I don't know why this came to my mind earlier but it did. Years back I had a production company of sorts. People sent their songs into me, I produced them, recorded them, put a vocal over the top and sent them back to them so they could then send it to a publisher who they hoped would link them to an artist and get them a record deal. I advertised in the Melody Maker.

I wasn't expecting to be sending great new stars on their way to fame let's face it if they had anything going for them they wouldn't need my help but anyway, I got this song from a bloke in Manchester once. He phoned me to say he wrote a Christmas song and all his friends really liked it and could I produce it and sing it for him as he thought it would be a hit.

I charged 200 quid for this which I thought was reasonable. He sent me the song. It was called We're Going To Rock Rock Rock This Christmas. It was just him singing and playing piano. It was so bad I wanted to kill myself rather than risk hearing it again, but I am a professional so I decided to put myself through the pain of producing it for him.

The chorus went 'We're going to rock rock rock this Christmas, have turkey the trad way, make sure that granny's dancing, have fun on Christmas day'.

Those are real lyrics which he sang to a traditional 12 bar blue (sang is being kind he sounded like what your grandad would sound like if he'd hit the bottle and decided he was Bing Crosby). Suitably repulsed, I did a punk version of it and sent it back to him . He phoned me a few days later thanking me saying all his mates really liked it and he was sure it would be a hit. I congratulated him on his new potential hit and told him who to send the cheque to.

I still feel bad to this day and in fact only now have I ever had the courage to admit what a complete bastard I was to the poor man. Grandad-sounding no-hoper who never had a hit if by some cruel twist of fate you're reading this forum I am truly sorry