I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield . 3.1415927 dead
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."
Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'
The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him
And to the others who have contributed too. 
Originally Posted by Mickey Maguire:
It's like water off a duck's back isn't it. after a while. 
No offence was intended Mickey so none taken.
That long!,my gran got it wrong then,she said it was since Jesus was a wee lad.
