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FM
Former Member

Have you ever gone right over the line and told a friend what they needed to hear without being asked. I have a friend who is in a terrible relationship and its getting to the point that i cant bite my tongue any longer.

 

I almost feel that its easier to walk away from the friendship than have to sit back and watch her become more and more downtrodden with each passing day.  And yet defend the bloke shes with ???? and CHOOSE to stay in the relationship!!!!

 

Ever been in that sittuation? Did they listen to  you? Did they stop speaking to you? Do you wish you haddnt bothered? If i feel like that am I not a true friend anyway?

Replies sorted oldest to newest

Thing is she knows how bad it is and when shes in the right mood will sit and moan about it and how unhappy she is.  Then its like she brainwashes herself into thinking its all good and if she tells me how good it is I will forget that I know its crap?

 

She looks so sad all the time and has no energy to even leave the house.  Its really driving me mad. I just see her life slipping past her and It frustrates me.

FM

your both right, there is nothing i can do and its not a situation thats going to resolve itself while she chooses it. I think i will end up distancing myself from her because i cant stand by and watch it. Although this will probably please the husband as it seems to be the tactic hes used so far and thats why shes no friends left, he wont let her see anyone.

FM
I would say nothing and just be there for her when it inevitably implodes I do understand your frustrations, but unless he's abusing her, I would stay out of it because you risk losing her. As a youngster, I had 2 boyfriends (for a couple of years each) that my mum couldn't stand! I had no idea until after I'd dumped them either, and it would have driven a wedge between us at the time so she did the right thing keeping quiet. Everyone's experiences & opinions are unique though, so you do what you feel is right for you, you can't beat your own instinct! Good luck
~Sparkling Summer~
Originally Posted by Gypsie~:

your both right, there is nothing i can do and its not a situation thats going to resolve itself while she chooses it. I think i will end up distancing myself from her because i cant stand by and watch it. Although this will probably please the husband as it seems to be the tactic hes used so far and thats why shes no friends left, he wont let her see anyone.

That's a shame Gyps, because that is probably what he wants, but I understand why you don't want to watch her decline any further.

Yogi19

I'm sure I've posted this before....... I would not normally interfere, however my SIL has had a very poor choice in men over the years. She is one of these women who seems to want to be be with a strong man with good leadership qualities. (I obviously am described as a weak underachiever!) Neither I nor m'wife said anything for a long time. I drew the line about six years ago when her latest sad old-fashioned twat broke her nose.

Garage Joe
Originally Posted by Gypsie~:

your both right, there is nothing i can do and its not a situation thats going to resolve itself while she chooses it. I think i will end up distancing myself from her because i cant stand by and watch it. Although this will probably please the husband as it seems to be the tactic hes used so far and thats why shes no friends left, he wont let her see anyone.

Sounds like a typical tactic for an emotional abuser. 

 

Get some leaflets on it and pop one through her letter box, once a week. 

Blizz'ard

Im feeling particularly fed up with it, so im probably just letting off steam.

 

I think she does need help Machel.

 

Im not just talking about hes a bit of a  div, this girl cant even go to the shops *were talking tesco*  wihtout his say so. and then shes checked up on while shes there and made sure shes home when he wants her. Its horrible to watch.

 

anyway.... I get the just, Id be daft to say anything, i probably would end up making her life more miserable.

FM
Originally Posted by Gypsie~:

Im feeling particularly fed up with it, so im probably just letting off steam.

 

I think she does need help Machel.

 

Im not just talking about hes a bit of a  div, this girl cant even go to the shops *were talking tesco*  wihtout his say so. and then shes checked up on while shes there and made sure shes home when he wants her. Its horrible to watch.

 

anyway.... I get the just, Id be daft to say anything, i probably would end up making her life more miserable.

Shiiiit that's not good is it?  It's a tough one, because while she's convincing herself it's all still good, nothing anyone says is going to make a difference.  The only thing you can do it plant the little seeds of truth and hopefully they will grow and make her start really thinking.

Cinds
Originally Posted by Garage Joe:

I'm sure I've posted this before....... I would not normally interfere, however my SIL has had a very poor choice in men over the years. She is one of these women who seems to want to be be with a strong man with good leadership qualities. (I obviously am described as a weak underachiever!) Neither I nor m'wife said anything for a long time. I drew the line about six years ago when her latest sad old-fashioned twat broke her nose.

Blimey, yeah , some women go for the same bad choices over and over. THats frustrating too.

FM
Originally Posted by Cinds:
Originally Posted by Gypsie~:

Im feeling particularly fed up with it, so im probably just letting off steam.

 

I think she does need help Machel.

 

Im not just talking about hes a bit of a  div, this girl cant even go to the shops *were talking tesco*  wihtout his say so. and then shes checked up on while shes there and made sure shes home when he wants her. Its horrible to watch.

 

anyway.... I get the just, Id be daft to say anything, i probably would end up making her life more miserable.

Shiiiit that's not good is it?  It's a tough one, because while she's convincing herself it's all still good, nothing anyone says is going to make a difference.  The only thing you can do it plant the little seeds of truth and hopefully they will grow and make her start really thinking.

Its not good. I hate it. I want to scream, tell him to F Off! when i see her and the phones rining every 10mins "are you home yet" "are you home yet" (this is when hes not even at home) He just wants her home.

 

It came to a head this week because it was her birthday last week and me (and her sister) dared to suggest she went ..DUM DUM DUMMMMM.... out they argued for days apparently. Needless to say she doesnt want to go out now (her choice you understand Her choice, not his )

FM
Originally Posted by Blizz'ard:

Next time she moans, tell her how these abusers work, remind her how he is trying to isolate her from any friends she may have had and tell her how frustrating it is for those who like/love her.

 

You can't force her to see the truth, but it may open her eyes.

What I really want to say is "what would your mother think of your life now". Her mum was a domestic abuse worker" and by all accounts a wonderful and strong woman.

Its heartbreaking.

FM
Originally Posted by Gypsie~:
Originally Posted by Cinds:
Originally Posted by Gypsie~:

Im feeling particularly fed up with it, so im probably just letting off steam.

 

I think she does need help Machel.

 

Im not just talking about hes a bit of a  div, this girl cant even go to the shops *were talking tesco*  wihtout his say so. and then shes checked up on while shes there and made sure shes home when he wants her. Its horrible to watch.

 

anyway.... I get the just, Id be daft to say anything, i probably would end up making her life more miserable.

Shiiiit that's not good is it?  It's a tough one, because while she's convincing herself it's all still good, nothing anyone says is going to make a difference.  The only thing you can do it plant the little seeds of truth and hopefully they will grow and make her start really thinking.

Its not good. I hate it. I want to scream, tell him to F Off! when i see her and the phones rining every 10mins "are you home yet" "are you home yet" (this is when hes not even at home) He just wants her home.

 

It came to a head this week because it was her birthday last week and me (and her sister) dared to suggest she went ..DUM DUM DUMMMMM.... out they argued for days apparently. Needless to say she doesnt want to go out now (her choice you understand Her choice, not his )

I think I know who you are talking about.  I only think mind you, but was it sort of like this when I visited you?

Cinds

Just be there for her, she will either see it for herself (one day) and do something about it, or she will stay and put up with it, either way, whatever you feel about it, and whatever you say will only fall on deaf ears, and she wont thank you for it any time soon either....just be there Vent at someone else (preferably a cat)

zazz
Originally Posted by Cinds:
Originally Posted by Gypsie~:
Originally Posted by Cinds:
Originally Posted by Gypsie~:

Im feeling particularly fed up with it, so im probably just letting off steam.

 

I think she does need help Machel.

 

Im not just talking about hes a bit of a  div, this girl cant even go to the shops *were talking tesco*  wihtout his say so. and then shes checked up on while shes there and made sure shes home when he wants her. Its horrible to watch.

 

anyway.... I get the just, Id be daft to say anything, i probably would end up making her life more miserable.

Shiiiit that's not good is it?  It's a tough one, because while she's convincing herself it's all still good, nothing anyone says is going to make a difference.  The only thing you can do it plant the little seeds of truth and hopefully they will grow and make her start really thinking.

Its not good. I hate it. I want to scream, tell him to F Off! when i see her and the phones rining every 10mins "are you home yet" "are you home yet" (this is when hes not even at home) He just wants her home.

 

It came to a head this week because it was her birthday last week and me (and her sister) dared to suggest she went ..DUM DUM DUMMMMM.... out they argued for days apparently. Needless to say she doesnt want to go out now (her choice you understand Her choice, not his )

I think I know who you are talking about.  I only think mind you, but was it sort of like this when I visited you?

Yes i think so

FM
Originally Posted by zazz:

Just be there for her, she will either see it for herself (one day) and do something about it, or she will stay and put up with it, either way, whatever you feel about it, and whatever you say will only fall on deaf ears, and she wont thank you for it any time soon either....just be there Vent at someone else (preferably a cat)

I know, I know , i know. And today I vented at you lot *gaga*

bet your all glad about that

FM

I was quite norty with my friend who like yours was in a terrible relationship with a controlling man who used to phone her every 5 minutes to see where she was and asked to be put on the phone to me if she told him she was at my house just to make sure.  (We all knew he was cheating on her and was checking that she was no where near where he might be playing away)

 

Anyhoo I was very pensive one lunch date and she asked what was wrong and I told her that I had a friend that was in a terrible relationship and listed what I thought was wrong.  I told her how much it upset me and how uncomfortable I felt because she couldn't or wouldn't see him for what he was.  I asked her for her advice as I said I was stuck as to what to do mainly because he'd managed to exclude her from all of her friends and was making good inroads into her family and had almost totally eroded her self respect and self worth.  Sooner or later it would mean she'd be left with no one and he'd have her solely to himself.  I just kept asking her what would she advise?

 

Her advice was that my friend would shoot the messenger and not want to hear what was wrong with her hubby as this person would have made my 'friend' believe he was only looking after her interests and any other friend would be jealous of their closeness.  So I said I couldn't stand seeing what would happen so I would just stop the friendship.

 

It took her another 3 months to realise I was definitely talking about her as I kept making excuses not to meet up with her or visit her and thankfully she saw sense and eventually got rid of him although in truth the longest day his bumhole looks down, she'll never be rid of him but that's a different story 

 

I'd say do nothing but be there to pick up the pieces cos this guy sounds like an emotional abuser who wants to cut her off from everyone and that's when I hate to say it, it can change from emotional to physical abuse 

 

FM

Thats a good outcome pengy, glad she saw him for what he was. Its good advice. I dont think my freind would stand for any physical abuse, im fairly certain of that. Its just the emotional stuff that is the issue with her. I see her very depressed, and its sad.

 

thanks everyone for letting me vent and the advice. For now my mouth is staying shut. 

FM

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