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A girl meets a guy in a bar
They get on really well and she asks him back to her house
"You'll have to be quiet cos my Mum and Dad are upstairs" says the girl
So they watch a movie and get cosy
A few kisses later and the guy says,
"I'm sorry but i must use your toilet, i can't wait"
"No, no you can't  - my parents will hear" says the girl
After thinking hard she says,
"Well if you must  - use the kitchen sink just this once"
So the guys leaves and goes to the kitchen
A few seconds later he reappears and says,


"Have you got any toilet paper?"

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 *LORD... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER*

 Mary got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and her & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Mary *again*, remarried,.... and this time, her & John

had 5 more children.

 Mary finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

One of Marys' best friends Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:


"Do you think he means her first, second, or third

husband?"

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs,

Ethel..." 

 






RZB
One is reminded of the trains of yesteryear. Some carriages had no corridors and very small compartments. One day two soldiers were travelling home on leave. Alf wanted to go and could stand it no longer so he squatted down between the seats and evacuated his bowels. After a while Jack could stand the stench no more and decided to light up a Woodbine.
"Hey!" said Alf, "Can't you read? It says No Smoking!
HaHa! geddit?
Garage Joe

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,

 "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway,

he had the right credentials.

 

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into

Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

 

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will

not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

 

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will

NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,

you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."

 

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said, and

he left the agent's office.

 

Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside

the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck.

Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

 

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in

Hollywood & you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it

with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make

it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your

office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my

name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with

another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so

the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

 

Dick van Dyke

slimfern
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather
had died, her grandmother replied " He had a heart attack while we were
making love on a Sunday morning"

Horrified Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

β€œOh no, my dear" replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm…Nice
and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and
out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, β€œHe’d still be alive
if the ice cream van hadn’t come along..."
Sarum

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