ha ha ha !!!

Why is McDonalds not in Egypt?

Cos you can't offer people 'an extra thick shake' 

I’ve got 22 notches on my bedpost.

It’s not easy trying to stab somebody in the dark.

For lent, I have decided to give up sexual innuendos.

It’s so hard.

The other day, my mate asked me what I thought of Internet Message boards…

I said I’m all forum.

Just realised that I’ve stumbled into a Will Young concert.

I think I better leave right now.

LOL

Was on a ship the other day.

The water was full of meat.

I thought - that looks choppy

We’ve kicked this emu out of our club because he was too big.

He’s been ostrich sized.

Looks like I won’t be posting any more jokes on here for a while. The police are on to me, they know about my obsession with stealing swimming pool inflatables.

I gotta lilo.

I just ordered 10,000 bottles of TippEx.

I made a massive mistake.

My wife left the computer for a few seconds and came back in accusing me of tampering with her emails.

I quickly changed the subject.

My friend lost a bet so now he has to let a Rastafarian cut his hair.

He’s dreading it.

Every time I have sex, the image of the Russian president comes to my head.

It keeps Putin me off.

My friend died in the strong winds the other day when a lemon tree fell on his head.

It was a bitter blow.

The wife said we need more garden furniture.

I’m sitting on the fence.

I named my dumbbells Sainsburys and Morrisons.

I’m a shoplifter.

@ this thread.

I went to the zoo and all they had to exhibit was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

Rick Astley asked if he could lend my Pixar DVDs. I said to him: “You can lend Wall-E and the Toy Stories but I’m never gonna give you Up.”

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Ringo Starr’s most complex drumming.

Kate Middleton asks the Queen the secret of a successful marriage. 

The Queen says “Wear a seatbelt and don’t piss me off”.

I had a fight with a man on some moving stairs today.

We started arguing at the bottom and things just escalated from there.

Do I agree that education is getting too expensive?

To a degree, yes.

My boss asked me if I would make it into work with the adverse weather conditions. 

I said “there’s snow stopping me.” 

Can’t understand why he was so upset when I didn’t turn up.

I’ve started dating couches, but I’ve had no luck sofa.

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I’m easily lead.

These are brilliant EC!  

EC

Thanks Kaffy . I think some of them are in the style of Tim Vine. I like his wordplay style.

that's my kind of humour.   i follow Boothby Graffoe on Twitter - he comes out with a few

As a bi-polar morbidly obese disco dancing champion I suffered from terrible moob swings.

I said, "I want my shoes to shine." He said "Have you tried polish?" I said "Chcę, aby moje buty świecić."

"EU" sounds like an American girl finding something unpleasant

If they don't want to be kicked they shouldn't call themselves ballboys.#hazard

My English teacher started every lesson about the metaphysical poets by walking into the classroom and saying, “My work here is Donne.”

 I don't like letters. You can't count on them.

It's hard to be a German in denial without calling the police.

I like Tim Vine - he's daft (I think he models himself on Ken Dodd)

Great opening gag, Soozy!

Went to the gym and asked if i could take some lessons.

The gym instructor asked,

"How flexible are you?"

I said,

"Well - i can't make tuesdays"