Biggest hugs ever sweetie...please talk to us..

I just want to be a better nicer person but I don't know how to be that person. I have upset a friend. A friend who is very difficult to upset and annoy and stupid, stupid, stupid me has done it! I have become an auntie again and I am so insanely jealous. I miss my angel babies so much and yet I think maybe they're up there thinking they had a lucky escape. I hate who I am right now. Too many other things going on in my life which is bogging me down.

Why can't I stop crying? I don't want to be here.

Thank you slimfern.

LB .................I really am not good at this sort of thing but ................we all feel down from time to time and bellieve me - none of us are perfect or have perfect lives.

I know that you've lost babies and I cannot even imagine how that feels but ............I'm not sure but - you do have one child don't you? You really owe it to him/her to be positive and to appreciate what you have. I'm certain that the friend you've upset will (eventually) understand that you were simply having a bad moment.

Don't think that everyone else has it all sewn up .......................everyone has problems. If you've made mistakes simply own up and apologise - then move on. Life is what you make it ............if you can wake up each morning and try to make the best of the day for you and your baby ....................force a smile - have a laugh and get through each day that way ...........you'll soon start believing in yourself.
Awwwwwwwwwwww what do I know? I just think you shouldn't beat yourself up .........tomorrow is another day.

Stay strong LB.

am new here but can understand your problems. look forward to bb11 and stay positive.

Lazybug!

I really think you should get some help. You may have had grief counselling already, but I think you need more, and soon.
What you've been through is horrific, and you need to find a way to come to terms with it. Your babies are resting in peace, but you need to find peace for yourself, and your lovely family!

omg. i hadn't realised how deep this stuation is. Seek help as blizzie says this should be a happy time for you as it is for the rest of us bb 11 starting.

Your feelings are more than understandable luv. And they are probably much more universal than you can even imagine! Having jealously about someone else in a different situation than you is very natural, in all aspects of all peoples lives. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a real person. As I've said before... keep talking to us about it. 

Lazybug....they have not have a lucky escape having you as a mummy...you will always be their mummy, and the fact that you love them so much and always will is testament of that. I remember reading your blog (one of the few I've read on here) and feeling such empathy and sympathy for you.
We all breakdown from time to time, upset others and upset ourselves...the fact that you can even type those words means that you are ready to say those words and seek some help. Keep talking it through to someone, anyone

Lazybug, you are not a bad person and your babies were lucky to have you as their mum. They were obviously much loved and much wanted children and will live on in your heart.
I am sure you are feeling very alone at the moment but there is help out there. Please speak to your GP and explain how you are feeling. Don't forget your forum friends are here for you, if you want to talk.

Lazybug, from personal experience I can tell from your postings that you may be suffering from clinical depression - that is when just feeling depressed from time to time which is normal becomes an illness. Feelings that you are not a nice person and that your babies might have had a lucky escape are symptoms of clinical depression and you do need to talk to your doctor about these as soon as possible. Your doctor will be able to tell very quickly if you are suffering from clinical depression and, if so, will be able to help you.

As Xochi and others have said, talking about your feelings do help - it's the people who bottle their emotions up who can have serious problems.

And Yogi's post which was posted after I started my posting gives much the same advice.

LB, my heart goes out to you
Please don't ever believe you're worthless. You're not - you're just someone who has been through a terrible experience and is still hurting. Completely understandable.

You're actually very brave. Talking about these awful feelings isn't easy, but you have taken an important step. Blizzie and Loro are right, there is help out there and you deserve it. Time to stop worrying about what other people think (if they are true friends, they'll understand) and concentrate on taking care of you.

Meanwhile, we're all here any time you want to talk.

MAN EBTERS THREAD TO SORT IT OUT


Lazybug - if you have erred well thats ok cos we all do. Have you broke your neck to put it right? If not - get off your arse and say how sorry you are ... and save the tears for the person you upset and not yourself. Tell them you have no excuses and need forgiveness and that in itself will make you feel much much better
Now jump to it!!


See - thats a man for you

Renton, if you knew what Lazybug had been through, you probably wouldn't have posted that.

Aww lazybug others are right you do sound like you have depression - please try and get help and please don't feel worthless. I feel a bit down myself today but now selfish after reading your post (although I have lost a child myself and have been hospitalised with depression) SO i do know how you feel.
Keep posting and keep talking. There are some lovely people on this forum

Jeez Renton...you are such an oaf sometimes...bloody hell!

LB
There are lots of us here who suffer with depression and other mental problems. It helps to talk but I understand that sometimes it's too much effort to post.
You need to have some professional help with this. Go to your doctor and ask if they can refer you to either bereavement counselling or CBT.
There is no guarantee that they will work but they will give you mechanisms to help you cope when you do feel very low. There can be a long waiting list though so good luck.

Lazybug... 

I agree with what the others say...  you are clinically depressed hon.   &... I think you need to give CBT a go.

TBH I doubt any of us could go through what you have been through and not need some help afterwards.

Self loathing is a horrible emotion... really horrible ...   I'm another one who is speaking from personal experience here...  you need a bit of help to get your bodies chemistry stable... then your mindset stable.. just a bit of help... then you will be able to look at things more clearly and make any adjustments to your life you think necessary, but from a position of clarity.

& keep hanging on bird...   nothing stays the same for ever...  you will come through this... you just need a bit of help, .... given what you have been through I think most of us would xxx

I'll just add to the voices that have already offered the good advice of talking to your GP about some counselling We're always here if you want to talk, and I wouldn't worry too much about your friend, I'm sure she will come round with time and talking

nothing more I can add that has not already been said, but i can offer you one of these

you are very brave to post your feelings on here Lazybug and my heart goes out to you, keep talking even if it is just to us if you dont feel you can go to your doctor yet

I've just popped on and saw your post i don't know the full story but reading between the lines i would really hope that you talk to someone like a doctor you'll be amazed how talking about stuff makes you feel

If this was recent your hormones will be all over the place and it's difficult to think straight is it possible for you to get a break away somewhere? please let us know how you are and please book an appointment today x good luck

A very wise post suzy Such wise words too from El Loro and Yogi, and Renton is really just trying to help in his own way.

Lazybug  I can only echo what other members have said and to seek more help.

Lazybug, I have been in the same place as you and felt the same.  Hun, the wise words on here are true, please get yourself to the doctors and get some counselling and a little help as it's what you need.  I only lost one baby and it was indescribable the pain and grief you feel, 20 years on and I still hurt, especially near to the day it happened and the baby's due date (next month it would have been).  If you want to talk privately about it, then please do not hesitate to message me and we can talk or I can just listen.... what ever helps.

I did go to the doctors eventually and was given a course of anti depressants which helped, but the counselling I received helped more.  Please hun, make yourself an appointment and go and see your doctor, you will cry, but they will help ~ honestly. 

Becoming an auntie again has possibly triggered you off as well.  I had the same kind of feelings back in November when it happened to me, the why is it she  can have the baby and I can't?  Holding a baby and having to hand it back, all things that make you shrivel a little inside.  The hurt never goes away, but time is a healer, you have setbacks along the way, but eventually you will heal a little.  All I can say is, I hope your friend comes to understand why and give your little one a big cuddle (from me as well).  Sorry to hijack your thread with my story, but as I said earlier please don't hesitate to contact me if you want to talk.

My thought's are with you xxx

Aw LB i've not been on here much either and can't really give you any advice but felt i had to say i'm thinking of you and be strong - listen please do LISTEN to the wonderful advice already give xx

Pink Babe.. and all others going through a stressful  time.

I do hope the wonderful wise advice on here from those who have been through similar experiences is helping Lazybug, there is so much caring, on here and in general.  Never feel you are on your own.

LB....bless you. I can only agree with everyoone else and encourage you to seek help. It is never too late for counselling....my Grandma died 16yrs ago and I have only just begun to see my counsellor (3rd session today) and despite the crying, it is helping. I too have lost babies (through miscarriage) and am also going to talk about them to my counsellor....I rang my local Cruse and had a home visit within a week...they are fabulous.


Please, LB, go to your docs and get the help you need and deserve. And Cruse really are very good, if you haven't already seen them.


All you can do with regards to your friend is apologise...I'm sure that they will understand if you explain how low you are right now xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Very true Squiggle....this is often the first place I come to when I need advice or a cyber hug!

Forgive me for this Lazybug... but if I can just use your thread for a sec...

MrsB!!  I was wondering how you were getting on with the counselling   I'm glad its helping you...   we miss you!   You know where we are Mrs! 

Been thinking of you all day LB after reading this thread this morning. Hope you are feeling a little better today.

Lazybug , first let me echo what the guys have said , you are not alone and there is plenty of help out there.

I recently went through a period of complete despair and hopelessness. Everything just felt impossible and that I had no way out. It was all so dark.

However , I got through it and I know you will aswell. Talk to your GP and remember your friends on here are always going to be ready to talk to you and help you through things

Take care

Me too I read it first thing and didn't respond as I didn't know what to say ... and still don't really.

Just put yourself first Lazybug ... don't worry about your friend, look after you

I've just read a blog that you wrote and i can't believe what you have been through.


I really hope you come back and tell us you have spoken to someone you sound so low i'll keep popping on to see how you are

Please please talk to someone and really think about yourself first and tell your friends how you feel.

thats good advice.   when I had a breakdown... I didn't realise thats what was happening.  My friends husband apparently had a breakdown.. she'd come home and found him sobbing at the kitchen table... incoherant.   

it was the same friend that told me I WAS having a breakdown... I'd kept waiting for this moment of incoherancy..or being unaware or something to happen... something dramatic... but it was the friend that quietly said to me "it doesn't happen like that... it happens over time... little by little... things happen and they accumulate...but because its over time you cannot always see what is happening yourself.  Right now you have to look after yourself, & do what is needed for your sake.  you have to put yourself first for a while".

was good advice.  but more than that.... having someone explain what a breakdown actually was... and that I was having one was actually the turning point for me.

I will just add... that although there is not supposed to be a stigma with depression, breakdowns & mental illness... I still cringe when I admit to it.   I cringed typing my last post.    So... I get how difficult it can be to go to a doctor, or a professional.. or even your spouse and say "I am depressed/having a breakdown"...  its a really hard thing to do...  I still mumble it if I have to actually say it.

It's because of the way society sees people with mental illnesses Ditty. They either think we're a bunch of workshy shirkers living the life of Reilly on benfits or about to axe murder their first born. My birth mother was a diagnosed schizophreniac so I know there is a world of difference between different mental illnesses just like having a cold is different from cancer. No one has any trouble seeing the difference when it is physical illness but paint everyone with mental illness witht he same brush
I struggle with severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety and agoraphobia. I've recently come out of a really bad couple of months when I didn't post on here or do anything much really so I understand how LB is feeling.

see Veggie... I never knew that about you... and I sat here reading that thinking "omg.. I would never have thought that of her..."  

but this is exactly what people think about me...  people perceive me as strong.. & therefore don't think I could possibly struggle in this way.   I have, quietly & with much summoned courage, told my mum three times that I have had a breakdown.. & she still doesn't believe it, or didn't hear me, or just brushes it off as me being overdramatic" 

I am a lot better now... my final hurdle will be getting back out there to work (which was the final straw that led me to breaking down)... having overcome the not going out stage, the not answering my phone stage, the not dealing with anything or anyone stage...  

And though brought on by different (& by comparison much lesser stuff) than the things Lazybug is dealing with...  I know the feeling of self loathing & wanting to not be in your own skin...