Just be open and honest and help prepare him for what ever it is he decides to do and be there to mop up the tears 

leave it.

my mum & dad divorced when i was a baby.. was legally adopted by my dad, whose name i have.

to cut a long story short i met up with him about 7 years ago.he married shortly after the divorce to a woman with 5 kids & adopted all of them.

I never had a card or anything for over 30 years... and when we met he said that if his wife was still alive he would not have met me.  (she died about 10 years ago apparently)

well. at that point I decided that this `man` was not worth the effort if he placed his wifes feelings ahead of his only child. havent seen him since

Cinds, I really feel for you.

I would give him as much, or as little, information as you feel he can cope with atm, and try to delay any meeting until he is a bit older.

Cinds - what a horrible situation to find yourself in, I feel for you.     I think Longcat's probably got it right, but tbh you seem to have it well sussed anyway.   Be honest and be there when he needs you.    Sure, try to delay if you can, if you feel he won't cope - but be wary of letting him think you're putting obstacles in his way because it's obviously something he needs to do and come to terms with and the last thing you want is for him to feel he can't talk to you.    On the plus side (and hugs to all of you who have gone through something similar in any direction)  it looks like most kids aren't that blind and see things for what they are sooner or later.   My family went through it with my niece (brother's kid)  Her Mum ran off with my sister's then fiance when she was months old... bro moved home and she was brought up like my sister.   Eventually the 'real mum' question came up and they did meet eventually - there was  brief 'reunion' and a bit of social interaction (you also need to prepare yourself for the slim chance they may 'bond' at least temporarily)  but she pretty soon realised her mum was a drunk and a tramp and they have no contact now.    Hope it resolves without too much hurt x

Is the 'donor' interested?  Has he got in touch in the past few years?  You don't want to tell the boy you'll get in touch only for the dad to turn around and say no.

If you have a way of contacting him, I think if I was in your shoes, I would discreetly get back in touch with the dad, explain your son wants to see him, is he interested in meeting him?  If he is, then I would explain to the boy that he could meet up with him, but understand that you have no guarantee that they'll get on, or how things are going to work out and if he still really wants to do it you could arrange something?

It would kill me to make that choice, if I was in your shoes, but imagine if something happened to the dad and your son never got the chance to meet him...how angry would he be with you then?

I wish i had the answer for you (hugs) i'm going through a similar thing with my daughter (she's 17 in Sept) so i've come too the decision that it's her choice now how things pan out

We split when she was 2 it was a very absuive relationship and i was worried about her having visits we've him alone, in the end he took me too court for access (pushed by his mother) after only a year the contact broke down with him but she saw his parents on a regular basis, she has seen her dad over the years, he started leaving with another woman and now daughter has a half brother, the woman never took to my daughter so she rarley visited them, her dad has now split from her and has started living with another woman who has 3 children  so now daughter feels pushed even further down the chain

At a family meal recently she got upset at hearing her dad and new partner talking about all the holidays they've been on, she came home and asked me why he has never done anything for her (he does pay for her mobile) he doesn't pay maintence or buy her clothes etc

She was performing on stage the following week and she invited her granparents but not him, he got in a huff and texted her just before she went on stage and told her he was cancelling her phone contract, so she threw her phone and smashed it too bits, since that night i've had tears and anger from her and i really don't know what too do too help her, she has made the decision to end all contact with him, i've told her too wait till she's calmed down before making any decisions but she say's he has messed her around for the last time, i wish i had the answers

sorry for the long post

My mother and father separated when I was 8 and had a bitter divorce when I was 10.  To avoid paying maintenance (he saw it as giving money to my mother not money to help raise us)   he moved abroad to Malta and Italy before returning to Ireland.  As my brother was seriously ill, my sister and I lived with our maternal grandmother and grandfather in Ireland from a very early age while my mother and father stayed with my brother in England, we used to come back and forth but mainly stayed in Ireland.

My mother I have to say was very bitter when they separated and we heard non stop about what a rotter he was.  Several people, including members of his family also confirmed what a first rate barsteward he was.

Anyhoo I met him once on a trip to Ireland when I was 18 but he didn't seem that interested so I didn't bother keeping in touch.  Then when he found out I was very ill and likely to die he suddenly made a visit to me here in England (10 years ago).  I was surprised but thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt as I'd only heard how bad he was from other people.  He lived up to what the others had said - he weedled out of me that I hadn't made a will so knew he was in line to get at least half my house and based on that he visited estate agents when I was in hospital to get estimates as to how much it was worth

Needless to say I kicked him out and told him no to darken my door.  Made a dash to a solicitor to make a will and prayed that I wouldn't be run over before I'd made it!  I'm still here but he died a year later of cancer and none of us went to his funeral.

It's hard what to know what to say Cinds   on one hand it's natural that your son wants to know about his dad but as he's no much more than a 'sperm donor' if he meets your son too early it could be very damaging.  When he's older he alone needs to see his father for what he really is.  I don't think that at 14 he'll be mature enough to deal with the rejection if his biological dad rejects him.

You could as others have suggested make discreet inquiries to his father and weigh up if it's wise to introduce him into your sons life.  The better option would be to try and disuade your son from meeting him until he's older.

Whichever way you choose, just make sure your son knows both you and Mr Cinds love him

Wow this is a very hard situation but Cinds you know your son and know what they can take at their current age etc. .even the nasty bits can be put down to the brain being befuddled by drugs etc..and if the answer is a no from the donor now it will hurt but may be put down to the drugs etc having an affect after all this time still even if the donor is now clean..

What I would say is that it may go well or it may go bad but, as you know, it has to happen sometime.. I have a personal situation [albeit coming from a slightly different angle]  where a half sibling turned up after my mother died sop too late. . I knew nothing of the much older 3 half siblings I had until I was in my late 20's and only then was told about 2 of them, the other was kept a secret from me until much later and she would not talk about it at all once I did find out. .then she died leaving me with loads of unanswered questions too. .then one of the half siblings found the lost one ..he had so many questions. .all for me as my mother was no longer around, and to which I had absolutely no answers. . I am still angry even now that she left me to sort the situation out..

the other 2 were able to meet and form their own opinion of their biological mother [my mother].. who had refused to see them when they were much younger but did agree later on.. Now it is just a horrible mess where the 3rd one has no idea why he was left nor any of the history and kinda blames me for not knowing anything too and the other one thinks I am hiding info. .the 3rd died a good few yrs ago and was the one that had all the info cos he was the eldest and had done the research....

I don't have any contact with the remaining ones at all now as I got the sense they hated me cos I was the only one she kept and was hiding info on top of it all

the whole exeprience wasn't very nice at all ..  first time around, after they'd all met up, they then tapered off back to their own lives after a while, understandable I suppose, yet I was left thinking wow I am an only child, then ooooh no I am not I have brothers, yay! then later oh now I am an only child again cos they had sodded off after they had finished their quest... twasn't a very nice time as I'd got to know them and started to 'feel' something for the strangers they once were..  and then it happened again with the third one too.. I do understand where they are coming from but I often feel reunions of lost family members I see on the tellybox or hear about should  come with a warning that the people meeting the ones searching may end up getting hurt too even tho they have nowt to do with the abandonment thing at all.....

thing is it will hurt him as he and others will always wonder why they were rejected but it sounds like you and Mr C have given him a good base on which to cope with the feelings as they come and get thru it all..

just tell him, if he has any half siblings via the donor, that it isn't their fault. .

Good luck with whatever you decide to do Cinds and hope it isn't too hard on the lad.. 

ooh a waffle post 

Mate, I don't know about this one because I'm not a mum but I wanted to reply and give you some love.

There's lots of fantastic advice on here from people better qualified then me to speak so I won't offer any.  Got none!

One thing I am scared of though is that little'un will have his expectations crushed.  I don't think there's any good age for that.  I think the poor kid's been thinking about it though, and it's the moment you dreaded, but it's all going to be alright you know?  He always belonged to you and D and he always will, but this is such a biggie for you and you're handling it beautifully. 


All my love and support mate, you know where I am xx

xx

Hiya Cinds, just wanted to say i've been in your sons position and its strange you say now in his teens hes very interested as thats what happened to me

I was really eager to find out about my other 'family' and never knew anything about them at all i spoke to a mutual family friend who knew him and we were going to arrange contact but for some reason it never happened.  I agree with some of the other posters i really don't think i would have appreciated my mom telling me the gritty truth as a teenager he is probably confused its only now i look back and think 'what a t@sser" as im older

I now have my own little boy and think what this man missed out on he never had any more kids

Syd, don't worry you didn't come across as anything, I just wanted to say that I didn't say negative things in front of the boy.

Sorry I know I am 2 days later 

Going to read all the other replies now.

That's what I have always wanted to do.  BUT how do you tell a child that his 'biological' father said "well if it's going to die anyway why should I spend the airfare to come and see it"

Massive respect and love back to you, cheers babe xx

I don't think you do.... not in those words...    but you perhaps tell him the sentiment...  i.e. he wouldn't fly over to see you even though there was a chance you wouldn't make it.

I've had to skirt around some of these issues too...    I've never told the girl that the biodad threatened to run me over if I didn't abort her...   that he drove me to the doctors to arrange the abortion, and when the GP said it was obviously not my choice and therefore he wouldn't sanction it...    that on the way back the biodad tried to push me out of the car whilst it was moving...  

I did tell her he wasn't happy about my decision to keep her...   but that it probably had quite a lot to do with the girl he was knocking off behind my back..    I kinda tried to take it away from being a focussed hatred of her...  and more to do with other priorities in his life.

if that makes sense.

Thank you   And that's all I keep telling myself, that man has missed out on a great kid.  

I won't say he's amazing, he's not, he's just a great kid, very polite, he says please and thank you, he never says 'EH' or 'WHAT' when he doesn't hear what you say he says 'Pardon' or 'Pardon could you say that again'..... and above everything else I love that he has manners.

Ditty 

It so makes sense. 

Cinds...   take comfort from those of us further down the road with this... or from those that have experienced it from the childs point of view...    even the worst experience relayed in this thread, came through it in the end.

Its bloody horrible at the time..   and like a timebomb that never goes away the rest of the time.. 

but your son will be ok in the end...   whatever you decide to do, because he has you xx  , 

 and above everything else I love that he has manners.

 Manners and respect maketh Man..........

I know that, I really do, but it's shit at the time.  However, the 'voice breaking' little scroat hasn't mentioned it again since the other night.  So here am I losing sleep over it, and the boy is all nestled in his lovely bed. 

Originally Posted by Cinds:

 and above everything else I love that he has manners.

 Manners and respect maketh Man..........

It does.  

With that, I will bid you all good night xxx 

.  However, the 'voice breaking' little scroat hasn't mentioned it again since the other night.  So here am I losing sleep over it, and the boy is all nestled in his lovely bed. 

hahaha...  yeah, thats about right!

So... you could just wait til he brings it up again? 

that's what I would do

You have to remember Cinds, that all the 'bad' things that happen in his life (apart from his Bio father problem).....are all down to you!......

Thats teenagers for you   

Sorry for being so late with this post. I have read all the replies to the OP and ask her to consider the following.

1) Is it better to come clean and tell him all you you know( as he is 14 yrs old)

2)Keep quiet and still feel guilty as it may crop up again.

3)Give him what he he wants to know and help him in any way you can as a mother to help him make the right decisions on where he goes from here.

Keeping things secret is a massive guilt trip in any family and it is better brought out in the open no matter what the outcome.

Hope it all works out for you in the end.

tis ok beamers... I did consider that....

but I have her lappy at the moment...     she does lurk in the ship, but hardly ever comes over here xx

My mom left my bio dad when i 6 (he was violent, i remember seeing him hit her with an iron (cold) in the face!) we moved to england from ireand with my stepdad. I've seen him once since then, when i was little we met up with him in a pub and that must have been about 20 yrs ago.

I have only really felt i wanted to meet him twice in all that time, when i was a teen i wanted to know more about him and make contact but felt so guilty towards my stepdad who i love soo much i felt he may take it personally. I did bring it up a couple of times but never really got anywhere with it.... they didnt really say no to me, just put me off alot. livng in a different  country helped them i suppose. The other time was when i was pregnant for the first time, but this time it was cos i was angry, i was hormonal and excited about becoming a parent which made me angry at him not bothering with me and my brother over the years. He went into my aunties chip shop showing her pics of his new baby........

What im saying is if you can fob him off for now he will understand when he's older  that if his bio dad has never tried to make contact what a tosser he must be.... although now with facebook and mobiles it may be easier for him to find him himself (behind your back) without your support if he upsets him.... not saying your lad would do that but i know if i could have when i was a teen i would have done it that way so's not to hurt my stepdad.

Anyway essay over huge hugs and i hope he fogets about it for a while

Hard situation but at 14 he is going to overrule you pretty soon when it comes to contacting his biological father and could end up doing it behind you back. So standing in his way is probably not the best thing to do and he may resent it. Particularly if when he does meet him he gets on with him. You say a couple of years ago it was forgotten really fast, are you sure it was forgotten at all he may have carried on thinking about it but just not mentioned it because he didn't want to upset you. Only coming back out now the desire to meet him has grown further.

If or rather when  he does contact him be in now of when he is older and the biological father wants nothing to do with him he is going to get hurt, the important thing is you are there to help him though it and remind him that he is loved.

You do not know what has happened since, the biological father may well have grown up and stopped with the drugs.   They may get on (is that part of your worry) In any case I don't think it is something he will let go. Besides by the sound of things he is hurting already knowing where he stands may help him move on.

If you can contacting the biological father and finding out if he is willing to meet him (with you there first few times) before hand would be a good idea. If he doesn't you can sit your son down and tell him (don't lie) 

But like I said the important thing is be there for your son and make sure he knows he is loved (tell him) Good luck I hope you get it sorted out one way or the other as painlessly as possible.

Cinds! No words of wisdom or advice here, I'm a child-free zone and have no experience of anything like this.. but just wanted to say young master Cinds knows how much he's loved by you and Mr Cinds, it's great he can talk to you about this stuff ( one secure boy! )  ,and most of all, I know that whatever way you approach this, you'll get it right. x