about how she behaved and has tried to convince herself that those were the reasons, before even trying to convince you!You need to explain to her that you aren't convinced by her reasons and you need to make it clear that you can't ever trust someone who you can't believe.
If you know that doing so face-to-face will be difficult, then write it all down and give her time to prepare an honest and open explanation
She may have a hold on you, but you need to know her true feelings, before you even come near to making any decisions. Explain to her that you understand that she may be feeling guilty about things. If she gives you a proper explanation, then it is up to you. If she doesn't, then you may need to accept that she can't be honest with you and doesn't have your best interest at heart.
Well Reading that it seems that she is untrustworthy, unreliable and was never as fully committed as you were...why are you even thinking about it?
It sounds very much like you are possibly looking to rekindle a relationship that never really existed on equal terms. Why? So she can shit all over you again?
Reference: Comrade
You see... even in the relationship there was problems, many disapointments, cancelations, so many that I could no longer look forward to meeting with her as I came to expect to be disapointed but I was in love I think with all that COULD have been, when I did meet her things where great but I always wanted more than was given and her communication inbetween was not too good, often either very cold or non-existant. I wonder if I'm still chasing a dream that will never be. Yet even if this is so, even if I accept it so... can I help myself ?
Having read all that - ditch her! 
Kick her to the kerb 
I was in love I think with all that COULD have been
There's your answer
There's your answer
Are you both on a similar financial/home/employment footing?
I know we can't help who we fall in love with, Comrade Ogilvy. But if you're talking about the woman on Facebook and the way you told us she treated yout there, all I can say is why on earth would you leave yourself vulnerable to that kind of treatment again? Unless you're a masochist, of course.
This suddenly came to mind, when reading your posts today -
"...a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away..."
This suddenly came to mind, when reading your posts today -
"...a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away..."
Reference:
I was in love I think with all that COULD have been
Yes, that's it. It is not what in reality is going to be. I'm sure you know this, as you have answered a few of your questions just talking through it.
You seen to be at a point of coming to terms with things until she came into your life again.
You can do it! move on, and when the time is right, you will meet your someone special.
Maybe you need to stop asking why she left at a crucial time in your life and ask why is she coming back. Could it be she is a person who constantly looks for the greener grass and is more about herself than anybody else?
you're still hurting from her leaving. . her coming back is only a band aid for your pain atm which you probably want to go away and want a quick fix for that ..but your wound could get bigger if she does a runner again and that seems likely to me.. difficulty coping with illness is not an excuse I believe. .if you truly care for somebody you overcome that and see them thru it. that is one fo the fundamentals of a proper relationship..
try telling her you need more time and can't see her while you heal. .see if she's willing to wait. .I feel if she can do a runner when you are ill she'll not wait around for you to be ready..
in all honesty tho I agree with Croc. .tell her to sling her hook ..she sounds like a user..
you're still hurting from her leaving. . her coming back is only a band aid for your pain atm which you probably want to go away and want a quick fix for that ..but your wound could get bigger if she does a runner again and that seems likely to me.. difficulty coping with illness is not an excuse I believe. .if you truly care for somebody you overcome that and see them thru it. that is one fo the fundamentals of a proper relationship..
try telling her you need more time and can't see her while you heal. .see if she's willing to wait. .I feel if she can do a runner when you are ill she'll not wait around for you to be ready..
in all honesty tho I agree with Croc. .tell her to sling her hook ..she sounds like a user..
Reference:
You see... even in the relationship there was problems, many disapointments, cancelations, so many that I could no longer look forward to meeting with her as I came to expect to be disapointed but I was in love I think with all that COULD have been, when I did meet her things where great but I always wanted more than was given and her communication inbetween was not too good, often either very cold or non-existant.
what you describe there is not a relationship.. it may have been in your head but in hers it sounds like you were just one, of possibly many, she was dating.. or indeed just somebody she could use for a bit of man company when she felt like it..
she sounds truly horrendous from your description of her.. maybe you need to think again about what 'relationship' you thought had with her and what she thought she had with you, [with the rose tinted spectacles removed this time] . I agree with the dump her and move on suggestions tbh....
and try not to invest too much too quickly in relationships in the future.. Veggie is right . .maybe seek some counselling as you are clearly searching for something and hoping to find it in somebody else and also hoping that it will be met if you wish it hard enough.. that way lies disaster every time..
Hey you.. long time no squeak
What you have described is the push you pull you dance. She pushes you away, you go away, she pulls you back. The pull you in makes you feel safe and when you're comfortable comes the push you to make you feel rejected, abandoned, unbalanced. And you being the person you are, wanting it to be ok again, to feel the warmth, may run back to it when it is returned.
It's one of the most destructive relationship dances and will only leave you in a constant state of unbalance. It's pretty emotionally abusive.
Find your boundaries and stick to them. Don't be a partner in this dance. Know your worth cupcake x
What you have described is the push you pull you dance. She pushes you away, you go away, she pulls you back. The pull you in makes you feel safe and when you're comfortable comes the push you to make you feel rejected, abandoned, unbalanced. And you being the person you are, wanting it to be ok again, to feel the warmth, may run back to it when it is returned.
It's one of the most destructive relationship dances and will only leave you in a constant state of unbalance. It's pretty emotionally abusive.
Find your boundaries and stick to them. Don't be a partner in this dance. Know your worth cupcake x
You were her '3am-er'. You know the one you ring at 3am for a bit of fun but you wouldn't have a relationship with?
ditch her, she sounds like a biatch
Reference:
she broke me
she could do it all over again & you would be allowing her to do it to you if you take her back ..... not easy, I know & believe me, I've been one hell of a doormat for the man I love ...... but my honest advice to you: move on ...... I'm assuming the worst of your hurt is in the past ? ..... keep it that way. Never allow this woman to have to opportunity to hurt you again .... she left you when you needed her the most .... unforgivable for one who claims to love you so much
Move on .... there's someone out there, more worthy, who deserves you
Im afraid i wouldnt be able to take her back and trust her.
I am always wary of people who say that they are sorry etc etc etc. If you meant that much to her in the first place then she wouldn't have left you. Risking loosing something you claim to care about to me is like a mother leaving her child in the street because she was having a hard time. You may well be having a hard time, but you know what you have is sacred, so you dont do it no matter how tempting it may seem at times.
I am always wary of people who say that they are sorry etc etc etc. If you meant that much to her in the first place then she wouldn't have left you. Risking loosing something you claim to care about to me is like a mother leaving her child in the street because she was having a hard time. You may well be having a hard time, but you know what you have is sacred, so you dont do it no matter how tempting it may seem at times.
Reference:
I did consider that she may have taken fright due to the illness but in meeting with her she didn't cite that as a reason. in fact none of the reasons she gave really brought much comfort if I'm to be honest.
I think you need to ask yourself if she ever really loved you in the first place. There's nothing worse than being with someone wondering if all the time they're with you, if they'd rather be with someone else, if they're cheating on you or if they really want to be with you at all. If you would end up worrying about things like this if you 2 got back together then why put yourself through that? You're worth more than that.
Way I see it, when you were going through hell with your health and needed someone you thought you could rely on no matter what, she was off flaunting herself with another bloke, with no regard whatsoever for your feelings. You sound like a decent guy and IMO she doesn't deserve decent. Leave her in the gutter where she belongs. One day something similar will happen to her, life has a way of giving back what you give out, no matter how long it takes.
You deserve better.
Oh and I'd also be asking why she suddenly wants to come back, cos when the chips were down for you she didn't want to know, and hasn't wanted to know for months...now all of a sudden she's back with some sob story?
Sounds like she knows how to play you like a fiddle, master manipulators are good at that while at the same time making themselves look like the victim, watch out for the things she says to you.
I know I keep saying it, but you really do deserve better. I'd kick her to the kerb, give yourself time to work on YOU and building back up your self-esteem, learn to value yourself again.
Sounds like she knows how to play you like a fiddle, master manipulators are good at that while at the same time making themselves look like the victim, watch out for the things she says to you.
I know I keep saying it, but you really do deserve better. I'd kick her to the kerb, give yourself time to work on YOU and building back up your self-esteem, learn to value yourself again.
