Soops...   I will probably take you up on that..  soon..  when I can handle it

Sprout - thank you

VELVET - I am really really sorry I have hijacked your thread 

You've done no hijacking Ditty 

None at all - this is what threads are for.

really wanna give you a hug, thinking of you and family. and im sure velvet wont mind 1 bit ditty  look after you through all this too.

I'm gonna have to try & stop thinking about it for a bit now..   

my eyes are so sore from crying, my eyelids are starting to sting they are that puffed up...     and I am actually not crying at the moment, but if I don't force myself to think about something else for a while I will be.

Once again thank you..    I will be back, when I am crying and at that totally desperate stage again -  probably within the hour unless I find something that can keep me from thinking about it all again

Try and get some sleep Ditty  I really don't know what else to suggest

I am so sorry about your news Ditty i haven't got the right words to express myself right but i want to give you a big to let you know i am thinking of you, lots of love to you and your family

You ever wish you could give more than words on a screen? You can't just hold someone and let them cry. Believe me though....words on a screen can mean so much  

We don't ever get over it Ditty. We learn to live with it. Treasure your mum and make her time special...even if that means just sitting with her and holding her hand. 

Far too young Soozy. My dad was 60, 

I was lucky that I had the best support on here at the time. My online friends got me through the worst time of my life.  

Same here .. though we were lucky enough to find a trial drug that suited mum well and gave her some respite and a better quality of life and lifespan than anyone had hoped for xx

I hope you lot know how very much I appreciate this... 

its like a lifeline, its also helping me to manage not to dump all of this onto my family (as in my kids & hubby)...   

whether its the kind messages of concern, from those that have been through this & from those that haven't, or the sharing of information..  whether practical, medical or emotional...  

I very honestly thank you all from the bottom of my heart (which right now feels like its fallen to the pit of my stomach...  cos there seems to be a big hurty rock in the middle of chest where my heart should be - weird physical manifestations of  hurty feelings...  weird) 

I'm sitting here at the moment waiting to hear from my Dad, to let me know when I can go to the hospital to see Mum.     We're trying to schedule it so that he can use the time I am up there to do the logistical things he needs to do...   which reminds me, I was going to take Mum a sandwich up, I should probably make him one too, cos I doubt he has been eating properly either).

Am gonna suggest he takes Mum up a chinese takeaway tonight (as she has her appetite back again now that she is on the steroids)..   he can sit with her, with a takeaway, watch a film on the patient telly thingy...    as they would normally do on a Saturday night if this wasn't happening.

Hmmm...    I think I am starting to waffle now   (I did actually giggle out loud then...   I may actually be going a little bit mad)

Thank you once again everyone, even if I haven't acknowledged you individually, each & every one of your posts has helped xxxxx

Ditts... I've got nothing to add to what everyone's already said.....  Just want you to know I'm thinking about you.   Losing the plot now and again is allowed  - as is giggling, although right now you probably feel like you'll never laugh properly again.   for you all.

I will laugh Kaff..    I have laughed properly already this morning, family banter with MrD & the kids (oh & the dog was involved...  I remember what it was now... something to do with the dog asserting his authority over the boy)... 

I bloody love my family, I love that we laugh every single day, whatever else is going on... 

That's brilliant - it's wonderful that you have family around you. What you are going through now is heart breaking - I can remember being incredulous when my dad And best friend) were diagnosed. It's like you really can't believe it's happening. I don't know how you get through it TBH - you just do but it's the most horrible time.

Re the sandwich making etc. - I found that doing practical things really help. My Dad wasn't a sentimental type at all and we never had all the hand holding and heartfelt conversations but I did find that 'practical' stuff helped us as well as keeping him up to speed on golf news and world news sort of helped. Looking back it was avoidance on talking deep I suppose - he really couldn't have dealt with it.

What I'm trying to say is - we all cope differently - we are all very different people but ultimately we cope. You have a lovely family they will help you through - just love each other. All you can do 

    that's good to hear Ditts x

 Ditty I am so so sorry,I mean that sincerely from the bottom of my heart .a heart which does go out to you as I know how you feel.You're on the emotional roller coaster where I felt so many contradictory emotions at times I struggled to breathe.You'll feel them all,...the tummy flipping sick feeling ,shock disbelief sadness anger powerlessness crippling fear all hand in hand with love,imo it's the love that thankfully has the upper hand enabling us to function and get us through....I'm in tears for you,watching my father suffer as he did,with the proud dignity ,which even cancer couldn't rob him of, and finally succumb to it was the most humbling experience of my entire life ,it didn't stop me from wanting to stand on the street and scream,scream why why why.Battling not wanting him to go but not wanting him to suffer any more,in his last days although he was unresponsive due to drugs telling him dad it's ok go,go find the Roisins(babies in the family who aren't here),go find them and then we'll come find you....Your mum will fight her battle Ditty and you'll fight yours, right there with her and for her you will fight yours,Your darling mum is in a battle she can't win but you can win yours,it's not an easy battle,17 months later I'm still head on in mine, the acceptance seems to keep getting away  but I will get there as will you....God bless you ,I'll say a little prayer for you all.

Ditty I actually had to walk away from my computer the other day while i was writing a post to you as i started crying. Really feel for you and your family right now mate, i'm a bit crap at knowing what to say at times like these (always feel like i say the wrong thing) but i just wanted to tell you I've been thinking about you a lot the past week

Glad you're still managing to laugh, that will help you through. x

  (I've pm'd you xxx)

Just wanted to add my thoughts and support Ditty as I've just seen this. 

I'll be thinking of you, I know what it's like.  I lost my mum at 63 just 4 weeks after her diagnosis.  It hurts and it's a shock, but I also watched my Dad die slowly over a whole year and that was heartbreaking and haunts me far worse.

Neither way is nice, but at least you can say your goodbyes and not leave anything unsaid, it's such a comfort afterwards to know that she knows you loved her and were there for her.  

If there is anything I can do I'm here xxxx

I read this thread last night (in a slightly un-sober state ) and I've just had a catch up now...... it's a lovely lovely read, but heartbreakingly sad at the same time I think it's really hit me today ...I've cried like a baby for Ditty (and for all of you who have lost your mum and spoken about it here). I just can't quite grasp how quickly things change! 

I can't really add to what everyone else has said. I haven't been through something like this yet, so I have no advice to share.....but you know I'll be there with you every step of the way Ditty  

I feel so useless!!! You've helped me so much, particularly over the past year, so I know how much words on a screen can help.....but when you're on the other side it doesn't feel like enough! And the smilies are no bloody help! And there was me thinking they were all powerful  

Firstly Ducky -  DUCKS!!!   I promise you, I know you are there if I need you...  

NO CRYING FOR ME!!!  NONE!    

and you Jen!

I have just had to talk to my brothers girlfriend.    She lost her dad when she was 13 to bowel cancer, and lost her Mum in January this year to cancer.  She is still grieving for her Mum and it was obvious that she was really struggling to deal with all this.   I've told her she doesn't have to go through it, to go home, and just be there for my brother when he needs her.

yep...   that pretty much sums it up.    Also, I will be doing ok, and doing something random and all of a sudden I find I can't breathe & I have to stop & do puffy breathes like when your in labour,

Thank you for your post Lee...    again, I worry that this is all a bit raw for you too xx

crippling fear ...   that is the bit I am fighting my biggest battle with...  if I give in to the fear I'm screwed, and everyone around me will suffer, including my Mum. 

Keep telling myself..   face up to the fear & it stops having power of you...  

anyway.. I am waffling again..    

thank you again xx

You know what Van...    its the bit between now & then end bit that is distressing me the most.    When she's gone then I know it will be my loss that will be upsetting me, its not her that will be distressed.

Seeing my Mum scared is the worst bit for me..    seeing my Mum terrified.. 

You just have to take one day at a time Ditty. Don't put any more pressure on yourself 

Ditty the fear is bad,my mind used to race ahead worrying what will my life be like without my dad,how will I cope,how am I going to handle watching him suffer in pain,it was uncharted territory and terrifying,For my dad and my family I put on a brave face while inside I was frantic,what got me through was the kindness of on-line friends who had been in that place,,without that I'd have been lost and unable to do what HAD to be done,but like Cags said one day at a time.....I did stop thinking ahead,yes I knew what was inevitable but  terminal illness is different for everyone,the outcome sadly is the same but how each sufferer is affected is different......

You're fighting now Ditty,from the second you heard you're fighting and with my dad as he grew weaker and unable to fight I fought more,It works both ways your mum will fight,as you see her fight automatically you will too,she'll draw strength from you,you from her.You WON'T give in,I stumbled and fell but got back up,deal with things as they come,tomorrow is something you'll deal with tomorrow for as long as it takes.....I never stopped treating my dad as I always had done Ditty,visibly he was different but otherwise no he was the same and I treated him as such,as I know he wanted to be treated.He told my son I'd always made him smile,I held onto that and aimed that would stay the same too.It was funny one day him and I were alone and as usual me being me started tidying up,I went to get the vac out,he told me no just sit down there and enjoy yourself,give me a old bit of your craic..Bless him,enjoy myself,it was precious time that was fast running out so I cherished it.

Darn cancer,it takes no prisoners and shows no mercy, unbelievable in this day and age having been given that news your mum and millions of others aren't told but we can cure you.BTW waffle all you want,get it out there ,it helps,trust me it helps,the more you get out you free some space to take on more,take care xx

Live in the moment Ditty, fight the fear. It's so hard but you will do it. That 'brick in the stomach' feeling is the worst thing.

Hugs to all affected by illness and loss in this thread x

My daughter has pissed me off plenty and looked after me like a trooper, but now she has a lump in her breast and has been fast forwarded for a scan because it's all infected and I'm worried yet again like I used to be worried about my son in the army and end up a moaning minnie. Sorry.

Aww Col,I hope it is nothing serious I'm sure you're frantic with worry,that's to be expected.Moan away Col,gawd given what you've had thrown at you you're quite entitled to moan or off load ,we're all human and do reach out when we're worried or stressed,feel free 

Lee. That was a really moving message for Ditty and a lot of what you write about is what happened for me too. And yeah, the fear of the 'what next' is the worst part, isn't it? 

Just read this. 

No words, at the moment, but huge s

oh god ...   I swear I don't know what to do with myself...

I don't know how to do this

I am so scared, I thought I had felt proper emotional pain before, but I know now that it was nothing... 

Have necked a sleeping tablet...   and am washing it down with wine (no worries there btw..   nothing dangerous or strong)..     but am waiting for oblivion...  

cos I just can't stand this much hurt anymore... 

I don't know how people do this....    who knew that so many people were able to survive going through this...   I feel like I will never be the same again.

(I am having a really bad day, probably one of the worst days of my life)...

Come on oblivion..  hurrry the buggery up

Awwww Ditty

I just want it all to stop..    all of it...    I don't want to do this, and there is nothing I can do to stop it happening... 

I'm so scared 

Ditty, I am only going to come in this thread once, because my memories are still too fresh...you cope, you deal with it and it's the most horrid thing in you life. You gain strength you thought you never had, it's there and will be there for you.... and the questions it leaves you with and the guilt is like a train hurtling towards you, but because of underneath everything you have done your best, been there in moments of need, been supportive and most of all appreciated and loved those close to you...you cope 

ditty im so sorry  youre feeling so bad, i dont know what to say or do, please listen to all your friends on here 

this is the other thing...   all around me people I know have been through this... and yes I felt desperately sorry for them, & would have done anything if it could have stopped it happening to them, but I didn't really get it til now.

You're not the only person who's pain is still too raw to deal with me Dame, and I am so sorry if I have made it worse for you and the others still at this point.

I do thank you for posting about it, it doens't stop any of the pain I am feeling, but at least I know I am not being unforgiveabley weak about it....   

I do not expect, or want, to make things any harder on people like you that are still on this god awful experience.  

I hate this, I hate that I've reopened old wounds on people like Jen, & Lee, & soops & slinks, and others..   and now you...   

I hate that I have become a one woman pity party

I just hate all of this...    and today my inner toddler seems to be coming out cos I just keep crying & saying "I hate this...  I hate it and I want it to stop"

its so pathetic 

I need to get back in the place where I could rationalise this..    where I could see that this was not the worst thing that could happen, its not one of the kids dying..

my sane mind knows this...    I just hadn't realised how unbearable the pain would be.

waffle waffle waffle...  sorry... 

and sorry for your loss too Dame

(god...   words on a screen...  they are so crap sometimes) 

bloody fear..    I hate it!!  I hate it so much