as a child that had & still has to contact her biological father (waste of space - not around unless forced for first 8 yrs) I would wait as long as possible. I reckon it isn't up to you to find him but up to him to find his son if he wants contact. I grew up perfectly happy with stepfather who I considered a father

hmmmmmmm...difficult choice there cinds.....is it the first time your son has brought it up in depth?.and was he calmed by what you told him?.....i guess it was something that was always going to come up at some point........maybe leave it and see if your son asks again?

 

is the sperm donor likely to want to see him?....i guess it'd be more heartbreak if you contacted him and he didn't want to know his son at all....so you might have to do it sneakily without your son knowing....rather than him being filled with hope........but then god knows what you would say to him if he asked again and the sperm donor had already said 'no'.

 

horrible and difficult situation for you all...hope you can work something out xx.....

Maybe tell your boy that it is easy to find said sperm donor, and you will be more than willing to help him do so when he really feels that he wants to, but there needs to be no rush?

 

I dunno - but suspect there will be more tears

 

Good luck

Aw cinds tricky situation My brother is an addict, I can sympathise on that part, but I can't imagine what's it like having a son in that position. He isn't a little kid anymore, and he's probably going to get hurt no matter what age he knows more about his dad.. But I can see why you would want to protect him! I wish you all the luck in the world (maybe take the sperm donor on your next jump & let him freefall )

I hear what you are saying abo, but it's my son that is asking about his 'real' father, I need to respect his need to know, and I always knew it would happen.  

Forgot to say - high fives to Mr Cinds

It has obviously been playing on his mind, hence the tears......As you said, he asked a couple of years ago, and it was forgotten.....I think maybe he did'nt want to "Upset you and the applecart"  by pursuing it. 

 

I would try and tell him the truth (obviously age related, as you know your Son)....I think it might put his mind at rest, for a while at least...

 

(Some Men....who would ave em aye ) 

i feel for you cinds i really do, my dad choose drugs drink and prison and a prostitute (which hes still with) over me and my sis. my mum has been here for me through my nearly 29 years, i secretly  had contact with my dad but he always wanted money or to tell me bad things about my mum (which i wont have said about her). he got someone to contacted me through facebook so i soon closed my account. ts difficult your sons at that age to want to know more and more, but my dad wasnt interested until i was earning money thats when wanted to know me.

 

<<Cinds>>

 

Yeah, it was always going to happen.  Could you speak to the biological father yourself - just a mail or whatever?  See where he is at just now.

 

At 14, as the mother you are seeing your son the way any mother would.  A couple of years though and he'll be in the 'adult' world.  Maybe seeing where the dad is just now is a good first step?

 

Apologies if you already know - not meant to offend. :-(

I am not ignoring all other replies, but this one I can put words to.

 

Yeah he has brought it up in depth, I have sat and told him MOST (but not everything about his real father - how do you tell a child that their father said 'well if IT dies who cares apart from you')

 

I don't think the 'donor' is keen to see him, and I did say to him you have to prepare for that.

 

All I could say to him was that, I would do everything I could *ahem*, but what ever happened, myself and his Dad would be there for him.

my 2 are now 25  and 28  , at first i did not want them to have any contact  with *  said dad *   couple of years ago  i said go for it if you want , both said why should he see our grandchildren but not us ?  my girl was too young , but my son saw beatings i got , i'm glad they keep in touch with the gran ,  well great gran parents now 

 

That is perfect and just right.

Love that you're respecting your son's need to know, but how do you break it to him when you don't want to break his heart? Really feel for you on this one, and poor Mr. Cinds must be feeling a little powerless too. Can't think of any plausible delaying tactics that don't involve lying to the boy. My heart goes out to you 

is there a family member who you could contact cinds on his side do you know any of them well?

forgot to say he pulled my arm out the socket ,   i've had multiple operations  and i'm gittin on my high horse lol   happened yonks ago  , i'm gonty bed 

sleep well gawjuss

it's going to be an immensely awful time cinds...but you know that........obviously you want to protect your son.....cos you remember the horrible way the 'donor' spoke about him.and i agree...how can you tell your son that.....you can't really cos he'd be devastated

 

i think you've done well so far.....reassuring your son that you and mr cinds will always be there for him no matter what........i think he'll be comforted by that..i guess he's seeking his 'identity' and thinks seeing the 'donor'...(sorry i can't say real dad cos the fella does nothing to deserve that title) will help..........unfortunately you know it'll just cause him a lot of heartbreak

 

a little white lie like you've told doesn't matter.....you're looking out for your son and that's the main thing

 

how does mr cinds feel about it?

Firstly I would say it is best to delay your lad from any contact until he is old enough to understand things better, not that he will ever get his head around his biological Dad being a tosser...BUT he will be better equipped to deal with the hurt that probably, given the history will follow any kind of contact. I also, if I was you wouldn't try and put him off knowing his Dad (only so he doesnt resent you or Mr Cinds in anyway) and important he learns for himself that his biological Dad is a tosser (none of us believe stuff until we learn it first hand) Alternatively have the tosser shot and tell the boy you are the virgin Mary? (would save him any further hurt and upset)

 

My Biological Mum left me at a Nunnery, yet when I met her she swore she went to social services and through the proper channels...kids, and even adults just wanna know the truth about where they come from....sometimes the truth isnt great, but at least if he learns first hand his biological Dad is a tosser....he will know what top parents he has in you and Mr Cinds...xx

Sandra  Horrible horrible horrible!

I meant to reply to loads of these responses but you've just made me cry 

I always refer to him as the donor, because that's all he ever did.  But you saying about his his 'identity' is where it mainly comes from, my gorgeous boy is mixed race and Dan & I are so NE white we are almost blue.

cinds  its a painful subject, go have a cuddle with Mr Cinds,

I would but he's really ill, in full slumber after a sleeping tablet.........

 

OH wait.... hey hey hey .... full advantage 

Blimey Cinds...I feel for you I really do

 

I know this situation from two sides......my son hasn't seen his Dad since he was a year old.....and I didn't see my Dad from the age of three.....until I finally met up with him again when I was 22.

 

As far as my son goes, I've been incredibly lucky..... he asked me about him when he was 8 so I got in touch on his behalf but it didn't work out, but as far as my son knew, I just hadn't managed to find him. He's 19 now and he says he's not interested AT ALL. I've tried pushing him on the subject to be sure, I would hate him to be lying just to keep me happy. I've told him a number of times that I would be happy either way, and he knows my history with my own Dad so I think that helps him to believe that I mean it! Honest to god he is better off without his Dad..... but I've never let him know I believe this....because it has to be his decision.

 

As for my own experience... I can understand where your son is coming from. I had a real desire to "know" my Dad..... but once I did..... that was enough, and now I'm no longer in contact. He was perfectly nice.... but he wasn't there when I was growing up, my Mum and my Stepdad were....and in the end, that means a lot.

 

Of course, your son is a lot younger than I was, so it's a much more difficult situation, and all I can say is....just do what YOU think is best for him Cinds. That way, no matter what happens, you'll never be able to beat yourself up about it when you look back.

 

ahhhhhhh........so has this just come from nowhere or has he been hinting at finding the donor for a bit??.i just wondered if other kids had got on his case and teasing him cos he is mixed race and you and mr cinds aren't??.......cos kids can be bloody cruel and they'll pick at anything.....especially at that age.i think 13-16 are the worst years for bitching and bullying.......and whereas when they're younger they come and tell you.....at that age they try to deal with it all themselves and bottle it up

 

i maybe way off the mark but it may be a part of it

I have to say this, I don't want to upset anyone by saying it, but.....

 

Cinds, I don't think telling your Son to many "bad" things about his "Donor" Fathers personality will help.....you have to remember, that when he is a confused older teenager, he may use it as an excuse for bad behaviour......"He was, So I am", sort of thing.

 

Cinds, I don't know your situation, but try and relay the good points of his "Donor" for your sons self esteem.

 

Ducky, I know what you are saying.  I have thought about this since the day the 'donor' denied him (basically), I knew the day would come.  But I just want my boy to be older and more resilient, because I know he will get rejected and hurt.

Cinds     This has brought back memories... the pain is now dull but still got the memories.

 

I was in in a position where i had to make that exact choice. Shit biological person, daughter who asked to know.

 

I told her everything she wanted to know.

 

We bumped into him in Town, they did not recognise each other.. i didnt know what to do.

 

I make a decision, i called him over, he was all very lovely, but it didnt feel right, but i had made my decision.

 

She was 12.

 

Worst mistake i ever made, it has crippled her, the things that he has said to her over time is unbelievable. Truly unbelievable ..(some men.. and woman)

 

 

but she is strong. There is no contact anymore. Everything was her decision. I stood by her.

 

I still would have done the same again, because she would have asked till she did.

 

It still kills me though.

 

 

 

 

 

Syd, I never ever refer to him as the 'donor'  to my son, he is always called his biological father, and I have never said anything about what went on between us or what he said after my boy was born.  I thinks that's just wrong wrong wrong.

<<Ev>> x

Eve, thankfully we'll never bump in to him in town.  As far as I know he's still living around the DC area *wipes brow*

 

Anyway, I need my bed now, utterly exhausted, I've been up since just after 4 am.

 cinds

 

I know exactly what you mean.

 

He will be more resilient when he's older..... but I warn you now CInds....you won't be!

 

A year last January... I was pottering around the forum at stupid O clock in the morning, and suddenly, out of the blue I got a FB private message from my son's Dad! I haven't spoken to him in 17 years! It was a huge shock...and god was I panicked at first! All I could think of was my son was about to sit his first AS exams, and this was going to mess up his revision...blah blah blah....

 

Anyway, I sent a message back, letting him know it was fine (he was apologetic in the message, I think he was expecting me to give him hell ), and that our son was ok etc etc....and that if he wanted to see him we'd have to take it slow and let him finish his exams first (only a few weeks).

 

It took me bloody ages to compose that message just right and I spent days worrying about whether to tell my son he has been in touch....and the bastard never replied again.

 

My son was 17, nearly 18 then..... and I was just as worried about him being hurt as when he was 8. I'm not sure it gets any easier? I haven't told him he got in touch..... I still don't know if that was right or wrong?

 

The drug thing worries me though Cinds....and I might be inclined to delay things if I was in your position. My sons Dad is a total idiot/scrounger/thief and all round bad influence....... but I KNOW if my son met him now he wouldn't dream of looking up to that sort of behaviour. Would he have been able to dismiss it so easily when he was younger? I dunno, and I'm glad I didn't have to find out.

Cinds, I did'nt mean, that I thought you called him "Donor" to your son.......I am really sorry that my post came across as that... 

 

What I was trying to say was......(I don't know your situation, but)...try to remember the good things about him, to relay to your son, as well as the bad things.......

 

Remember in his head even tho he has never met him, he will always know he is still part of him...... 

 

It is really hard to type emotions....but my thoughts are with  you 

Blimey Cinds (and everyone else with experience in this situation)!!  

 

Is there any way to find out what this man's life is like now, without actually making contact?

Does your son know about the drug addiction?

Does he understand the selfishness involved in major addictions, like that?

 

I have no experience in this, but had two cousins who were adopted. One of them, a girl, was desperate to find her biological parents, but her brother insisted that he couldn't care less. Her experience went well, but didn't lead to a proper relationship with her biological mother. He is a closed book and I'm not sure whether he really should have looked for some answers.

 

I suppose 14 is, in some ways, a good age to learn about these sort of things, as long as there is some protection for him and there is no danger involved.

 

I wish you all the best in your decision. 

From what you've said, Cinds, I feel you have good instincts. You've listened to your son, and to me that's really important. I'd say go with your gut feeling. It seems to have worked well for all of you so far.

I haven't read all this thread... I haven't got time (I am leaving for work in ten mins)...  but Cinds....   SNAP!    my daughters biodad buggered off when I was pregnant.   There was some contact for the first couple of years..   driven by his mother, & it was me that made it happen (the arranging, the running around)..   despite almost weekly telling him "you are in or you are out"...  he continued to show little real interest (not bothering to actually see her when she was at his mums for the day, sleeping off the night before when he was supposed to be seeing her etc)...   by her 4th birthday (& her reaching an age of awareness) enough was enough & I knocked it on the head.

 

*sigh*  its hard...  you don't want to bring them up bleating on & on that your OH isn't there real dad, but you don't want it to come as a horrendous surprise on their 16th bday.    I felt like I had to break it to her 3 or 4 times as she would "forget".

 

We have been through the "I want to see my dad" thing .... when she was 14.     I told her if she would just get her gcse;s out of the way first I would help her find him.    Then his other kids (one exactly a year younger than her, one exactly 2 years younger than her) started getting the same school bus as her classmates and instigated by their mother started asking about her.

 

that kinda knocked all that on the head then...    

 

its soooo hard Cinds...    there's loads more I could tell you... but I don't have time... I will pop back later.. 

I knew you'd have posted in here somewhere Ducks..   

 

 

I totally agree with your statement above..   its really hard...   I have tried to tell my daughter the whole truth...  the bad bits... but the good bits too (we did actually love each other once)...