CBB 2014
Semi-nude pole-dancing, jokes about sexual acts, a volatile love triangle, an X-rated role play, boasts about threesomes: Celebrity Big Brother has been must-see TV. There. Iâve said it. And yes, I am a) completely sober and b) of sound mind.
But donât just take my word for it â look at the overnight viewing figures; the averages have been higher than a good deal of the Big Brother 10 and Big Brother 11 run on Channel 4 (the last two series to air there before that broadcaster dropped the axe).
That not enough to convince you? What if I said that, so far, Celebrity Big Brother 2014 has generated more column inches in publications not owned by Channel 5 boss Richard Desmond than the previous series won by Geordie Shoreâs Charlotte Crosby?
Still not enough? OK - Second Sync, the leading measurement analysts of social media, reported that Celebrity Big Brother was the most tweeted about TV show on Tuesday 29 January with nearly 76,000 tweets. In second place was Hollyoaks with just over 6,383 tweets.
Let's take another day, say, Monday 13 January: Celebrity Big Brother topped Second Sync's leaderboard with over 60,000 tweets in total.
What makes that even more impressive is second place went to Channel 4âs controversial Benefits Street (just under 46,000 tweets). Itâs easier to climb through the eye of a needle than avoid all the hullabaloo about Benefits Street â and yet, according to the stats, Celebrity Big Brother was, and is, the show everyone wants to talk about.
Check the timelines of names varying from Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais - "Never thought I'd feel sorry for Jim Davidson. #CBB") to Phillip Schofield (â@Schofe - "Finally caught up with #CBB complete genius, well done to the team. 'Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word' was a triumph").
Why? For me, it's an irresistible combination of - what turned out to be - the cast of reality TV heaven and producers who were all too willing to exploit every opportunity for televisual theatre.
Since Big Brotherâs switch to Channel 5, I cannot remember a more heated series â not just in terms of quarrels and fights, but also on the hormones front. In the first few days, we saw more nipples, bums, boobs, snogging and girl-on-girl action than in an average copy of Hustler.
Who can forget the raunchy game of truth or dare in the bath played by N-Dubz singer Dappy, The Apprenticeâs Luisa Zissman and American starlet Jasmine Waltz? The sight of Dappy continually adjusting his shorts (guess why?) was stomach churning.
And then there was the âplayerâ shenanigans of Blue singer Lee Ryan and his horrid torrid love triangle. He spent the first couple of days handcuffed to 34GG-sized glamour model Casey Batchelor. Whatâs a boy to do in those circumstances except act on his hormones?
So Lee and Casey got cosy and intimate and Lee promised her the earth... and then he realised that he had the hots for Jasmine so he did the exact same thing with the American, rubbing his attraction to her all over Caseyâs face.
Hurt and humiliated, the busty model (rightly) gave Lee a piece of her mind, but that didnât stop her from exchanging saliva with him again. Lee, who clearly hadnât learnt his lesson the first couple of times around, scuttled back to Jasmine and upped the ante by talking marriage.
Wild declarations of love were followed by a pretence of getting jiggy on the floor. Only, there wasn't much pretending going on; there was jiggy, but no jiggy-jiggy.
Celebrity Bonk Brother
Leeâs behaviour has disgusted viewers, but he continued to do all his thinking with the body part south of his belly button; inside the Big Brother house, he was the cock with two hens clucking for him. If this was a soap opera storyline, you wouldnât believe it. But as many-a-housemate has observed, everything is intensified under those conditions.
The action broadcast over this series has been so explicit that Leeâs revelation of his sexual experimentation with men and Dappy describing the size of his manhood (in front of 82-year-old Lionel Blair!) as âa babyâs arm holding an appleâ seems virtually tame now.
Itâs the reality of [so-called in some instances] celebrities behaving like horny-nobody-15-minutes-of-fame-hungry-housemates that has proved so compelling. Didnât these people realise they were on TV? Werenât they worried about their reputations? If not, they should have been.
But away from the sexual antics and the sexual politics were the fascinating dynamics: comedian Jim Davidson and singer Linda Nolan could barely tolerate each other. And after he told Luisa to ask Linda about "Frank Carson's dressing room", her hatred for him is such, it could power the planet.
Dappy and Luisa had a bizarre love-hate relationship which resulted in an explosive fight; she â rightly â accused the rapper of being a chauvinist over his double-standards on the subject of promiscuity in men and women.
As if that wasn't enough, thereâs an unexplained undercurrent between Jim Davidson and Lionel Blair which appears to suggest they donât like each other as much as they pretend to face-to-face.
Jasmine and Casey are now frenemies because of Lee and, of all people, Lionel and Luisa had a couple of really nasty arguments.
Underpinning and enhancing the various relationships were the tasks and twists. Some have actually been genius. It all got off to a less-than-promising start when housemates were shackled together pre-entrance to the house; the execution fell rather flat and it didnât bode well.
Unforgettable Big Brother tasks
However, the overplayed âfake eviction into a secret houseâ became mesmerising viewing because the two evictees were Casey and Lee. They were forced to spend time alone together in an even smaller space just as he'd transferred his affections to Jasmine. Ouch.
The amusing North Pole task gave us housemates dressed as husky dogs (and Casey promising Lee "a doggy treat") and I'll also flag up the hilariously absurd Aliens task (which went a bit bushtucker trial/Iâm A Celebrity on us at one point resulting in Jim throwing his guts up in the garden).
A word also for the Democracy task in which housemates were unaware their votes didnât count because they were living in a Jim Davidson dictatorship.
He voted Linda Nolan the most boring and her punishment was having to watch paint dry â only, the paint was poured all over her. Cruel, Jim. But very, very funny.
However, the standout tasks were 18 Certificate and For Whom The Bells Toll. The former was watch-through-your-hands stuff as the housemates provided viewing content suitable for older (18 certificate) and younger (U certificate) fans.
The housemates in the 18-room - Jasmine, Ollie Locke, Luisa, Lee and Lionel - brought back memories of the controversial music video for Frankie Goes To Hollywood's Relax. It was seriously X-rated stuff thanks to Lee pole-dancing in tiny latex trunks while Luisa and Jasmine locked lips in their flesh-revealing corsets and sexy stockings. I had to check I was watching Channel 5 and not Television X.
I thought that task couldn't possibly be topped, but fans will be talking about For Whom The Bell Tolls years from now because, simply put, it was epic. Housemates had to freeze every time they heard the grandfather clock toll. While they were frozen, special guests entered the house ranging from family and friends to pets. Viewers were treated to Blue singing One Love (was that a hint to Lee?) and Luisa getting a kiss off Duncan James - a dream come true for her because she thinks he's "fit".
But then - DRAMA! Jasmine Waltz re-entered the house to confront Casey and Lee about their sexually suggestive behaviour.
She berated Casey for making moves on Lee and she blasted Lee for messing around with people's emotions. He couldn't sit there and take it - so he 'un-froze' to justify his actions, insisting that he and Casey were just "friends". The entire scene made my jaw drop to Australia.
This is what happens when a juicy storyline in the Big Brother house collides with a task of pure and utter brilliance. It was capped by Lee in the diary room trying to say apologise to Jasmine to the strains of Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word, Blue's 2002 hit with Elton John. Laugh? I nearly wet myself. Bravo, Big Brother producers. Bravo!
For Whom The Bell Tolls had one final twist: presenter Emma Willis popped into the house to take evicted Lee Ryan out of it.
It should be fairly obvious why I havenât devoted much time to Evander Holyfield (who was rightly evicted early), journalist Liz Jones (who is unbelievably insecure), Made In Chelseaâs Ollie Locke (who is making up the numbers) and TOWIEâs Sam Faiers (who is largely anonymous). But thanks to all the other housemates for nearly a month - twice extended! - of gobsmacking, unmissable madness.
Celebrity Big Brother winter 2014 - you won January.
@Coops_tv: http://tv.uk.msn.com/reality-tv/cel
