WELL, what a fortnight. Since Friday, Hels Bels' world has been, erm, let's say, a bit of a blur.
A barrage of haunting comments, death threats, and, yes, I've left the country's most infamoushouse for the last time â can't see Channel 5 chucking me in again after the complaints.
I don't want an orchestra of violins playing out to me, I was a complete tosser to have said those two words. I can't Tipp-Ex them out, it's done, all I can do is apologise to those I offended.
For those of you who read my interview yesterday, youâll see I hold my hands up and admit my choice of words to Brian Belo were horrendous.
If I could retract those comments, I would.
Equally, things need putting into perspective.
The public need to start reading between those fine lines. We all know my role is to be the panto villain. They weren't going to show me making cups of tea and painting my nails.
This in itself doesn't bother me, it's the stupidity of people not realising why I was put there. They didn't book Snow White, the show booked someone notorious for being loud and brash, I was given a job to do and I did it.
Admittedly, as I said, I went too far at one point.
To merit people threatening to throw acid in my face and slice me open with a knife, youâd think Iâd have slaughtered my housemates Hunger Games
style.
Yes, âmurderer slash rapistâ is a God awful use of language, yet Brian and his sidekick Nikki Grahame are no shrinking violets â they gave as good as they got.
Initially in the bunker, I thought everything was going well and I was genuinely happy to be in there with 'The Legends'
.
Okay, okay, so we went in as 'Legends', it's all part of them game, but things quickly went pear-shaped slash frozen duck-shaped when it became clear Nikki and Brian actually regard themselves as legends. I don't know whether that's pitiful or just hilarious.
If someone's shouting 'I'm a legend' it might make for a funny TV clip, but imagine someone at work, school or the pub saying that, how utterly cringe you would find that arrogance in the outside world.
Little did I know at the time, they were slating me long before I retaliated with the egocentric 'BeyoncÃĐ backing dancer' rantings and Brian whispering about Marc fingering me while we were brushing our teeth.
Throughout my time in the house, I was called âevilâ, âpoisonâ, âpond scumâ, and had my parenting skills questioned about the one person I treasure most in this world.
'Evil' is the death of Baby P, the Boston Marathon bombers, the Charlie Hebdo killings, Columbine shootings, September 11 attacks, Jamie Bulger murder.
Me? I have a potty mouth. That is my crime.
On the same day of the France beheading, I emerge from the house to discover the warm-up act â who gets the crowd going before housemates are evicted â was encouraging everyone to swipe their finger across their neck to imply the slitting of my my throat.
If my comments are offensive to others, how is labelling me evil or implying I should die be viewed any different?
These arenât excuses, itâs a genuine question.
To be called 'spawn of Satan', 'slut', 'wench' constantly, it is completely unwarranted.
I'm sick to death with people thinking it's fine to slate me all the time, like I'm made of stone.
They pressed my buttons, that's not shown, so when I explode it appears as if it's come out of nowhere. Similarly, Nikki got a formal warning, not shown. My formal warning, shown.
Sometimes I actually feel bullied, but because I don't sit there and cry, no one batters an eyelid.
I had Nikki in my face, nose-to-nose, she is celebrated, I am demonised. Imagine if I got in hers? I'd have been removed.
She's bawling in my face, putting on a big display, then when she stormed away, Danny still shouts at ME!?
Yes, Iâm sorry she went through a crap time as a kid, but who didn't? She's not the only who's ever had an eating disorder.
I used to be bulimic when I was a child. Just because of this, and the fact I found life unbearable, doesn't mean it's an excuse for my actions. Or that others have to hear about it.
What am I supposed to do if someone is offended by what I say? Am I meant to say my dad used to twat me when I was a kid, I used to be bulimic, I used to self-harm, I used to try and kill myself on a frequent basis? It's no one else's fault, I can't blame other people for things going wrong.
When I call her out for being skinny, I'm annihilated. Yet she can happily call me a slut. Name-calling in itself is never a wise move, I get that, merely pointing out the discrepancy of my treatment over hers.
Besides, what I did for a living nearly a decade ago has no bearing on how I would treat a partner in a monogamous relationship. Therefore, slut accusations = defamation of character.
For those that need the dictionary definition, a slut is a woman who has many casual sexual partners. I've had five in the last seven years.
I get branded a slut everyday on Twitter, can people see what I'm getting at here? It gets under your skin.
I said two comments to Brian that were completely out of order, do I blame a bad childhood for it? No. That I've had nothing but s*** for the last seven years because I made a mistake eight years ago and people remind me of it every day, should I use that as my excuse as to why I speak to people the way I do?
Nikki uses her frame, weight and height to get what she wants, by portraying she is cute and vulnerable.
Look at a petite photograph of a woman and we go âawwâ, look at a larger lady and we donât have the same reaction. Fact.
In one task, where we had to give negative feedback, Harry told me she was going to pick Nikki for one of the questions but was too scared of how it would look so chose me.
I laughed it off, but it highlights how people pansy around her.
Danny and Brian even accused Marc of bullying for jumping in the pool and making a splash, which prompted Nikki to start crying and stomp off. A splash!
Their behaviour has been a joke, Danny constantly (and I mean, constantly) telling Marc to shut up, has a pop, a dig wherever he can, just as Brian did.
The reason these two got so angry is due to the fact Marc doesn't retaliate how they want him to, remaining fairly composed drives them mad.
Danny has been physically aggressive THREE times and said "if there were no cameras now, I'd smash this glass in your face".
Part of me wishes to God that Marc had gone to the diary room and cried, telling BB he felt scared and intimidated, I feel unless you do this, behaviour is just disregarded. Why? Because he's a stocky lad?
Nikki, meanwhile, gets special treatment (including chocolate written into her contract), slept all day, then performed for tasks.
Take the store room food fight, for example, which led to Nikki having a 'panic attack'.
Being someone who used to suffer from anxiety attacks, I can tell you, that wasn't an attack.
A true panic is ongoing and doesn't fade out within five minutes as soon as the fire drill takes place.
What they didn't show you, was us leaving the house when one of the smoke alarms was flashing red. We all pegged it through the exit. Harryâs foot ended up getting wedged under the door as an 8ft security beefcake tried to bang it closed so we couldnât get out.
Eventually we escape, end up in the Portacabins outside, Nikki demanded her own cabin with Brian away from civilian housemates, where Harry went for first-aid as the other one was too busy.
Harry's too afraid to speak about it, but she told me Nikki sat there a completely different character, a calm and collective little creature, no panic, slagging off the whole house.
Brian nudged her as if to say 'be quiet', but she just said, "I don't care who's sat in this f****** room with me, who's going to believe her over me?!", provoking Harry without cameras there.
Nikki pursued Harry, her and Nick would be on the sofa cuddling and Nikki would sit right inthe middle of them, stroking his head â that is goading, provoking a reaction.
Regardless of what you think of Harry, imagine if someone did that to your partner?? With you right there?!?
Why was it okay to constantly goad Harry about Nick? Make sly comments knowing Nick wouldn't defend her because he's so loyal and obsessed with BB and the ex-housemates he looks up to.
This is how deluded Nikki is, she told us "I'm half lactose intolerant" â HALF?!?
She said these things to enable chocolate into her private stash, live a luxury diet whilst the 'normal' people made do.
This woman's contradictory behaviour is something I've never seen before, I'm meant to feel guilty because she was anorexic as a child (didn't know this, why would I), yet the forgetful attention-seeker comments on Harry's weight saying "Buxom wench, like she needs any more party rings."
She also commented on Sam's weight, found it amusing a personal trainer could be "that large".
So, we are all supposed to tip-toe around Nikki's disorder, but she can comment on the heavier chicks of the group? How about f*** off.
I don't often expose what downfalls I've had in life, you know why, because why should anyone care, it's nobody's business but mine.
Yet every time I see some dramatising little madame moan about her woes in the past, it makes me mad.
Nikki, everyone has a tough time at some point in life, but that's NOT an excuse to behave like an oversensitive bint.
I am not for one minute belittling mental health issues, but she passed the BB psychologist's test to get into the house, therefore we are all treated as equals.
Both her and that Naan bread-faced Aisleyne were there to try and intimidate me, Twitter followers have expressed how they find that shocking, two against one 'n all. I don't, I signed up to do a job and they gave me that to face, that's the world of
reality TV.
She's got the body of a child, is the size of a child, yet the mouth of a sewer rat. Let's not forget she's 33, that much older than me, and is savvy enough to have lived abroad for the past year alone.
As for Aisleyne, I'm just over the moon with how much of a plonker that glorified clown has been shown as. She went in thinking she's the heroine to all who hate yours truly, but she's shown herself up more than I ever could have dreamed.
I'll let it hang itself, not physically for anyone ready to ring Ofcom, it's a phrase!
I love Big Brother, it's given me experiences I never could have imagined, but before you start flipping the bully card, just remember a little word called 'perspective'.
I'm not perched on an imaginary throne with my head up my a**e thinking I'm a legend or better than the next human being beside me.
I'm not trading on hate like Katie Hopkins, demanding people of ethnic minority 'go back to where they came from', ridiculing people with ginger hair or tattoos or called Tyler.
I'm moving on from all this, BB is done for the second year running, I'm just hoping that the hilarious Dubliner and future Prime Minister are head-to-head in the final. And Harry.
I feel sorry for TV producers nowadays. My comments, again, I've said were ridiculous, but you cannot fart on telly without Ofcom being bombarded.
How the f*** can these guys make a programme about reality when the real people participating feel they can't be real in case they get b*******d?
Violence is a no-go, intimidation is a no-go, but messing about, arguing and childish fun (like very few of those housemates are capable of) is harmless.
Feedback has been unbelievable, the Iron Lady herself (me, modern day Maggie) got rather emotional over the emails I was forwarded last night.
It restored faith in me that there are people still out there capable of reading between the lines and even better, apologising for giving me daily verbal abuse,
who I'm yet to unblock and thank publicly, he must have been a bad troll for me to have blocked him, but it means a lot when people wake up and think for one second, is she really THAT bad?
If the answer is yes, thanks for reading the column of someone you detest, that's sadder than Brian and Nikki's attempts to win sympathy.
I went on a game show, I ruffled some feathers, if you take offence to that, maybe you're the one who's got the issues.
Yours truly,
Hels Bels xxx
I had to read and reread the title for this, I thought Hellon was coming back..
