Like it!

Nuts just take up space were chocolate should be .

I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!

What do you call a group of musical pigs?
An oinkestra!

It’s hard to beat a boiled egg in the morning.

 You're on a roll.

What do expensive muesli and a 13amp socket have in common? Alternating currants.

Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms!

 Erin. Joining in the pun posting  

If you ever get onto a plane and recognise a friend called Jack, don’t shout ‘Hi Jack!’

What did the stamp collector say when he was complimented? ‘Philately will get you no where’.

* groans*  

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

If you choke a smurf what colour does it turn ?

A man just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of
national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in
case they have to close Poundstretcher.

I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again

I said to a Scotsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'" 

A patient went to see the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The psychiatrist said: ‘Well, I can clearly see your nuts’.

Whats the difference between a smart English man and a unicorn?
Nothing , they're both fictional characters

Did you know six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy, but only one out of seven is Grumpy.

Well done Erin

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'.

He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'

I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.

I went in to a pet shop. I said,

"Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?"

I said,

"I don't care what star sign it is."

A man thought he might have an STD and went to the clinic.

The doctor asked -

'Does your penis burn after sex?'

He replied

'Don't know - I've never tried to light it.'

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.

They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Took my grandson out for lunch - he was offered ice cream for dessert. The waitress said 'do you want hundreds and thousands' - he looked a bit startled and said 'no .....only one.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

Now I know that one, which comedian said it?

Bob Monkhouse.