You're a caring Mum Amythist, how can that be stupid?

Thanks Jen I know she wants to have fun and I dont want to stop her but how do I convince her that she needs to let me know where she is?....especially at night!

Does she work? (ie have her own income?)

No she is at sixth form college doing A levels but she has a boyfriend who is a bit of a stoner

I know how worrying it can be I don't know how you can make her let you know, have you told her how it's upsetting you? I still check on my daughter and she's nearly 20, it's what mums do

Aimee i keep telling her how I feel and she just rolls her eyes

 

You are certainly not stupid to worry about a 17 year old who is staying out overnight and not letting you know where she is, or that she is safe. 

I don't know your daughter's personality so I can't advise the best way to go about it. With my three sons (now in their 20's/early 30's) we hit them with a two-pronged attack. Mr Yogi set out ground rules and boundaries and I guilt tripped them into sticking to them. (For the best possible reason, I wanted to keep them safe). 

If she is the type of girl to rebel even more if you try to lay down the law, then try a bit of emotional blackmail. Have a chat with her when you are both relaxed and not annoyed, explain how much you love and care about her and how much it worries you when she stays out all night. Tell her all the terrible things that go through your head and how you can't sleep or eat until you know she is safe. Lay it on with a trowel if you have to.

Amythist as much as she will probably 'hate' you for it I would put my foot down with her and not allow her to stay out at all unless she asks you in advance and you know exactly where she is staying and, more importantly, with who.  

 

I'm saying this because at 17 I was exactly the same and my Mum and Dad didn't really say anything about it.  I knew they didn't like it, they told me enough times, but they didn't DO anything about it and (I've said this before on here) I feel like they may have let me down a little by not parenting me during what turned out to be the worst time of my life.  It was all great at the time but looking back I would have more respect for them (I love them, they just never enforced rules about boyfriends/staying out etc) if they had put their foot down and not allowed any of it.

 

I got pregnant at 17.

Oh and     because my eldest is only 12 and causing me enough stress so I understand it must be really hard trying to deal with a 17 year old daughter! x

Yogi I have done all that...and clearly need to do it again, calmly again,

but the boyfriend worries me...hes keeping her on a string but is obviously a charismastic bad boy and she lets him play her because so many other girls like him but I know hes bad news

Thanks Ive been crying my heart out tonight

Do you get on with her boyfriend? Maybe ask him to tell her to let you know where she is and what she's doing

I feel for you because it is so difficult when you can see that they are going to get hurt, but they won't listen to you.

Aww Amythist  Is there anyone she might listen to apart from you?  An older relative or friends mother?  

 

I wouldn't have listened to my Mum at all at that stage of my life but I would have listened to my older sister if she had intervened (she wasn't living at home though or new what I was up to, otherwise she'd have dragged me home by the hair) or maybe even my Aunt who I was always a bit scared of but really respected.  I just knew my Mum wouldn't say anything bad or enforce rules on me so I just kept on staying out and drinking/taking drugs.  

 

I don't have any teenagers so I'm not saying this is easy, I just remember too well being the teenager.  

 

Her boyfriend sounds lovely   I'm not surprised she isn't listening to you.  She's probably hanging on to every word he says.

       
       

I agree with Yogi about the guilt trip, I used to say to my daughter, I haven't looked after and cared for you all these years for you to go and put yourself in danger, she's never stayed out without telling me so I don't know how it feels but I can imagine how heart breaking it must be for you.

Do you know where she's been going when she's been staying out? I think 17 is a funny age, they have normally left school by then and think they are all grown up when really they are still kids, at nearly 20 my daughter still acts like a kid

Ive not really met the boyfriend....only his Mum and shes much younger than me and throws him out here and there. Despite being invited he hasnt come to ours...probably cos even though Im not rich I live in a rich area 

So sorry Amythist  It must be desperately worrying for you. 

Let her see you crying, maybe it'll tug her heartstrings and she'll see it less as a power struggle?

thats what hurts so much...she doesnt seem to get any of this

 As Ells suggested, does she have a grandmother, auntie or even an older cousin she would listen to? 

  Oh no. Maybe she sees it as all about her own independence? Wow sounds like you need help with this Amythist. I feel so sorry for you. A heartfelt 

 

 

Its complicated

Thank you 

Does she speak to her dad?

yes but he is not bothered about this at all

       
       


That's a shame, girls normally care more about what their dads think

Is she in tonight?

no

Is she your oldest?

I would tell her how it is,how her behaviour is upseting you.

You don't run a B&B , she lives in your house with your rules,sometimes tough love is the best way forward.It sounds like you have tried reasoning with her ,so now you have nothing to lose if you put your foot down.

 

       
       


I will ask my daughter when she gets in to see what she thinks would get through to her

Amythist

If you are her only source of income to go out and have a good time I'd use that power and go down the tough love route. It won't be easy but if it were me I'd give it a go for a week or two and link her getting anything from you (even her laundry done etc) to her respecting your feelings and wishes. Of course my eldest is only 11 so I'm probably not the best to advise.

she has just rung but I still dont know whats going on...some party or other...but at least she rang

she has money not much ...indpendently of me so that cant be a lever

That's a start.

What are the house rules ,does she have a curfew.?

 

I have no real advice Amythist ....but having gone through it twice...both of which caused me considerable grief .... all I can say is hang in there ...do what feels right to you ....but remember that the majority of kids come through ok ....even if the parents are battered and bruised Mine are now around 40 ...pillarsof the   community with teenagers of their own to deal with ! 

 

 

I don't know what to advise Amythist, but understand the worry and tears...I have three daughters and muddled my way through all this...and I mean muddled and they still worry me. 

 

Strange now they are out of their teens how they appreciate the worry they put me through..I hope she comes to her senses and realises you want her to have fun, but don't want the stress of worrying where she is  

 

One text at a reasonable time saying where she is would stop you worrying, I think she would be very unreasonable to agree to this...say she must let you know before a certain time what she is doing and where she is at...that's the best I can come up with 

well thats it but she has stayed away so long her phone  battery went out and never thought to tell me she was ok ...so i was close to police as it was 24 hours...and she says "Im fine" but how do I know that

Thanks Baz...its nice to hear..but Im a nervous wreck at the moment

 

 

oh Amy...teenagers are so so selfish and thoughtless, we love them to bits, but don't they put you through it. I do hope she gets her act together for your sanity and for her own sake   

Dame is right, selfish is the right word for teenages, my daughter came downstairs today to tell me she had dropped a bottle of nail polish on her duvet but it didn't matter as she thinks it needs replacing anyway