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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.  He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

 I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.  A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”
 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!  Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield .  3.1415927 dead

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it.  I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.  From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
 

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.  To be fair the audience did try to warn him

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An Irishman joke.


 Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder..'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.         

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We ask for the height, and she gives us the bloody length!!
Mickey Maguire
Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it.  I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

like it
Choad
Nice one Mickey   And to the others who have contributed too.    There are some bloody funny jokes here.  The one about the forms only being printed in English is one of my faves.  I have heard that before, but most of the others I have never heard before.  Hopefully, some people can post a few more. 
starbug15
Originally Posted by Mickey Maguire:
An Irishman joke.


 Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder..'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.         

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We ask for the height, and she gives us the bloody length!!
~Lee~
Originally Posted by starbug15:
Bless you Lee   Love the little angry leprechaun.  I am half Irish, and am used to 'da piss tekkin!'    It's like water off a duck's back isn't it. after a while. 
 True,it's all a bit of craic.
~Lee~
Don't worry Mickey, I think most of the good folk here have a good sense of humour and know you don't mean any harm.... ANd let's face it, Irish jokes have been around since God was a boy.    My (Irish) mother told me plenty when I was a kid. 
starbug15
Originally Posted by starbug15:
Don't worry Mickey, I think most of the good folk here have a good sense of humour and know you don't mean any harm.... ANd let's face it, Irish jokes have been around since God was a boy.    My (Irish) mother told me plenty when I was a kid. 
And they are the funniest.
Mickey Maguire
Originally Posted by Mickey Maguire:
I thought about not posting the Irish joke as I didn't want to offend. I am glad we are all grown up enough to take it as a joke.
No offence was intended Mickey so none taken.
~Lee~
Originally Posted by starbug15:
Don't worry Mickey, I think most of the good folk here have a good sense of humour and know you don't mean any harm.... ANd let's face it, Irish jokes have been around since God was a boy.    My (Irish) mother told me plenty when I was a kid. 
 That long!,my gran got it wrong then,she said it was since Jesus was a wee lad.
~Lee~
Originally Posted by Mickey Maguire:
I thought about not posting the Irish joke as I didn't want to offend. I am glad we are all grown up enough to take it as a joke.

Then you go and spoil it all by posting something stupid like...


Originally Posted by Mickey Maguire:

 On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

Anyway, nice copy and pasting. You're hilarious.
fracas
Fracas, what on EARTH are you going on about?    People slag ME off for getting angry and arsey...  (supposedly....)  Yet every thread I have looked at this afternoon has someone getting stroppy for NOTHING.  What was wrong with Mickey's joke FFS?  Honestly, it's a piss take when people are afraid to say anything.  Ignore negative remarks Mickey and carry on posting your jokes.... 
FM

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