Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practise exercises, you will be totally prepared...And you can do this right in your own home!!
Exercise 1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on it for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn’t effective enough!!
Exercise 2
Visit your garage at 3am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take of your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tyre of the car. Ask your friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turnover and repeat for the other breast!!
Exercise 3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room and ask them to insert your breast between the bookends. Then ask the stranger to smash the bookends together as hard as they can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!
Now you have nothing to worry about when you go for your mammogram.
... and just a thought for all you women out there:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause
Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men???
And when we have real problems, it’s (HISterectomy & GUYnocologist!!)
******************
So Go And Get Your Mammies Grammed!
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law
Guarded them very carefully
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care
My Gyno Dr Pruitt
Said I should get a mammogram
“OK” I said “Let’s do it.”
“Stand up here real close” she said
(She got my boob in line)
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said
“Ah yes! Right there, that’s fine”
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down
My boobies in a vice!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt
Within its vice-like grip
A prisoner in this vicious thing
My poor defenceless tit!
“Take a deep breath” she said to me
Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine
And woozy I am getting.
“There that’s good,” I heard her say
(The room was slowly swaying)
“Now let’s have a go at the other one”
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from each side
I’ll bet SHE’s never had this done
To HER tender little hide.
Next time they make me do this
I will request a blindfold
I have no wish to see again
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there
It would have gone “ker-pow”
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there
And see how they come out.
On the plus side. My first one didn't happen until last year when I turned 50 
Originally Posted by Mount Olympus *Olly*:
