Q: Why did Captain Kirk p**s on the roof of the Enterprise?

A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Awwww. ...I don't have any jokes I'm afraid Pirate ....but will a help ? 

Ermmmmmm, I can't think of anything funny at the moment pirate

 

But have a hug

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

Pirate 

Tomorrow will be a better day.

What did Cinderella say when she left the photo store?

Someday my prints will come...

lol

booooo

Here, have a visual blonde joke...

Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts?

He was caught playing with his broomstick. 

 

Hope we are making you feel a bit better Pirate.

 

Here have a hug.  

 

Q: Why do bees hum?

A: They don't know the words.

 

 

 

A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for places to perform. He notices a sign outside of one place reading ''Entertainers wanted, see within," below which someone had written ''NO HYPNOTISTS!'' with a marker. He goes inside and inquires about the gig. 
"You're not a hypnotist are you?'' 
"No'' the comedian says, ''Why do you ask?'' 
''Well, last week we had a hypnotist and he had at least twenty people up on stage. Just as he got them all under, he tripped over his microphone wire and shouted 'S**T'. We've been cleaning it up for days!''

Your'e on a roll EC

 

 

Pirate 

 

the jokes I laugh at..... I can't put on the forum 

Ta. Working hard to cheer up Pirate. Would welcome any humour you can provide Rexi 

I'm terrible at telling jokes, I always forget the punchlines.

Have a big hug, Pirate.

Don't look to me for humour tonight ... I have the makings of a cold and am feeling a bit meh!

 

The whole bar of Lindt chocolate that I have just eaten is helping though

 

 

I love random coincidence!

 

I too have a sore throat and a cold coming on.

 

Lindt is one of my all time fave chocolates too.

Sorry EC, there's none left

 

That's OK. I just polished off a bag of mini Wispa's 

I'm useless at jokes but have a  Pirate

How about a little pressie?

pirate 

 

oh how I know how you are feeling...      

 

its so bleedin shit innit 

 

hurts too much n all that!

 

anyway..   I can't help you on the jokes (well not tonight anyway)..  as I have just had a couple of sleeping tablets washed downwith a pina colada...    we've had one of those days too..   and I just need to bring it to an end 

 

 

Hope tomorrow is better for you Pirate xxxxxxxxxxxxx

One day The Pope receives a visit from the seven dwarves.

'Your Holiness, do you have any dwarf nuns?' asks Grumpy.

'No my son, none that small' comes the reply

The other dwarves listen closely and giggle at the anwser

'You sure, your Holiness?  Maybe one my height, a little smaller maybe?'

'None Grumpy.  Why do you ask?'

With that Grumpy storms out of The Vatican with the other dwarves behind him, followed loudly by a chorus of 'Grumpy f*cked a penguin, Grumpy f*cked a penguin!'

A guy is invited to the local Lodge. It's joke night! However the masons are so familiar with all the jokes that they have been reduced to giving them all numbers.
A bejewelled mason stands up and shouts "Number twenty two!" The brethren politely laugh.
The newcomer thinks that this is an easy gig and shouts, "Number thirty seven!"
Silence! No reaction whatsoever. He asks his pal what the problem might be, to be met with the response, "It's the way you tell 'em!"
"Right! Number seventy seven!"
At this the group fall about laughing hysterically, two minutes later they are still rolling on the floor.
"What was that all about?" He asks.
"They haven't heard that one before!"


I thank you.

I am unable, on a family Forum such as this one, to tell the joke which led to my temporary ban on the C4 BB Forums, even though it was one of the wittiest ones of all time.

A couple are on a second honeymoon in Italy. They are having a lovely time and decide one afternoon to take a walk up to the top of a mountain where they encounter a whizened old man looking unhappy. They introduce themselves and ask him why he's so depressed. "Well," he said, "do you see this lovely church by the side of the mountain which I built? Do they call me Miguel the church builder? And do you see the beautiful garden in the middle of town? Do they call me Miguel the master gardener? And do you see that huge yacht in the harbour? Do they call me Miguel the best carpenter in Italy? No, but I shagga one sheep.........

 

...and a

Hoping you see this in the morning pirate.  It can never fail to raise a smile at best. 

 

A great collection of jokes. That last one has me thinking I should change up my morning routine.

 

Hugs for pirate and ditty.... 

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese
British writer, actor, and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

 

 

Gave me a right giggle...especially the Spanish bit 

 

Big Hugs Pirate....it's a hard one huh (lost my Mum last Nov)...but she wouldn't want you sad 

Hope you're doing ok Pirate  and Ditty

 

This one always makes me laugh Pirate.I thought it was appropriate for you after your recent stint at the dentist. I hope you are feeling a bit better now, I know exactly how you feel, as my mum and my mum in law died only 4 months ago within a month and a day of each other. It's hard,these days will happen, but we are lucky to have loving family and friends to help us through it. 

arghhhh!

im a twit!

dont remember posting this

however thank you for jokes-ive just had a chuckle

and

i know im not the only one feeling crappola

eg Ditty, sezit..

so i hope you pair had a laugh at the jokes aswell

 

 

keep 'em coming

Tell you what Pirate, there are some corkers in this thread,I have had a right laugh. Hope you are feeling a little less sad after this. 

This cracked me up tonight, but then I am half cut

 

Where do you weigh a whale??

 

 

At a whale weigh station