Bite your tongue a bit longer....

 

From what you've said, I don't think your friend is ready to hear what you think about her relationship, so I would keep quiet and just be there for her if you can.

Thing is she knows how bad it is and when shes in the right mood will sit and moan about it and how unhappy she is.  Then its like she brainwashes herself into thinking its all good and if she tells me how good it is I will forget that I know its crap?

 

She looks so sad all the time and has no energy to even leave the house.  Its really driving me mad. I just see her life slipping past her and It frustrates me.

I would maybe say, "Are you sure you are right for each other? It seems to be getting you down too much to be a worthwhile relationship."

Yeah perhaps that is a bit more tactful than the rant i have brewing in my head.

If she wanted to know your opinion she would ask for it. She probably wouldn't listen to you anyway.

As long as she's still trying to convince herself that things are good, she won't listen to you and it could ruin your friendship.

your both right, there is nothing i can do and its not a situation thats going to resolve itself while she chooses it. I think i will end up distancing myself from her because i cant stand by and watch it. Although this will probably please the husband as it seems to be the tactic hes used so far and thats why shes no friends left, he wont let her see anyone.

I would say nothing and just be there for her when it inevitably implodes I do understand your frustrations, but unless he's abusing her, I would stay out of it because you risk losing her. As a youngster, I had 2 boyfriends (for a couple of years each) that my mum couldn't stand! I had no idea until after I'd dumped them either, and it would have driven a wedge between us at the time so she did the right thing keeping quiet. Everyone's experiences & opinions are unique though, so you do what you feel is right for you, you can't beat your own instinct! Good luck

cheers sweet Its good advice, I prob just need to vent. (here rather than at her)

That's a shame Gyps, because that is probably what he wants, but I understand why you don't want to watch her decline any further.

when she begins to moan, talk about the relationship without censure, she obviously needs help

I'm sure I've posted this before....... I would not normally interfere, however my SIL has had a very poor choice in men over the years. She is one of these women who seems to want to be be with a strong man with good leadership qualities. (I obviously am described as a weak underachiever!) Neither I nor m'wife said anything for a long time. I drew the line about six years ago when her latest sad old-fashioned twat broke her nose.

Sounds like a typical tactic for an emotional abuser. 

 

Get some leaflets on it and pop one through her letter box, once a week. 

I wish you'd just PM'd me instead of making a thread 

 

Im feeling particularly fed up with it, so im probably just letting off steam.

 

I think she does need help Machel.

 

Im not just talking about hes a bit of a  div, this girl cant even go to the shops *were talking tesco*  wihtout his say so. and then shes checked up on while shes there and made sure shes home when he wants her. Its horrible to watch.

 

anyway.... I get the just, Id be daft to say anything, i probably would end up making her life more miserable.

shurrup you

Shiiiit that's not good is it?  It's a tough one, because while she's convincing herself it's all still good, nothing anyone says is going to make a difference.  The only thing you can do it plant the little seeds of truth and hopefully they will grow and make her start really thinking.

Blimey, yeah , some women go for the same bad choices over and over. THats frustrating too.

Next time she moans, tell her how these abusers work, remind her how he is trying to isolate her from any friends she may have had and tell her how frustrating it is for those who like/love her.

 

You can't force her to see the truth, but it may open her eyes.

Its not good. I hate it. I want to scream, tell him to F Off! when i see her and the phones rining every 10mins "are you home yet" "are you home yet" (this is when hes not even at home) He just wants her home.

 

It came to a head this week because it was her birthday last week and me (and her sister) dared to suggest she went ..DUM DUM DUMMMMM.... out they argued for days apparently. Needless to say she doesnt want to go out now (her choice you understand Her choice, not his )

What I really want to say is "what would your mother think of your life now". Her mum was a domestic abuse worker" and by all accounts a wonderful and strong woman.

Its heartbreaking.

I think I know who you are talking about.  I only think mind you, but was it sort of like this when I visited you?

Just be there for her, she will either see it for herself (one day) and do something about it, or she will stay and put up with it, either way, whatever you feel about it, and whatever you say will only fall on deaf ears, and she wont thank you for it any time soon either....just be there Vent at someone else (preferably a cat)

Yes i think so

I know, I know , i know. And today I vented at you lot *gaga*

bet your all glad about that

I was quite norty with my friend who like yours was in a terrible relationship with a controlling man who used to phone her every 5 minutes to see where she was and asked to be put on the phone to me if she told him she was at my house just to make sure.  (We all knew he was cheating on her and was checking that she was no where near where he might be playing away)

 

Anyhoo I was very pensive one lunch date and she asked what was wrong and I told her that I had a friend that was in a terrible relationship and listed what I thought was wrong.  I told her how much it upset me and how uncomfortable I felt because she couldn't or wouldn't see him for what he was.  I asked her for her advice as I said I was stuck as to what to do mainly because he'd managed to exclude her from all of her friends and was making good inroads into her family and had almost totally eroded her self respect and self worth.  Sooner or later it would mean she'd be left with no one and he'd have her solely to himself.  I just kept asking her what would she advise?

 

Her advice was that my friend would shoot the messenger and not want to hear what was wrong with her hubby as this person would have made my 'friend' believe he was only looking after her interests and any other friend would be jealous of their closeness.  So I said I couldn't stand seeing what would happen so I would just stop the friendship.

 

It took her another 3 months to realise I was definitely talking about her as I kept making excuses not to meet up with her or visit her and thankfully she saw sense and eventually got rid of him although in truth the longest day his bumhole looks down, she'll never be rid of him but that's a different story 

 

I'd say do nothing but be there to pick up the pieces cos this guy sounds like an emotional abuser who wants to cut her off from everyone and that's when I hate to say it, it can change from emotional to physical abuse 

 

Thats a good outcome pengy, glad she saw him for what he was. Its good advice. I dont think my freind would stand for any physical abuse, im fairly certain of that. Its just the emotional stuff that is the issue with her. I see her very depressed, and its sad.

 

thanks everyone for letting me vent and the advice. For now my mouth is staying shut. 

Say nothing Gypsy.As difficult as it will be don't alienate her she needs you,criticising him will put her in a position she'll feel obliged to defend him,if she asks for advice then yes,until then no.