I can actually recall him telling that joke.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into." 

What did one deoxyribonucleic acid say to another? Do these genes make me look fat?

Yes! Out of all the Bob Monkhouse jokes I admire, that's probably the only one we can use on a family forum such as this one. My own favourite would probably get me banned.

The old dichotomy of good jokes being risque and yet funny.

i saw some pallbearers carry a coffin round the cemetery for an hour! i thought to myself 'theyve lost the plot'

 

 

I like this thread.

I went to see the Nurse today, she told me to stop W@nking, I said why, she said I'm trying to examine you

 

 

thats a bit rude

but made me laugh

 

Whats got 12 heads and 3 teeth? The Jeremy Kyle Show

Ta. I could not remember. 

  That made me splutter my supper!

This made me splutter my cup of tea

 

You are naughty pirate

Oddly enough we have been laughing at George Gently. The accents are usually amusing but now I've seen Lucy Cohu's interpretation of a pit yacker wife my life is complete!

I've got the Julian Clary CD and there's a similar joke on there which had me ROFL.

 

The Doctor told me I had to stop putting root vegetables in my anus ---------I said 'why?' - she said - because I'm trying to examine you

Two nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, 
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in 
this country actually eat dogs." 

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall 
live in America , we might as well do as the  
Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, 
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both 
walk towards the hot dog cart.  

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very  
pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and  
hands them over.  Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench  
and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother  superior is first to open hers. 
She begins to blush, and then, after staring 
at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in 
a soft brogue  whispers:

"What part did you get?"

I always go to work wearing baggy trousers in honour of my favourite band. My wife thinks it's Madness

How many tech-support people does it take to change a light bulb?

I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and then on again?

 

.

To err is human, to successfully blame it on someone else shows management potential.

I’m a dyslexic, atheist, insomniac.

I stay up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

 True!