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My brother and I were the best of friends and when he died alls I wanted to do was run away, I did'nt want to go to his funeral because that made his death all the more real, I understand her decision....
I lost a brother too, and know what you mean, although I did go to the funeral.  My husband also lost a brother and their sister just could not find the strength within herself to go tot he funeral. No-one judged, it's a personal choice.
Cinds
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I lost a brother too, and know what you mean, although I did go to the funeral. My husband also lost a brother and their sister just could not find the strength within herself to go tot he funeral. No-one judged, it's a personal choice.
Thats the problem with some of my family, I'd have been judged harshly so went..but I'd never judge anyone for not going....
stonks
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Daniel J* offline 5724 Forum Posts Today at 11:44 (Edited: ) The way I see it, a funeral is for two things. An accepted way to deal with disposing of the body. And a social ritual for the living. It's got nothing really to do with the deceased. I prefer to do my mourning completely in private and, as far as respect for the deceased is concerned, I prefer to respect them when the people are alive. Perhaps Heidi is the same? Only I suppose she won't have much privacy in there.
i agree. my family dont undertand why i dont go to the graveyard to pay respects to my mum. i have been a couple of times..but only when they have. to me though...it's just a pretty park with alot of pretty rocks mum isn;t there (esp as she was cremated). not sure where she is but she isn't likely to be out and about...she's probably in that armchair she never moved out of or something

doesn it mean i dont talk to her or miss her? hell no. i chat to her alot....i just dont go standing in the middle of a graveyard to do it.
Darthhoob
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i agree. my family dont undertand why i dont go to the graveyard to pay respects to my mum. i have been a couple of times..but only when they have. to me though...it's just a pretty park with alot of pretty rocks mum isn;t there (esp as she was cremated).
My mum's body was cremated.  A couple of month's after, I went to visit my brother and I called in at the parish graveyard to see what the new stone looked like and where it was.  When I arrived at my brother's I said that the stone looked good, he said "oh, you've been to the graveyard and had your own little ceremony".  I was, like, , and then "no, I went to see what the new stone was like and where it was".  In his mind, I suppose my original non-attendance did not compute and he had to make it alright in his head.  For me, she was physically there to visit when she was alive and now she's dead she's in my head and on photos as memories, which suffices for me.  I'd be horrified to think that she was attached in some spiritual way to that square foot of ground for eternity [1].

I (quietly this time) went again the other day to see how that area of the graveyard (which was quite new) looked after over 15 years.  My brother has installed a set of plastic flowers in a small stone holder over the square foot of the 'grave'.  I find that a bit odd myself to be honest.  I suppose he thinks that a set of well dead flowers implies to others that her family doesn't care enough now to visit every week so this has cunningly got around that.  To me, the fact that grave flowers wilt and die after a few days is absolutely integral and core to their being a momento mori.  The church people presumably clear out any dead flowers periodically anyway.

[1] In terms of rituals, those roadside wreaths that you see all over the place and renewed regularly strike me as a bit odd.  What are they for?  As a momento mori, they work very well for other drivers to remember to take care there but, really, do the families think that Uncle Bob is spiritually attached to that grimy part of the Croydon inner gyratory or something?
FM

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