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I had a Christmas/new year dinner today with family I'd not seen over the holidays.


Tucking in to my roast and an elderly relation started to talk about the fat man on tv last week. She spent the hour looking for his manhood!and went on to tell us she thought given he was so big IT might have been big too!!The same relation spoke about penis at a family meal where my partner first met my family,she meant pianist!


what old dear tales you got?

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actually the same woman 'nanny val' has come out with a few crackers. I remember one evening she was sitting going ON AND ON about how lovely Michael Flatley is in his leather trousers ( another moment ) and her husband was just sitting listening with a slight grin on his face. Then he managed to get a word in edge ways for the first time in about half an hour of her leather trouser lusting. He said "ive always liked tina turner" and nanny val turned quick as a flash and said "she dances like shes pissed herself "
FM
My brothers wife (just married) was bringing her nephew around to my mums. We told her it was Ramadan and not to cook a meal, they arrived and about a half an hour later she asked wee Ramadan if he wanted anything to drink.

 
Years ago when Jesus Sandals were popular, she would go into a shop and ask if the had any Jesus Sandals , bowing her head everytime she said Jesus.
FM
A few weeks ago I went up country for my Grandad's funeral. The day after the family went around my Gran's for lunch. My Gran was in the kitchen with my great Aunty whilst the rest of us were in the living room.  My Great Aunty walks into the living room and says: "Pat (my grans name) needs a screw"

Cue us splurting our cups of tea everywhere and laughing.  Turns out my Gran needed a new screw for one of the kitchen shelves as it was loose.  Cue my Great Aunty running out of the room red as anything.
Rawky-Roo
My mother in law has alzheimers and is in a care home so we hear some hilarious conversations in the TV room.  Christmas Eve we over heard and elderly man asking the lady sitting next to him what she was hiding under the blanket she had across her knees 'Nothing' she replied 'I'm just keeping my legs warm', the old man then said 'I thought you were hiding your vagina' 

The look on Master Cinds face was brilliant while he desperately pretended he hadn't heard a thing.
Cinds
My mother was late home ,we had arrived back from school and were sitting on the stairs,she asked us why we had no gone in .We told her the door was locked,she then told us that the she left us a note telling us where the key was ,the note was on the mantlepiece.
 
 
She also asked me where she could buy incest sticks.
FM
A couple of laughable things off the top of my head from one of the old people  
I think i mentioned it once before. 



 I wished he’d grow up he’s *such and such* years old and him and his friends play with those light sticks from star trek, and sit on the computer all day playing being a witch on world of witchcraft or something


 and another gem 


“You payed how much????  For a skateboard !!!!!!!!!  back when I was your age, a skateboard was tuppence for a piece of hard wood,  a pair of old roller skates, and a whipping from your dad for wrecking a pair of perfectly good roller skates!
Ev (Peachy)

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