i received a water bill, for far too much money, i'm not bothered though because it's on a meter, so i phone the water companyy and  ask them when they last read the meter.

when you moved in april and again in june, i am told.

brilliant! so all i have to do is read the meter again and the bill will be put right.

where is the meter, i ask.

it's opposite the bin storage area and laid into the grass, it's the under a  metal plate the size of  a saucer, you'll need a flathead screwdriver to release the plate. 

well' it's been snowing , so i wait for that to melt and wander out today to read the meter and there isn't a feckin saucer sized plate in the grass or anywhere else.
 
i've kicked up all the leaves, squelched through wet moss got  muddy knees ,trod in cat shit, the neighbours have had their worst fears confirmed that i am bonkers and still no feckin meter

why isn't it under the sink? or  near the house/ does it even exist...