three men died on xmas eve-they got to the gates of heaven and st peter said 'you cannot come in unless you have something relevent to celebrate the birth of jesus'
the first man got a lighter out of his pocket and lit it and said 'this represents a candle'
st peter let him in
2nd bloke took a bunch of keys out of his pocket, jangled them and said'this represents the xmas bells' and he got in
the third bloke is there for ages checking his pockets and eventually pulled out a pair of pants 'can i come in' he says
'why-why would i let you in when youre waving a pair of dirty old drawers?'

'theyre carols' said the man

the other day i met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes
i phoned her up to ask for a date
but they told me she'd popped her clogs

That wasn't as funny as the first one but I'm still laughing, so it's probably time to go to bed ...

quote:

Originally posted by Shar:


That wasn't as funny as the first one but I'm still laughing, so it's probably time to go to bed ...

I meant the second joke ... I like the clogs one ...

OH is telling me these!

Brilliant! The first 2 made me laugh out loud!

a man goes in to the papershop cos he wants chocolate-he asks for a 'twirl' and a 'boost' the shopkeeper spins him round and said 'honey, you look beautiful today'

louie and pepe are lost in the desert-when louie says 'pepe, i can smell bacon, can you?'
'no, i cannot, you are aving a mirage louie' says pepe
'no no pepe i smell eet, i tell you eet is not far' says louie
they crawl a bit further when they see a tree-its covered in bacon, smoked, streaky, middle, back-in fact every type of bacon you can think of
'pepe pepe-i told you eet was bacon' says louie and he legs it to the tree-then all of the sudden shots ring out and louie got shot
in his dying breathe he shouts 'pepe pepe eets not a bacon tree-its a ham bush'

you ungrateful miserable gits-they were funny!
ish

quote:

Originally posted by china:
a man goes in to the papershop cos he wants chocolate-he asks for a 'twirl' and a 'boost' the shopkeeper spins him round and said 'honey, you look beautiful today'

pmsl

quote:

Originally posted by madamski:

quote:

Originally posted by china:
a man goes in to the papershop cos he wants chocolate-he asks for a 'twirl' and a 'boost' the shopkeeper spins him round and said 'honey, you look beautiful today'

pmsl

awwww!

thanks

im only posting these as im pissed
im glad someone laughed

i'm still in middle of txtn that to ma pal ...... is funny

quote:

Originally posted by china:
you ungrateful miserable gits-they were funny!
ish

O yes ... shall we carry on watching you ?

Nice one

quote:

Originally posted by Heatseek:
Nice one

heatseek
i had a go a cheering people up during the current climate

it might not have worked but i tried
i maybe slightly drunk but i think it might be improving my spelling
i shall now drink from dusk 'til dawn 'til the day arrives that i maketh you laugh
but i will not hold my breathe for i fear that day shall not come

but apart from that goodnight God bless-i think it is my bedtime

quote:

Originally posted by china:
you ungrateful miserable gits-they were funny!
ish

They will always be funny

English

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
A: Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the
intestines.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: What is the equator?
A: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Q: Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
A: Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by
fitting them with catalytic converters.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water of the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What is a fossil?
A: A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: Briefly describe the function of the skeleton.
A: The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the
outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat onto.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: Where are the Tibia?
A: They live in a country in North Africa.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a coma?
A: A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Sociology

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What is a social node?
A: A friend you have known for a very long time.

Medical

Q: What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised in
a road accident?
A: Wrap them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.

Q: What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
A: The kiss of death.

Q: What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
A: 1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

Q: How would you treat a head cold?
A: Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.

Q: What is an enema?
A: Someone who is not your friend.

Botany

Q: What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
A: The rectum.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What is rhubarb?
A: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Q: Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised?
A: 1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3.Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.

Physics

Q: What is momentum?
A: What you give a body when they are going away.

Q: What is a vacuum.
A: A large empty space where the pope lives.

A university lecturer was discussing
the anatomy of the male genitalia of various African tribes. He went on, "The Zulu tribe is known to have the longest penis."

It was starting to get embarrassing for the female students. One girl at the back of the lecture hall decided she'd had enough and walked out. She had just reached the door when the lecturer called out, "There's no hurry, madam. The next plane to Johannesberg doesn't leave until 9.30 Saturday morning."