Oh dear sweetie

I'm so sorry I don't know what to say (but I know some fabulous person on here will).

Is there anyway you could sit him down and explain to him how you feel , or maybe even her? Maybe she doesn't know she is being like this.

Sorry not to be of anymore help but have a hug my lovely

  I have never been in that position, so can't offer any words of wisdom.  It must be tearing you apart.

We tried to tell him and that was when he started telling us he'd broken off all contact with her. I can only talk to him on the phone and he won't discuss this at all - suddenly goes deaf, or there's someone at the door. My brother can't get to speak to him away from Joan. I have an aunt who lives in the village and she says all his old friends - a lot of them who've known Joan for over 40 years - have tried to talk to him because she's got a reputation for using people but he's fallen out with them all because of her. So now he won't step away no matter what because he's alienated everyone he knows locally and she's all he's got for company! I don't even know if he's happy with her.

Oh gosh! You couldn't ambush her could you? (I don't mean with machetes and masks on) but you couldn't just appear at her door and try and chat woman to woman.

You know , he's my Dad and I miss him , you had a Dad Joan , how would you feel type thing?

Sorry I know I'm not being very helpful but I don't have one (a Dad I mean) not a Joan (although incidentally I don't have one of those either)

Blondie, I really feel for you, as you obviously love your dad and want what's best for him. I think I would try to have a chat with him and explain, gently, how you feel. I would avoid any criticism of Joan as he probably doesn't want to hear anything negative about her. I would just concentrate the conversation on how sad you feel about this gulf which seems to have developed between you.

I've never been in the situation Blondie, but I agree with Yogi......   in the meantime  

Blondie, could it be that your dad is scared of being lonely without this woman? Both you and your brother seem a bit far away to just drop in (no criticism at all, I'm just mentioning it from the practical point of view) and he might feel that he can put up with her bossyness in return for the company. Talking about it with you or anybody else probably scares him too because it means some serious considerations about his future.

blondie, I just want to give you a big hug
family is family & you just have to put up with it unfortunately. Be as nice to this woman as possible (infront of your dad - making sure to show how happy you are that he has her for love & support). Lean down while shes in her wheel chair with lots of people around & threaten her. Scare the crap out of her. Yes your dad deserves to be happy but so do you.

Thats a lovely sentiment...especially with Christmas just around the corner!!

Bloody hell...

He sounds like a wonderful man, and at 83 after a stroke and 3 heart attacks, as you say, the top priority is to not give him any extra stress.

I was going to say you should drop a house on her, But perhaps we should do Abo first  

Do you get on with your in-laws???

I think most of them are at the bottom of the local pond with cement shoes

loosen her wheel nuts

Abo ... behave

Blondie ... I don't know what to say, but big hugs to you

ABO  

Exactly what I was thinking. I'm sure he loves his family but ...................being old and on your own isn't nice - sometimes company (any company) is better than being alone. I'm sure he doesn't mean to alienate you but he's getting on in years and probably isn't up to cleaning out bedrooms and getting rid of his stuff so you can stay over. As for your Dad becoming her 'carer' - it's probably financially beneficial to both of them to do that. It really is an incredibly sad situation but ................I'm really not sure what you can do about it TBH

my dad is 77 and my mum died 10yrs ago  ....   he has since caught up with a women , she's blind and he does help her out  but to be honest he is not fit for all the running around  but i think he is dependant on the company  ( me and my sis work all day )  difference is my dad denies all knowledge of his comings and goings but forgets i work in a very public place  and i get told ,  maybe he feels guilt coz my mums not here anymore ?n

people, if you're parent (who you love) is slowly being manipulated away from you, you need to fight fire with fire. I am a person now who believes in ME & MINE first, everybody else second. I lost my family because of manipulation & lies. Now I wish I had got in there first & controlled the situation my way.

i'm trying abo   but how do i fight gainst a blind woman who says she is dependant on my dad ...... i did say ffs she must have carers ?

I don't know what to suggest but have a .

Hi Blondie


This is a bit of a dilemma isn't it?  I know that family can be extremely difficult and stressful, and I'm not gonna go on about issues I have had in the past, as this is about you...  but trust me, I have had many a headache because of extended family, parents and grandparents.  And I have shed many a tear...


I am sorry that you're feeling bad about this, and hope my replies don't come across as rude or harsh...


I just wondered, if your husband has a Phd, and is very bright, and has a great management job, why you have to go by train, another train, then bus, then taxi and so on.  Do you not have a car?  I'm not saying everyone on the planet should automatically have a car, it just surprises me, particularly as your husband has a well paid job, and you have a chronic illness (arthritis) that you don't have a car.  If not, have you thought about contacting motability, because you should be entitled to one, I would think.


Also, I have to agree with several folk here, that it's really his life, and he has to live it as he wants.  In his 80s he may be, but people in their 80s aren't daft, and I am sure that he would know if the woman was just an evil cow, who was tapping him for everything she could get from him, and was totally controlling him. 


She is in a wheelchair and presumably elderly herself, so I am sure she's not harmful.  She is probably just bolshy; and let's face it *some* people DO get bolshy and rude and thoughtless with age.  I have shed many a tear over comments from elderly aunts and older relatives, who think it fit to make crass and thoughtless comments.



I do agree also, that any company is better than none, for a lot of people; that is why people stay in dead or dull and boring marriages.  Because it's better and easier than being alone, and you do have company if you DO want to do something/go somewhere (on holiday or to a works' do or whatever..)  And it's easier sharing the bills and outgoings on two incomes too.



As you live some four hours away, there's not a lot you can do really, and as he is a grown up, you can't do anything about what is going on, unless you can prove she is lacing his food with arsenic or anti freeze LOL.


Regarding where to stay, can you not book a travelodge or something similar closeby, for 2 or 3 nights or so?  there must be SOMEwhere to stay within a decent distance (a travelodge or B and B, or something...)  Write to him and let him know you're coming in the next month or so (say after Christmas maybe, or just before,) and then ring him (or write,) and confirm it with him when you will be there.  If you get no response, go anyway, because you will have let him know by mail when you are coming....  Many travelodges are offering cheap rooms online from mid to late December.  (AND January and February...0  Then you could travel up there and check in and relax, and then contact him and let him know you're coming in an hour or the next day.


If this doesn't work, and he just doesn't respond, or 'isn't in,' and you blatantly can NOT get through to him and can't get to visit, then write to him, and explain you have done everything you can to try and visit, and there seems to have been every obstacle placed in our way, (mainly the fact that you can't get hold of him, or his lady friend seems to not like company much at present,...)  so you'll leave it up to him to make the next move. 


Then you may just have to wait unfortunately,  But do try the 2 or 3 days visit several times before throwing in the towel.  If you never see him again (though I seriously doubt that will happen,) at least you can take comfort in the fact that you did all you could.  If you DO throw in the towel, I just mean, stop attempting to visit, you can still send greetings cards (and gifts) yes even for HER LOL.  And maybe on your third or fourth attempt to visit, they may actually be polite enough to see you.

Good luck, and try not to worry about things you can't control.  Easier said than done I know... but don't let you Crimbo be ruined.  If your dad won't/can't see you in the next few weeks; just send him AND her a gift and card, and drop him a line saying you will contact him after Christmas and will come see them in the first couple of months of next year.  But don't get wound up. 

Blondiecat, I have no words of advice but wish to send u a hug sorry I can't be of any help

I agree with Yogi... a little chat to tell him that you miss him and would like to spend more time together might be best. I also agree not to criticise Joan, it might make him happier if you include her in your suggestion of meeting up - even if you have to do it grudgingly

I agree a lot with what Frosty has said Blondie.

However, I would not stop until I have personally spoken to your dad alone.  I have to say I'd be concerned as to why you can't get through to him without her needing to be within earshot.  I think Frosty's idea of booking a cheap hotel/BB over a couple of days is a good idea and then phoning to say you are coming over in one hour is also good.   It is possible he is with her for company and there's nothing wrong with that and as others have said, he's old enough to make his own decisions.

You still need to keep in contact and if possible try and include her in as many things as possible, however, I think she's probably scared you are trying to take your dad away from her so she may be acting out of fear!  I also think it's wrong of him to isolate himself away from all his own friends although who of us hasn't had a friend who's gone off the radar when they've got a new bf/gf?

Persevere and good luck to you

Fair enough but I dont think threatening the woman in her wheelchair will do anyone any favours.