For the sake of the couple of million obsessives who still care I hope the 13th series hits the spot
Early favourite: Wolfy Channel 5
After nervous new host Emma Willis decreed that it was OK for me to forget about Kim and Kanye’s baby (easier said than done!) I settled down to the 13th year of non-celebrity Big Brother. Unlucky for some.
A whistlestop tour of Channel 5’s totally rebuilt house of horror (same as the old house only with many more doors) was followed by a grim procession of self-obsessed losers who think they’re going to be famous. Good luck with that.
First up were tawdry twins Jack and Joe. One’s gay, one’s straight (take your pick... doesn’t matter) and they’re both fat.
Gasps of amazement as high-flying supermarket assistant Joe sensationally revealed: “We go out to eat quite a lot.” No shit.
Then there was ancient gold digger Jemima, 82, who shrieked: “Happy birthday, Mum, wherever you are.” The very old people’s home, I’d hazard a guess.
We’re all meant to love early favourite Wolfy... because, as she reminds us every five seconds, she’s a lesbian.
But the Wolfmeister is not just any lesbian. She’s a lesbian with a tattoo of a mackerel on her leg. No one knows why.
“I must sound like some sort of yokel,” she said. Correct.
Talking of housemates guaranteed to do well... supermarket assistant (another one) Sam is 80% deaf. Therefore patronising BB fans will back him all the way.
Meanwhile, sultry web-footed orange dental nurse Sophie shocked the nation when she sighed: “People usually look at me and fink I’m a blonde bimbo. They fink I’m fick.” Surely not.
But we mustn’t forget “London’s most notorious sugar daddy” Dexter, 12. A former prostitute “known to the media” in a no one’s-ever-heard-of-him kinda way. Millionaire, my arse...
Pretend postman Michael is apparently working for us. An overrated ruse that isn’t working for me. He’s supposed to be an actor. But self-evidently, the people’s muppet is hardly at the top of his profession. Hence his Hollyoaks standard performance. So unconvincing it hurts. Why didn’t they genuinely shred everyone else’s luggage? Too entertaining?
In other news... hello, hello, hello to gormless gay ex-copper Dan Plod. Nothing to see here... move along now.
The lynch mob did as they were told and booed rich kid Gina... who clearly didn’t spend much of her 10 grand a month allowance on her Kat Slater-style outfit.
But vote for Irish beauty Hazel O’Sullivan... a credit to the family. Or is she? And don’t vote for dreary Jackie and Charlie Travers. Not, as wrongly stated, BB’s first mother-and-daughter double act. But hopefully the last.
Splitting the launch over two endless nights was a bad idea. And prolonging the agony certainly didn’t pay dividends ratings-wise.
But, jittery start notwithstanding, the likeable Ms Willis is miles better than hopeless Brian Dowling. Not difficult, I know.
The problem is... quick-witted Emma is no longer at the helm of Big Brother’s Bit On The Side. Where she always did a good job.
Unlike slow-witted Rylan Clark and his tombstone teeth. No one seems to have told Grinning Boy that the spin-off show is supposed to be funny.
But compared to his atrocious sidekick AJ Odudu, rubbish Rylan is a veritable TV colossus. Abject AJ is clueless.
For the sake of the couple of million obsessives who still care I hope this series hits the spot.
But if it doesn’t... here’s how to save the day. Machine Gun Big Brother. Instead of evictions... death by firing squad. Their lives in your hands. You decide.
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11.33pm: Callum's looking a little worked up and is using the @realmartinkemp de-stressing method. Endlessly scouring pans. #BBUKLIVE
11.47pm: Gina and Michael's date comes to a close. They've had quite a feed and a lovely time. There may be envy elsewhere
12.00am: Michael's in the Diary Room. Probably having a totally straightforward and innocent chat with Big Brother
Off now 
Originally Posted by erinp:
Deffo off now
thanks Erin 
I am here for a while now 
and hopefully will grab a few stints tomorrow
weekdays will be the problem
12.19am: While Daley and Sam have full makeup applied in the bedroom, Gina and Sallie are being civil in the bedroom. Hooray!
12.33am: Oh my boys...
Originally Posted by erinp:
Deffo off now
DO NOT WATCH THIS PILE OF CR&P! AJ is terrible. An hour of your BB life you don't need to lose. 
12.43am: The tea stash is running dangerously low causing mild panic amongst the HMs.
1.02am: Hazel is being treated to a relaxing massage by Wolfy. That girl has many talents!
Originally Posted by MrsH:
12.43am: The tea stash is running dangerously low causing mild panic amongst the HMs.
1.02am: Hazel is being treated to a relaxing massage by Wolfy. That girl has many talents!
Define 'talents'.
1.16am: Hazel and Wolfy are giving Daley beauty tips. Moisturising is key, apparently. #BBUKLIVE
1.32am: Dan is trying to make sure that Gina is okay after last night's argument with Salli
1.54am: As we log off for the day we leave a House of babbling HMs slowly preparing for bed. Back first thing! Nighty night
Back first thing they said. Well I've been up for over half an hour and there's still nothing new. Those HMs must be a lazy bunch, still in bed at this time! 
And as I type the first tweet of the day comes through - confirming that the HMs are still a-bed.
8.11am: It's Sunday and in keeping with tradition, the housemates are still snoozing.
8.31am: It's all very quiet in the bedroom - hang on, we have a snorer.
8.47am: Housemates are lovely when they're sleeping. This bunch are well and truly in the land of nod.
9.16am:Sleeping like babies. Cute.
9.30am: Wakey wakey! The lights are on and the housemates are all blinky.
Gina v Sallie - has Gina got a chip on her shoulder ? 16.06.13
day 1 in the palace,
and there is already and smell,
what i witnessed was pure malice,
between 2 lady's is no gel.
there is a chip on a shoulder,
still with a playground attitude,
a disciplinary is in her folder,
but still consistently rude.
how did it escalate,
did Sallie fuel,
insults were a cheap calculate,
never the less very cruel.
then a "strike" from Gina,
Sallie it did contact,
Big Brother could not have been cleaner,
it was a perfect react.
tension between Gina and Sallie is spreading,
delightful on the first day together,
Gina has her experience dead heading,
and this is a waste and far from clever.
( for all this to start - i just wounder has Gina got a chip on her shoulder ? )
Day 3 round-up: The make up after the shake up
1 hour ago
Maybe 'making up' is a bit strong, but there was certainly the sense that Gina and Sallie have agreed to be civil as the third day wound down. It was a miserable morning, weather-wise and that sombre atmosphere also permeated the House following Sallie and Gina's spat on Day 2. Some housemates mused philosophically when they awoke, while others worked out physically to get over the low mood. House talk covered the possibility that a mole may be amongst the ranks, but nobody's pinpointed exactly who it might be yet. Aside from that, talk began to lighten up as the day progressed until Daniel and Hazel in particular couldn't help but giggle manically.
Later on, Big Brother started to operate the People's Puppet. Michael was given a box of sweets that only he was allowed to enjoy, but Sallie spoiled things somewhat, losing what was a hidden task by munching the spoils. Later on, Michael was commanded to invite one of his pals to dinner and he chose Gina, ruffling feathers in the process. The pair drank champagne and ate like royalty up on the treehouse balcony.
It was a peaceful household as things wound down. Gina and Sallie were even able to share a smoke in the garden, while Daley and Sam had full makeup applied in the bedroom by Jemima and Sophie. Needless to say they looked ravishing by the time the work was done. What a pleasing way to end the day
Today on Big Brother's Bit on the Side: Sunday 16th June
22 mins ago
It's all change on a Sunday with Big Brother's Bit on the Side now filling your lunchtime slot. That's right, with Rylan at the helm, the show hits your screens at 1.10pm.
Today our fabulous host will be joined by not one but two blonde bombshells. Claire from Steps and Carmel from Hollyoaks – aka Gemma Merna.
If that wasn't enough, grime collective Roll Deep will be performing.
Has all that sunk in yet? Good because you'll need to be able to process a very special announcement too! Stick the telly on Channel 5 as you tuck into your Sunday roast.
Hi Aimee and IHP 
IHP, please don't take this as a rebuke, but your post there about Gina's possible 'chip on the shoulder' would probably fit better in the BotS/highlights thread. 
9.47am: Wolfy is in the garden making bird noises. Dan is running round in circles.
10.02am: Sallie and Hazel are comparing their bodies in the garden.
10.14am: Dan is giving Jackie a workout in the garden. She has offered to teach him a dance routine in return.
Originally Posted by Extremely Fluffy Fluffy Thing:
Back first thing they said. Well I've been up for over half an hour and there's still nothing new. Those HMs must be a lazy bunch, still in bed at this time!
thanks for the early morning look in
No problem MrsH.Couldn't sleep, so got up and looked in to catch up on what had gone on while I was busy wrestling with the TV stand and tuning the new TV. then I had to watch everything on +1!
10.28am: Dexter and Charlie are chilling in the garden trying to decide when to have a shower. Decisions, decisions.
10.45am: Sam is putting his jeans through the mangle. He hasn't really got the hang of it despite Sophie's encouragement.
Thanks erin,(laughed out loud at your mirror post ) Fluffy and MrsH
I`m freeee!
Right, I'm away for a bit.
(Well timed Scotty! )
Didn`t see you there, morning Aimee and IHP
Originally Posted by Extremely Fluffy Fluffy Thing:
Right, I'm away for a bit.
(Well timed Scotty! )
Bye the noo Fluffy
10.56am: What's this? Sallie and Hazel are hiding chocs. Naughty girls.
11.11am: Sallie says she prefers side-boob to cleavage. Controversial.
Originally Posted by Aimee:
Morning Scotty
11.34am: Jackie, Sam and Callum are doing accents in the bedroom. Jackie is pretty good.
11.48am: Gina is operating the mangle. This is the girl who has never used a washing machine before. What a turn around.