A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
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A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"
The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.
Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?"
The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."
What did the fish say when he hit a wall?
Dam!
A shortened version of my favourite joke ever!
Three pieces of String go into a bar after work.
The first piece goes up to the barman and asks for a pint.
"Sorry" says the barman, "We don't serve pieces of String".
The second piece of string goes up to the bar and also asks for a pint.
"Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string" is the answer again.
The third piece of String says to the other two "Tie me in a knot and fray my ends". He then goes up to the bar and asks for a pint.
"Are you a piece of String?" asks the barman.
"No" says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot".
The first piece goes up to the barman and asks for a pint.
"Sorry" says the barman, "We don't serve pieces of String".
The second piece of string goes up to the bar and also asks for a pint.
"Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string" is the answer again.
The third piece of String says to the other two "Tie me in a knot and fray my ends". He then goes up to the bar and asks for a pint.
"Are you a piece of String?" asks the barman.
"No" says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot".
A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Nice tuxedo, what's the occasion?"
"I was supposed to get married," the penguin responds.
"Well then, what happened?" the bartender asks.
"I got cold feet."
Originally Posted by Baz:
ROFL
Hi Baz. It's Sunday so I thought I would put everyone in a good mood for Monday. 
Originally Posted by Enthusiastic Contrafibularities:
Originally Posted by Baz:
ROFL
Hi Baz. It's Sunday so I thought I would put everyone in a good mood for Monday.
Listen to the duck song, EC, it's worth it, I have to listen to it on a regular basis, so you should too...
Originally Posted by Enthusiastic Contrafibularities:
Originally Posted by Baz:
ROFL
Hi Baz. It's Sunday so I thought I would put everyone in a good mood for Monday.
I'm in a good mood anyway. I'm off for a week and a bit
Originally Posted by jacksonb:
Originally Posted by Enthusiastic Contrafibularities:
Originally Posted by Baz:
ROFL
Hi Baz. It's Sunday so I thought I would put everyone in a good mood for Monday.
Listen to the duck song, EC, it's worth it, I have to listen to it on a regular basis, so you should too...
It's a variation on the first joke I posted. But I would seriously have shot that duck!!!
Originally Posted by Sprout:
Originally Posted by Enthusiastic Contrafibularities:
Originally Posted by Baz:
ROFL
Hi Baz. It's Sunday so I thought I would put everyone in a good mood for Monday.
I'm in a good mood anyway. I'm off for a week and a bit
Nice one Sprout, enjoy your time off. I have the following week off.
love it!
Originally Posted by Baz:
* sits and waits for Ducky's arrival * 
That joke (and video) reminds me of the old C4 days..... Tequila introduced me to both I have a badge with that duck on it